"Take the good out of the murky"

It's not good to care so much about our outward selves, that we forget our inward selves. Then again its not good to not care about our outward selves such that we don't even respect our body or appreciate the beauty that we are part of God's creation. The answer is not black and white. Wearing bummy clothes and never combing our hair is not what Peter's asking. He's asking that we remember where our TRUE beauty lies; he's asking us to examine ourselves and ask the tough questions 'Does outward beauty matter more than inward beauty to us?', 'Are we putting more effort inwards than we do outwards?'. Really it all boils down to one question, 'Where do our hearts lie? In ourselves or in God?'

Therefore its good to love our outward selves and appreciate the fact that we are God's creation, while seeking and searching to conform our inward selves to the beauty of Christ-likeness through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

Who am I?

I am God's.

That's who I am.

What a liberating and comforting thought. Therefore, in tough times, I ought to bear it and endure it, all the while placing my trust completely in Him who sits enthroned above.

"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" - 1 Peter 2:9

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls" - 1 Peter 2:23-25

I remember a time when being filled to the brim with joy was such a huge part of who I was as a Christian. That was then, and here I am now, trying to re-light this dampened wick to my soul. I truly do wish to get back to being filled with an "inexpressible and glorious joy" for having received salvation and for being filled with the Holy Spirit.

I think often times, I downplay the role of the Spirit in my life. Yet what a tragedy. For the Spirit convicts our hearts, transforms our minds, empowers us and keeps us in step with God bestowing unto us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And so today I pray to the Spirit to fill my heart again with joy, true joy in having my hope fully set on the grace given to me through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"Christian life is all about plodding". I know that it's okay to have 'bleh' days and 'bleh' emotions, yet despite that, true joy should never fade despite circumstances. I've taken up Keiyeng's advice, and I've started each day by praying that despite how 'bleh' I may be feeling, or how trying the day may be, I choose to trust in the Lord, to have my hopes set on Him and His perfect will. And I just pray that in time, that hope will be enough for my heart to be set ablaze with inner joy, no matter how grey the day may be.


"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:8-9

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed" - 1 Peter 1:13

Today I spent the afternoon with Keiyeng, a lovely insightful & godly woman. She said a few things that really made these wheels in my head turn. They are things I am determined not to leave on the shelf, things i don't just want to be fascinated by and then turn a blind eye, but things I hope to dwell on further in order to resolve this inner constant struggle of living out a life that glorifies Him.

So what were some of the things said?

1. It's easy to hide behind the veneer of 'ministry' and 'Christian-ness' in order to compensate or cover up our faults and underlying sins, or perhaps just to busy ourselves from getting a chance to really know who we are

2. It's tempting to draw a line between black and white, but its important to remember that perhaps black and white is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes taking the good out and separating it from the murky is what is needed.

3. Faith in God is Trust in God. To live a life of faith doesn't mean soaring and flying high like we often hear from those great men and women of faith, but rather "Christian living is all about plodding". It's about waking up each day, no matter how ugly and burden-filled it may be, yet choosing to trust in Him and trudge through the day.

May these insights not just be left at that, collecting dust in the archives of some blog, but rather, I pray this newfound insight would boost me up in my walk of faith.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts! See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! - Psalm 139:23-24

"Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus. We have to keep letting go, and slowly and surely the great full life of God will invade us in every part, and men will take knowledge of us that we have been with Jesus" - Oswald Chambers

although i still feel homesick, its not crippling me anymore. three things i've learned.

1) its normal to feel homesick. feeling this way doesn't lesson my faith in any way...
2) i need to learn to let go. not that i need to let go of my love for home, but rather i ought to let go of my dependance on home. although its okay to feel homesick, it's not okay to let it consume me.
3) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" 2 cor 1:2-4

Thank you God for helping me through this time and for placing people in my life at this moment who have been such an encouragement and lifter of my downtrodden soul.

i'm struggling right now.

i miss mittens & scarves, cottonball snowflakes, that crisp smell of autumn air, falling leaves of red yellow and orange, walking on Johnson Street to church early on sunday mornings, opening the side door to KCAC and hearing the sqeak that accompanies it, worship leading, closing my eyes and being able to sing familiar praise songs that I know the words to, holding hands and receiving limitless hugs, walking down my street and finding a friend, my crying buddy who understands my times of silence, my nighttime buddy and gigglefriend, my twin and beloved sister, my parents who are always constantly there for me, calling home anytime i want to and not being jailed in by these huge time differences, being real and not having to explain who I am or where I come from, 'boob tag', true uncovered non-PC non-filtered real and transparent fellowship, having my heart stirred so passionately for the homeless, being brought to tears by the pain in this world, being on-fire for God and His kingdom, having life-altering Spirit-evoking heart-molding epiphanies...i miss family, i miss friends, i miss familiarity, but most importantly.... i miss God.

i feel like my faith is so weak and so crippled that its cracking right now. Under the weight of being homesick and of feeling completely lost not to mention being overwhelmed with work, my knees are buckling and I am crying out to You Lord. For a large part without my even knowing it, i've leaned onto my past to see God's faithfulness; as if what He has done for me in my life is what defines Him. I've used my past for so long as a crutch, but i don't think its holding me up anymore, i need to see God beyond the confines of the box I've put Him in and remove these crutches so i can start running already..

iunno how, but bit by bit, I've become dulled and numbed inside. I can't hear or see the pain and suffering around me. I've lost that sensitivity, I've lost my heart - not just to the world but also to the gospel. ...this year, Good Friday was very different for me. In the past, closing my eyes and reliving what happened to Jesus Christ many years ago would put me to tears. Tears of sadness knowing He had to suffer so much for us.. for me. yet tears of joy, knowing full well that because of Him I have new life, because of Him I have hope - for Jesus Christ was forsaken so that I never need be. Although faith is more than just emotions, its a very dangerous place to be when the gospel loses its immensity, when your heart becomes numbed to the great sacrifice made in our place, to the great love extended out to us. Today and for a while now without really knowing it, I've become that numbed heart. This morning, I came to church with a mind preoccupied with everything... everything but Jesus, and with a heart too dulled to feel anything. But I left church with the Spirit imprinting my heart and soul with the urgency to get back onto these tracks, to keep persisting in this race of faith. So today, I meet You at the cross again, begging that You would fill my life with the knowledge of Your glory and Your truth. My prayer is this, that You O Lord would be more real to me than ever, that I would know You deeper and deeper beyond any 'experience' and beyond any 'feeling'. Recreate this cracking faith of mine, transform this sand into rock...

"They honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me: We can appear to draw near to God, all the while having our heart far from Him. When we look at the lives of others, we are often seduced by mere appearance and image.

God is interested in the internal and the real, yet we are far more interested in the external and the image..." -- David Guzik (on Matt15:7-9)

God is so good! and by good I mean AMAZING, WONDERFUL, AWESOME!

i landed in australia on Jan 4th, my dad's birthday, at 7:30am. but even before i landed, on the plane i already slowly started falling in love. there were about 10-12 of us all from Canada sitting together about to embark on this adventure called UQ Meds. unlike what i've heard about the ppl at canadian medschools, these guys and gals were so chill, so helpful, so nice! I know i'll love this place because i'm confident the ppl in our meds class will be supportive of each other... none of that awful backstabbing or 'fakeness' or masked intentions, etc.

after landing, Auntie Yin Leng picked me up from the airport. She had even sent me a picture of her car and herself, what she'd be wearing, her license plate number, etc. Her being so thorough completely put me at ease. She was a godsend, being the first lady I met in Australia. What a wonderful lady who gave me a crash course in aussie culture and brisbane landmarks.

We drove immediately to the church, and there i fell in love yet again, this time with the preaching. During service, the pastor (Pastor Steve) said something so quotable. It reminded me of what I myself need to be and do. "There is a time to walk away, there is a time to rebuke, but always and in all things there is a time to love." and then he also talked about what the condition of our head and heart were at. That we all need to be hard-headed but soft-hearted. no other combination will do. I pray that in all I do, i would be able to do it with the love of Christ in my heart, yet at the same time, my morals and values, my way of thinking, my roots in the Lord would never be uprooted. May I be grounded. Lord grant me thy strength to persevere and grow even stronger in your Word and love.

After church, I met many wonderful people who were so welcoming. I truly felt at home. Yet all the while, i felt so surreal about everything. I had just landed and already i was worshipping with Christians here in Australia. God is good in that no matter the distance, the blood of your Son has connected us all into your kingdom... and there need not be fear about foreign places so long as your Word still is thriving here.

After church, Keiyeng (the pastor's wife, and one really cool lady) brought me out. we bought a cellphone. went shopping at wooly's (short for woolworths - a grocery store). Everything looked the same yet different! take for example:

After shopping, I got ahold of Eleasa and went to stay with her and her parents at the Rydges hotel in south banks. What a deal! We stayed at the king suite which normally would've cost ~$400, but cuz Uncle Simon is awesome, found a deal online, then upgraded, we only had to pay ~$200 for the room. WOW! We walked around for a bit by the bank. and wow, I fell in love with australia right then and there i think. I breathed in the air, looked around at the people who were all leisurely walking and just enjoying life, then looked out to the beauty of the city perfectly mixed with the beauty of nature. It was glorious!

We had dinner that night at Ginga (trademark restaurant for the South Bank). It was delicious! And afterwards, we all went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at the movie theatre. tix were CHEAP! only $5.50 for students, which then would translate to only $5 canadian? wow eh? its double in canada! but then again, it was no silvercity. the movie screen was quite tiny, and the theatre where we sat at was also quite tiny. i must admit though, i totally slept through the whole movie! given 10pm here in brissy was 4am in victoria! After the movie, I don't really remember how i got home.. must've stumbled my way through. but i do remember landing on the bed and being knocked out after that.

The next day, ie. my 2nd day in australia! WE FOUND A HOUSE!!!! it is a beautiful house! in fact I'm writing this blog entry from my new room. God is so good :) What would normally take a week or 2 to find the perfect house, not to settle, etc. took us only ONE DAY!!!!! How crazy is that?! Let me describe this house: its a 5 minute walk away from campus (maybe even closer cuz i can SEE one of UQ's buildings from here!), there's "the village" (a collection of stores - grocery store (i.e. Coles.. nope not the bookstore! it sells Food for body not food for thought lol).... the postoffice, the beer store (lol), and various restaurants in case we students don't feel like cooking) this village is only a 4 minute walk away from our place!!! crazy no?! that and all the bus stations are there at the village, so it'll be easy for us to get out into the city :) Also to note, the average renting price in this area (called St. Lucia) is $200+. guess how much we're paying? keep in mind its a FULLY furnished place! has everything - even cooking/eating utensils, TV (that has cable! for FREE i might add lol), couches, beds, desks, chairs, lamps) well it costs $165!! wow no? i think so! Then to add more, our landlady is ALSO a Christian!! a very devout one who has been praying for nice Christian girls to rent out her place. Apparently she replied to my email because my name "grace" sounded very nice lol. Lucky us :) So God was absolutely smiling down on us with His favour that day (i guess it would be yesterday). In total there are 5 girls living here, no boys so i don't have to worry my parents or myself ! They are very nice from what i've seen so far! Also did i mention the house was gorgeous? here are a few pics i took last night!

So yes, now it is 8:19am on January 6th, 2009. My third day here in Brisbane. Today we have a welcome/international student seminar + barbecue (btw, they call bbqs, "barbie's" here! strange! lol) i shall write more later :)

I'm trying to finish my UBC application and I don't know why but I'm finding it so hard to sit down and write. I hate selling myself on paper. I feel cheap and pompous even before I've written anything. Guess I'd best get over those feelings should I wish to complete this app in time.

c'est la vie.

transition sucks. change stinks. letting go is tough. c'est la vie.

yesterday i was sitting on the couch by myself.. re-living all the memories i've stashed up over these past 4 years. and of course, just thinking of it all, brought me to tears yet again. i don't think i've ever cried so much in a given week. and worst of all, i feel alone in this feeling of mine. no one gets it... well except for you joyce and of course God. ...everyone seems to be from toronto (or around the toronto area), so its no big deal to enter that next stage in life, seeing as that next stage looks pretty much the same as the stage before.... still being surrounded by friends old and new. before coming here, my closest friends weren't Christian, and it didn't help that my youth fellowship at church consisted of 4 people, all of whom were at a different stage in their walks than me. so really back then, the only one who i had true fellowship with was God. it wasn't till i came to Queen's where God showed me what it meant to have true fellowship with other people. and although he showed me what it looked like... boy was it hard to actually follow through..... seeing as it involved being vulnerable, being able to look within myself and actually know myself fully. cuz in all honesty, even now, i still don't know who i am. but throughout this whole year, God was slowly tugging at me to open up to myself and then to you. I'm definitely a work in progress. Understatement of a lifetime. It's my prayer that in the years to come, i can embrace the past not as something which defines me, but as something that has shaped me. I pray there'd be a key to this locked heart of mine. I pray that I'd learn to know myself fully... before I've always rested in the fact that God knew me better than I knew myself. But now it's my prayer that God would reveal to me who it is that He made me to be.

I know its wrong to say that I'm scared...but the fact is I am. I'm scared of leaving everything and everyone behind. I'm scared of friendships growing distant. I'm scared of never finding someone as good as you in my life. I'm scared of entering this next phase where really i have no gameplan going into it. Funny how for so long I've prayed to God that he would never keep me "comfortable" with where I am... but that He would continually stretch me beyond my boundaries so that I can grow. and although a part of me wishes i never prayed those prayers... the better part of me knows this is something we'll all have to go through in order to grow. ...to learn to let go in order to embrace what it is that God has in store for us. And as a good friend reminded me, despite friendships and relationships coming and going, despite my relocating halfway round the world, despite things constantly changing and being changed around me.... the one thing i can cling to that will forever remain the same is my God. ....And so I will hold fast to the promise and refuge i have underneath His everlasting arms, which covers all doubt and fear and stretches from before birth to beyond death.

but still...Wow, I'm really gonna miss you guys. funny how its raining outside. kinda reflects the status of my heart right now...

i can't believe i'm going to australia :)

on the phone with my mother a few days ago, she told me about my great-grandparents. i've never heard much about them before. and then to find out that the first missionaries who came to Korea were medical missionaries... and God used these missionaries to facilitate conviction and conversion in my great-grandparent's hearts to walk in the faith. and then, for them to build 10 churches throughout their lifetime. not only that, but they were the reason why my grandfather was inspired to go into medicine... just as i am inspired to go into medicine because of my grandfather. wow! i find that so amazing! and to think this all started with a missionary named Dr. Underwood... when i get to heaven, i will be sure to thank him for taking that huge cross-cultural leap of faith in bringing the message to Korea...and ultimately allowing salvation to pour out over 4 generations!

so as i sat on my seat at church today on Mother's day, i was thinking about my great-grandmother, my grandmother and finally my mother. I look at the lives they lead, the pillars of faith that they are... and i think to myself how I wish i may be as faithful, devoted, and God-fearing as they are.

on this special day of Mother's Day, I thank God first and foremost for giving me my mother,as well as my mother's mother, and my grandmother's mother... that through all these three women, God's love and passion were exemplified in their lives. through these 3 women, a fear and devotion to follow Jesus Christ was instilled and passed down from generation to generation. Thank you Holy Father for these mothers. and Thank you Father in heaven for my dearest mother, who has been my joy, my confidante, my solace, my encouragement in this life. What a beautiful woman you have made her to be. Bless her Lord I pray.

Happy Mother's Day.

The deepest human defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by the difference between what one was capable of becoming and what one has in fact become.

- Ashley Monatgu

i hate this state of limbo. waiting... for something or nothing... either way Lord, help me be content with whatever it is that you have in store for me. only 12 days to go...

thoughts:
what's "best" for me... may not actually be what's best for me.
although parents want the best for me... they may not know what is actually the best for me.
Only God my Father knows and wants and makes out what's best for me.

HE is sovereign. HE is merciful and mighty. HE is in control of ALL things.

who cares what ppl think... even if they are the most dearest and closest people in my life.. the only person who matters is You Lord. Only You. At times i remember when i was younger... how truly you were the only one who mattered above all else and above whom else... I pray i have that kind of faith again... child-like faith to trust NOT in the things of this world... to trust NOT in earthly wisdom...but to trust only in the Lord's wisdom. I cling to your promises Lord.. that you will draw near to those who seek you. That you are merciful and mighty and kind to your children.. to those who listen and know Your voice.

Let this be a trial where my faith has been tested and refined. Deliver me through this doubt and untrust. Forgive me Father for I am weak.

closure.

PDA. that's just gross. please keep it to yourself, ESPECIALLY when you're at the library supposedly "studying"

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
~James 4:13-17

last night was full of emo-ness.
after ranting long and hard to the big G... i got nothing back except silence.

frustration.

frustration over a relationship that slammed shut, though it never even began.
frustration over not knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing come september.
frustration over friendships that will be lost.

ultimately.

frustration over change and uncertainty.



but then he gave me a verse. Isaiah 48:21

"They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts;
he made water flow for them from the rock;
he split the rock
and water gushed out."

wow. that's powerful no? i close my eyes and try to picture it... water gushing forth out of rocks. absolutely unbelievable. but of course we can expect nothing less from our almighty Father. it reminded me that despite uncertainty, despite change, all will be okay in my Father's arms. For He was and is the Designer and Creator of this universe. He made water flow from rocks. He does the impossible and will always provide for those who love Him.

therefore.

frustration has lessoned.

although i must say, i'm still finding it hard to let go of him. I guess this is a test ... to learn not to hold onto things of this earth so tightly. to not place hopes in people but to only place our hopes in the one and only constant thing we can depend on here in this life. Jesus.

tonight i went to city wide praise & worship here in Kingston before the kickoff of IWT (impact world tour)

wow. that's all i can say. so many thoughts so many revelations hit me tonight, that i must write these down lest i forget.

to see young and old, rich and poor, protestant and catholic ... to see ALL these people from all over kingston come and worship our God together - how beautiful a sight that is. I can't explain it in words... but looking out before me, i saw hands lifted high everywhere, i saw eyes gazing at the opened gates of heaven, i saw hearts blooming and ready to go FORTH to the missionfield!! God is working HERE and NOW no doubt about that. God is BIGGER, SO MUCH BIGGER than we could and can ever imagine. I feel so self-centered as a university student.. i feel that all of us studying here in Queen's, we're all so self-absorbed that we can't see how we fit into the bigger picture of this city... how we actually ARE a part of this town - although we are students, we still belong to this community, albeit for a short while. The talk around campus has been unity.. yet i feel i myself have been so blinded to the greater picture God has in front of us. The unity of our entire city, the unity of all the townships around Kingston, the unity of this province, the unity of this country. GOD is SO BIG! Just like he came and conquered cities within the old and new testaments, so He will come and conquer Kingston! He has made his claim on this city, and now we must go forth and do his work... not 4 months from now, but NOW, for the harvest is ripe!

Today they shared some stories that have already been happening throughout this campaign! They've visited 4 prisons and already 50 prisoners have responded to the alter call with tears and hands raised up in repentance. They also visited Senior homes and already 80-100 elderly people gave their lives up to Jesus! All this has been happening without us knowing. He truly does dance all around us without us ever really noticing.

We sang the song Holy is the Lord God Almighty. and the part where it says "Together we sing; everyone sing... " it really hit me hard. While we were singing this phrase, i opened my eyes and looked before me... and my heart truly SAW what these words meant! One day, this WHOLE WORLD will join together and declare that yes Holy IS the Lord God Almighty. It was just so amazing to sing TOGETHER these words... Christians in Kingston coming together and proclaiming that our God indeed does reign. Just as Jesus prayed for his disciples in John, so we are doing now... the Christians of Kingston are being united as one!

"I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. "I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified." - John 17:6-19

God can do HUGE things. we must DREAM BIG because our God is a BIG God. I remember someone in ccf saying this, but i remember reading it somewhere before I heard it in ccf... i think it may have been john piper... or matt redman? but ya, it's SO TRUE! We should Dream great dreams for God. We shouldn't dream small dreams, but Dream big dreams... dreams worthy of our big God! For it is not by power, nor by might, but by the SPIRIT of God who can do all things! And I see the big dream that many in Kingston have been praying over! The dream that Kingston will be claimed as the Lords' once and for all. That this city will unite together and become a holy city!

God will be doing great things, HUGE things, but are we ready to jump out of the boat in faith?

today i was walking home... and it dawned on me... a sort of liberating thought..

we are not our own.
we were never our own.
for before we were born, He purchased us.

I've never actually fully understood what this meant. but it actually just hit me today in midst of all the rain. As the water droplets were lightly dancing on my face, it felt like a cleansing had taken place. a re-re-birth. a burden lifted. wow. how freeing that is no? looking at that perspective, why do i ever need to worry about anything in life... for this is His purchased life that I am living. I am His. I am not my own.

I hope this world never hardens my heart to You. I hope this joy I have in You is never replaced with cynicism or negativity. I hope I always wake up each day with a smile on my face, for it is a new day that I get the chance to live for You! no matter where I end up, may your work be done in me. I am content. wow. I am so content that it kinda freaks me out.

it seems so unfair. that you meet such a wonderful group of people, and have 24 hours of awesomeness, only to realize that you're probably never going to see them ever again after you leave. wow. how sad that is. . . . . . .. i like markham. i think i shall go back sometime soon :) maybe i will see them again then.

i love kcac.
i think if i leave here, i'll be most sad about leaving this church.

in all honesty, if i had never gotten to know the chinese side, i wouldn't have felt at HOME as i feel now with this church. it's crazy. how do all those aunties and uncles remember our names? ... but ya, tonight we had dumpling night. and wow. it was amazing. seeing SOOO Many people come out, but not only that, seeing so many new faces! what a great way to reach out to co-workers, friends, even students. i felt sad.. really really sad that there were only 2 people from the english congregation who came out. we truly did miss out on an amazing night. a night where i felt part of a family. you step in and the aroma of good food hits you ! then when you head downstairs, so many friendly faces, so many warm handshakes and hugs :) i love kcac.

praise god :)

i just wanted to jot down a few praise items so i won't forget in the future how God is working in my life :)

firstly, last week was crazy busy for me. ... well in retrospect, definitely not as crazy as i thought it was while in the midst of things. but God gave me 2 huge breaks. first by cancelling work on wednesday... crazy timing that my co-workers at the last minute cancelled the meeting eh? well maybe not so much craziness as WOW-NESS for God's mercy for me :) THEN, when i stepped outside on wednesday (keep in mind that during this day there was a crazy crazy snowstorm with wind blowing at who knows how fast and so much snow that you really couldn't see what was in front of you!) anyways, THAT was the day of wednesday, but when i stepped outside, i dunno how, but it was absolutely beautiful at that moment! the sun was shining so brilliantly, the snow was floating by my face , the wind was still... it was breathtaking.

then on Sunday. we had no a/v person to help out with things. in addition, setting up sound was ESPECIALLY SLOW cuz of the EM the day before, and to add, our drummer fell sick that morning! But lo and behold, God was faithful in hearing our prayers! He provided both a drummer & an a/v person .... and it was just so wonderful worshipping our God through songs and praise. My team is so awesome in that although i'm their 'worship leader' ... really they're a self-run team. I wish ppl in our congregation could see what i see when i'm up there. to see a whole body worship our God together ... it's just so amazing. i picture the sweet fragrant of songs of praise and worship being raised up to the heavens by each and every church in this world.. How beautiful it would be from God's viewpoint in heaven eh? to hear , smell, take in, and be glorified through all the fragrances rising up to the heavens, joining and combining as one to form the most sweetest , most beautiful fragrant of all!

Lastly, I thank God for today. after prayer meeting, i read for a bit, then fell asleep.. only to wake up to a girl walking in hoping to pray. i offered to pray with her... and i dunno how , but it was AMAZING! just being able to share with her, to pray with her, to have fellowship with her no matter which campus christian group she came from! it really taught me something special about the unity within the Body. the fact that it truly is Christ who ties all of us together, and honestly that is the only lifeline that is needed :) how wonderful to be able to have a time of fellowship not with just a complete ' stranger' .. but rather with a sister in Christ :)

Praise be to God for all these things! He's constantly working, constantly moving, and constantly answering prayers! I'm excited to see what new things He will be doing throughout this next week :)

what a crazy week it has been so far..
but still God, you never cease to amaze me :)

thank you for today.
thank you for constantly answering my prayers.
thank you for painting such a beautiful day the moment i stepped outside :)

God is very merciful. I personally attest to His mercy time in time out. Funny how when i lose confidence in myself (which is often) , he is always there to put me back on my feet... he's always there to show me another door, to give me another chance. i need to work on communication... so much goes unsaid, intentions are mis-read, feelings get hurt. not a good thing.

courtesy of a friend (unbeknownst to her), i've been reading this book she left behind during christmas break. unfortunately i didn't get the chance to finish reading it over break, but i'm about halfway through, and its amazing. the book is entitled "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" , written by Dr. Paul Brand & Philip Yancey. its slowly revealing to me a whole new conception of what the body of Christ truly is. funny how God who full well knew the parallels before we could even comprehend what a cell was, created our bodies.... with the Body of Christ in his mind.

as i start a new year, i hope to grow in this understanding of who i am and how i fit into his bigger picture. how he is even possible to use me in all i lack, and in all my inadequacies.... i cannot even imagine or understand.

time and time again, Jesus cleanses our sins so that we may be reconciled with the Father. just as he forgives us, so in turn he asks us to forgive others. let's begin this new year afresh. let us put out our old yeast. let us get rid of our old wineskins. let us learn how to love each other and live with other again.

i pray he'd help me this year to discern and really look deep within myself to know and understand exactly who it is that He created me to be.

1 corinthians 4:16-18"therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"

- thank you friend. :)

Lord you are good.
Thank you for your peace. //.. help me, show me, teach me how to love... how to be a sister in Christ... how to be more like you... i love them too much to see it all slip away..

for me, it's always been hard to balance everything. i think i'm naturally predisposed as an all-or-nothing kind of person... but clearly i've gotta change that. at times i get so caught up in the things right in front of me, that i forget to see everything around me. this whole month has been exactly that. i've neglected everyone, including myself. and i'm sorry to you and to me and to everyone. the funny thing is i've been so caught up on trying to focus on NOT focusing... hmm lemme explain... earlier this month i came to some pretty drastic conclusions .. and cuz of those conclusions, i felt like there was a subconscious pull towards fulfilling them. and honestly, it spiralled me down. way down. i think worst of it all was that i forgot that God was beyond it all, i forgot to believe again that God was sovereign and merciful all along. i forgot to rely on him in helping me through all these conclusions. and because of that, i lost sight of everything and everyone. i'm surprised ppl haven't given up on me... i think maybe some have... i definitely have been mia this month. yes, part of it was due to internet not working for me at home.. and hence my being at stauffer till 2am every morning.... but more so it was part of myself trying to avoid the problem. i didn't want to think about it.. i didn't want to think about those conclusions anymore. i just wanted to live. and ironically cuz of that, i've been dying inside and out. dying to my friendships, dying to my God, dying to my parents, dying to myself. i just need time . i just need time with you God. to sort everything out. because everytime I'm with you, we talk about everything EXCEPT that. and really its the "that" that we really need to talk about before I can move on.
but for now, i gotta work/start on this essay due tomorrow at 5pm... ~25hrs to go..

"I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have "a world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten." - Oswald Chambers

ever feel like life is a spinning top? ya know.. those oldschool toys where it spins on its axis and balances on a point? its like any moment, it'll all fall... the slightest breeze or bump on the ground will topple it over... just like that.

so i've been sick these past few days... and it kinda sucks... well.. really sucks.
yesterday, i just couldn't stop coughing. my abs hurt so much. with each cough i dread how they are gonna hurt even more. this whole week, i've been feeling so weak.. mentally and physically. i'm just so drained from everything.. . but ... today is looking a bit better :)

i love my house.
last night i had the hardest time getting to sleep. i just couldn't stop coughing enough to lay my head to rest. i think i must've been coughing a lot, cuz i remember through my semi-consciousness that carolyn came into my room and started rubbing my back as i was coughing. and then there was viv who got me some real medicine, which actually worked! thank you :) and finally when i woke up today. i just felt like crap all over and i was ready to go to class and all. but joycie came downstairs and made me a hot cup of her lemon honey thing and then told me to go back to sleep right after. so i did! and i woke up now...12:26pm!! wow, i slept almost 12 hours . guess i really did need the sleep. i feel a lot better now. i'm still coughing a lot, my abs still hurt, my nose is still stuffed, and the sneezing is still endless... but mentally i'm doing better.. i don't feel like this blanket is still weighing my head down... i don't feel paralyzed. but ya, so i opened my gmail only to find that my 3 hour seminar class which i really dreaded going to was cancelled!! thank you GOD! i hate coughing in class. cuz even though you go to class, you're concentrating so hard on NOT coughing that you're not really listening to the teacher .. but yay, no class!

ok i'm gonna start my day now! hmm, maybe i shall make me some more of that honey lemon stuff :) yumm...

Prayer Request:
1. i had such an unsettling phone call last night.. not to mention major stomach cramps to top it off. it was as if my stomach felt the same way my mind was feeling. pain. why am i here? i'm here to study. but more importantly, i'm here to learn and to grow in ALL aspects of my life. but of course as usual, you both are always so much wiser than i. what do i do? please pray for my life. for direction. God, please help me clear this path i'm walking on. please help me look beyond all this uncertainty to the certainty of You... help me see the bigger picture of it all
Praise Report:
1. God you are so incredibly awesome! you've exceeded my prayers. i knew throughout it all you'd provide, i just didn't know you'd provide so quickly and so perfectly. so thank you a million times over for your faithfulness to KCAC.

2. Pastor Lo is too cool for words! He came by today to drop off moon cake!!! so clearly I'm a very happy girl today :)

3. thank you my dear friend for last night. for your prayer. you said some things i needed to hear...

i feel so broken at times. i feel like i don't know anything... and the fact that i'm so clueless forces me to trust you even more. its hard. its really hard. everything is just hard. and i wonder why its so hard for me. i just wish you'd come down now and take me to the place where you are.

please.

God, you are a faithful God. I know you always answer those who seek your face and so I am confident that you will provide workers for kcac. God won't you please impress on the congregation's hearts that this church is a living and breathing entity which is built upon and supported by EVERY SINGLE person who attends that church! just as the ligaments are present to support each and every bone of the body, so is each person who sits down in the church. WE are the church! NOT pastor Lo, not the leaders, but every person that walks in that door. We are not called to be bench-warmers; we are not called to come sunday after sunday without actively taking part in the body of Christ. at times i find myself disheartened at the lack of passion and fire. at times i just wish you would come down and shake our generation to the core! that you would shake us so hard we would be fearful to disobey your will. just like your parable of the talents. Lord, that we would not put our talents to waste, but we would use EVERYTHING you give us for your glory. may we not be that worthless servant you throw outside, into the darkness, where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.. but that we would do your will. why do we think so rationally when it comes to you? why are we so hesitant to serve you? why are we so wary to give you our time, our talent, our all. For a God who demands our TOTALITY in worship, who has ordered us to give up EVERYTHING to take up your cross... why do we think twice for you? forgive me Father, for not putting as much faith in you as I should have. Yes, I am disheartened.. but Lord I pray that you would send encouragement, that you would work in peoples' hearts TODAY and speak to them. let the sleeping hearts be awakened, and may we all arise and bring glory to your name.

Perfect Love

Do not fear (B)
Do not be weary (G#m)
For I will comfort you. (E F#)
Just keep on moving (B)
Keep on living (G#m)
For I will be here always. (E F#)
and when the dark clouds come and surround you in this life (E F#)
When it looks like hope is such a distant sight (G#m F#)
Please remember (G#m F# E)
Just remember (G#m F# E)

In perfect love there is no fear (B E G#m F#)
and my saving grace will draw you near (B E G#m F#)
and I will let my glory shine in you (B E G#m F#)
For my love, my love, my love (C#m B F#)
will be made complete in you. (E F# G#m)

1 John 4:12-18

I’m scared…
But there’s no room for fear in faith.
Keep walking, keep pushing, keep loving and living for Him and only Him.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:16-18

Stop living in fear. Stop living in doubt. For our chains were set free the moment Christ championed our hearts.

1. what great gift has God given you?
2. where does fear fit into the picture?
get up. walk. do great things. no regrets.

last night i dropped the ball.
God always provides you with 'divine appointments'
He gives you so many chances to show others His love

last night he gave me a chance, he left the door ajar.. and i kinda blew it. i was walking to Gavin's birthday and had just bought some stuff when I passed by a homeless lady sitting on the street. I stopped in the middle of the street about 2 meters from her. She must have thought I was some crazy lady just standing there. I was debating like mad in my head what to do. To keep on walking to gavin’s thing? Or to stop and talk to her? I just stood there like a silly girl, wondering what to do, and then my feet start moving away from her. I kept on walking forward…

… regrets. Don’t have them. ..Forgive me Father.

Ever have an emotion so overwhelming it almost brings you to tears? You can’t even describe what it is… friendship, understanding, warmth, security... all bubbling up from the past rolling into one huge overpowering nostalgic feeling of love. The fact that one phone call from you had me forcing these tears back last night… gosh I missed you so much, and I didn’t even know it. It’s been so long since we last talked. I’m sorry that I forgot about you. You’ll probably never read this, but I love you… so much.

I love you because you’ve always been my shoulder to laugh and cry on.
You’ve always acted so strong in front of me for the both of us
You were, are and forever will be someone I look up to and respect
You are someone always true to his word
Someone who inspires me to try harder
Who challenges me to think deeper
Someone who stood up for me and looked out for me
Who I know will always be there for me every time I fall…

I almost forgot you cared.
I almost forgot just how much I really loved you.

i love you leahcim

life is a constant struggle for perfection.
the most dangerous thing for a Christian is when we begin down the wide road marked for the self-righteous, thinking all along that we're 'safe'
..
God, thank you for bringing her to me. crazy timing that i'd bump into her at that moment... i guess you can expect nothing less, cuz your timing is always perfect.

To sinful patterns of behaviour that never get confronted and changed.
Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed --
Until weeks become months
And months turn into years,
And one day you're looking back on a life of
Deep intimate gut-wrenchingly honest conversations you never had;
Great bold prayers you never prayed,
Exhilarating risks you never took,
Sacrificial gifts you never offered
Lives you never touched,
And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,
And forgotten dreams,
And you realize there was a world of desperate need,
And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself --
You see the person you could have become but did not;
You never followed your calling.
You never got out of the boat.
- Gregg Levoy

.........................

why is it so tough to reach out to the homeless?
what a horrible feeling it is when you lend a helping hand only to be shunned
I can't even begin describe the look and the feeling that is burned into you
that look where you feel less than human
its as if you can hear their eyes saying 'who do you think you are'
every time I go out, I say the same prayer… "Lord, teach me to love"
and every time I go out, I feel so fruitless, so inadequate

God gives and takes away.. And then it dawns on you
that he gives so that it CAN be taken away
he gives so that you can have a heart that gives as abundantly as his
you could have easily been born into a life of poverty, where dignity becomes a distant friend
But God was gracious enough to provide for you so that you could provide for others.
I hate the corruption this world has in stupid divisions between socioeconomic status
I hate how people are judged according to the dollar sign attached to them
the coolest new technology, the latest fastest car, the abercrombie designer clothes
whats it all for in the end?
worst of all, I hate how I'm folly to it too at times
you look around and you're fed up with the way things work in this world
and then you look a little closer and you see that you're the problem

I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was so far away, but now I'm home
I once was blind, but now I see
I once was dead, but now I live
Now my life to you I give
Let my lifesong sing to you
Hallelujah
Thank you for life Lord. As I turn 21, I can say with full confidence I'm Yours, and that's all that matters. I'm satisfied & utterly content

there are moments, fleeting moments when i feel all air is being taken out of me. when i feel like i'm about to collapse. it hits you without forewarning and makes you gasp for air. you feel like everything around you is crumbling and that you are crumbling with it. ..and then you realize that this is reality. we live in a world where things fade in and out. nothing lasts forever except the hope and friendship we have in our Lord. So long as we keep seeking strength from our God we are forever renewed and rebuilt into a fortified structure that will never crumble for eternity. though everything else around us shatters into pieces, though our life-path becomes blurred and grey, though at times we feel like giving in and crumbling with everything else in this world, HE will be a stronghold. He will be our crutch to forever lean on. For it is NEVER by our own strength, but by His who will keep us standing when all the glitter and glam corrodes into non-existence.

...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Help me learn to love the way You have asked me to love. Help me to be satisfied with Your love alone and not to be so easily saddened or hurt from others for love is never self-seeking. Teach me to love how you love...

its 2:13am.
and it turns out we'll be catching the 3:15am bus to toronto.
CRAZY i tell you.

but i just wanted to write down these things before i forgot... things to remember... things to look back on... things to ponder

..

have you ever challenged God? or rather have you ever asked God to do a certain something to tell you which path to take, or what to think? well i did today. and now i think i'm playing with dangerous fire..

i want to be happy.
and i am happy now :)

Stand still and firm in the Lord
Do not waiver at the slightest breeze
Cling only to Him and His Word
Not to anything else,
Not even yourself.

...

walking home yesterday, i met a youth pastor from north carolina. we were talking about the state of Canada's Church. we were able to talk as if we knew each other longer than the few minutes we were talking for. he opened up so much... it makes you understand that we really are one in the bond of love. after that conversation before i left the bus, we were saying that no matter where we are, no matter what culture we come from, or what language we speak, we are all connected through His love, and thats the beauty of God's masterplan. through all the seeming differences that we as humans tend to focus on, really we're all the same. we all love, we all hurt, we all are born, and we all die.. really we're all just trying to make it through this life as best we can... leaning on each other for support.. and leaning on God for guidance as we walk through this very narrow tunnel leading to life beyond death.

life is simple. but it is only simple if we seek simplicity in complexity. its so easy to get caught up in the entangled web of life on Earth, but once we look beyond the gray clouds, then we can see the stars. life is hard. there's no doubt about that. but i think when you get to the core of things, life is only hard because we make it hard for ourselves. people seek love. people seek affirmation. people seek a sense of belonging. all these things we seek are in no way bad things.. but they are things that will never make us fully joyful. we need to seek God first and foremost because he is the only fountain of happiness we will ever drink from. Don't get lost in the complexities of life. Focus on the simplicity of God and his love for you, because in the end, thats all that matters in life.

i hate this.. i'm beginning to feel so restrained here in kingston. i just want to get out. its so frustrating at times.. how small this town is. you hear people say how they miss kingston cuz its so much more easier to live without all the complications/busyness that a big city brings. victoria, contrary to what most people think, is HUGE compared to here. you go downtown and there's so much life. i think i'm starting to miss home. i just miss familiarity. it feels like so many people are gone now.. i just wanna go .. i don't like being in kingston anymore.

but i guess God has a purpose for everything .. i know i'm glad i've gotten to know some friends at a whole new level. its surprising at times how many layers people have. its so enriching when you learn about all these different aspects a person may have.. really, people are just like onions :) its nice knowing that there's more to a person than the superficial. that a conversation can go beyond the mindless banter and actually hit those issues that pierce the core of our humanity..

or not.

i just.. really want to get out right now. maybe this is a passing phase. hopefully its a passing thing..

i'm so tired of this.. so tired in general. i think i'm gonna take a nap and dream. i like dreams.. things are so much simpler.. easier... nicer..

yesterday, i experienced what it meant to be part of the family of God
no matter what age, no matter what past, no matter who you are, you are accepted because we are all family, we are all one in the bond of His love. thank you for taking me in dear aunties. its so sad that i've always been so busy in the past not to notice what beautiful gems you are; how you both truly shine the light of our Lord. thank you.

at times i forget what my actions can mean to someone else. at times i forget that people have feelings. i know that sounds silly, but its true. I never once stop to think how others feel when i 'cop out' . i figure they have other things to do, not like their plans are contingent on mine.. i forget that everything i do has an impact on everyone else. i forget that i carry around God's name with every action, every word, every thought, every 'no-show' that i do ...

let your yes be yes and your no be no.

forgive me father for not being obedient to your word.

help me turn away from my old ways

torn away

you slip through the cracks
unnoticed
unwanted
uncared for.

gravity takes hold of you.
you fall
through that dark all-too-familiar hole
jagged and endless

closing your eyes
you cling to a thought
any thought.
something that will take your mind away
from the towering truth
the inevitable unrelenting truth.

you are falling
alone.

something catches at your feet,
a glimmer of hope streaming through
you look back
only to hear the mocking laughter.

emptiness.

embrace the cold.
embrace the nothing.

but.
you stop fighting
fists no longer clenched
eyes no longer shut
heart no longer closed.
it is now when you let go

you begin.
to feel the gentle warmth
dancing on your face
caressing each darkened contour

you begin,
to smell the sweet aroma
of familiarity teasing your senses
beckoning acknowledgment

you begin
to hear the lulling song
wrapping you in notes of love
twirling in and out

finally
you see

arms enfolding you
taking you in
lifting you up
you were blind to the strength that was not your own
to the love that held you
utterly.

for you are
utterly loved.

not for what you've done
not for who you think you are
not for anything
but simply

you are loved.
don't cry sweet girl.
you were never falling
you were never alone

for I was and will always be here.

love.

we don't choose to love, we just love. God uses man to reveal to us a picture of what love means. we catch glimpses of it from those around us.

I think the greatest lesson anyone can ever teach you is the demonstration of what love means, of what sacrificial, enduring, and patient love truly is. Love hears the unspoken words, it understands the struggling heart, and continues to believe even when you yourself have given up. Throughout my life God has shown me that love comes in all shapes and sizes. From the newborn baby who utterly puts their trust in you, to the friend who bears her soul and breaks down with you, to the parents who are constantly supporting you even when you thought they disappeared, even to the grandmas and grandpas of the church family who take you in no questions asked. All these things which make you glow inside, all these things which were done without a second thought, all these things acted out of love.

Yesterday I was able to spend some time alone. I love sitting by the lake, breathing in the fragrant air, hearing the laughter of kids playing around me, the chirping of birds quarreling over a piece of fruit, feeling the slight breeze dancing over your body and weaving through your hair. You look up to see the great expanse of blue sky, you look out to see the shimmering diamond waters, you look down to see the playful green grass waving with the wind. and through all this beauty you let go of yourself. through all this beauty you surrender. you open yourself up and allow yourself to be taken over. where you can hear the unspoken words poking its way into your heart, where you are wrapped in His arms of love. the hardest thing for me is giving up control. of letting you in. i want you to come in. its just hard. but thank you for reminding me that I am a beloved child of yours. Teach me to love as I have been loved. to look beyond the glassy eyes, to hear the unspoken words, to understand where others are coming from. to love not just for the sake of loving, but to love because YOU are love and YOU are in me.

let me overflow.

...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...

how beautiful that Paul would sum it up as perfectly and simply as that.

so far, this past summer, i haven't moved an inch.

i've been... standing here on the sidewalk, refusing to step out onto the street.
all because of the fear i thought i settled a year ago.
... really its not a fear. its just... i can't place it. i think a part of me has become kinda down and oblivious not to mention complacent.

i need to realize that feelings are fickle.. i think i've come to a greater understanding of that now moreso than before. i know that through it all, truth stands, his Word stands. i just got lost in everything else.. i lost focus. i lost trust. just as pastor lo mentioned this week, i need to go to Him FIRST, not my devised plans, not thinking through the practicalities in my head before executing anything... but even before sitting down and getting started... i need to start with prayer! .... .. i just need a push to get me going again because i've been standing still for too long now. and i think i got that push. ... funny it was from the person i least expected... from david. thank you. i don't know how you did it without even knowing what i was thinking... but you re-lit this fire in me.


...

you who have been my shoulder to lean on...i'm really going to miss you when you leave. this past summer especially... i've been such a crybaby. which is funny . cuz i never cry. i never let things get to me.. or i never think about things long enough to understand the full depth of emotion it can release. its as if i have a blocker in my head to stop me from opening pandora's box, to stop me from feeling sadness. yet out of everyone in my life.. you've been the only one who has managed to open that box. ... its been nice just being able to sit next to you without even exchanging a single word.. yet feeling at peace .. because you already understand everything in my head and my heart.

...
anyways... i'm tired of drifting from day to day without ever moving forward. i'm tired of this complacency.. its driving me up the wall.
..but i am determined to keep on walking forward. Lord God, please help me. you know i'm a weak one.. you know i can be so easily hurt.. help me to cling onto you as you walk forward for the both of us..

i love you.
you'll never know just how much you mean to me..
i know things never happen by chance. our paths crossed for a reason. i don't know why, but all i know is that i need you. you're the sister i always wished i could have..
even if you don't love you yet, know that for now, i'll love you for the both of us :)

I'm praying for you.
constantly.

God has huge plans for me and you.

We should expect great things because we believe and have faith in a great God.



The moment we lower our expectations, the moment we settle for less, we are in fact telling God to his face that we don't believe in His power and His strength. Now the real struggle is transmitting this head knowledge into practical application for life. Sure, it's easy enough to say "I expect great things because I have faith in a great God" but do we really mean what we say? ...do I really mean what I say? how sad that we'd lack faith in such a faithful Father, but its good to remember faith is all or nothing. at times it gets tough, but nonetheless, it is always there because the moment we accepted Jesus into our lives, the spirit descended and made its home upon us, helping us along when we ourselves are too weak to go any further. So yes, I believe in great things because I have a great Father. I know at times this belief wavers, I've experienced how the roots of my faith can be so shallow to be toppled by the slightest wind, but with time the roots grow until we become a deeply rooted tree. however this can only happen if we nurture ourselves through prayer, fasting, and reading & internally digesting His written word. Because it is through these things that we are reminded that our God truly is a Faithful God, a merciful Father, and our beloved Creator.

But just as Pastor Lo mentioned a couple sundays ago, if you can't even show faith and trust in the little things God gives you, then how can he use you for even greater things? So really, if you expect great things, then prove you can handle them by preparing yourself and living a life that is honourable, righteous and blameless among man and with God. Become that person you've always wanted to be. The secular world states that change is nearly impossible, but God is beyond the impossible. So believe, change, and see the fruits God will bring forth in your lives.

Lord, I believe. I believe in You because you are Great, You are Faithful, and you are eternal

it seems so simple.. and it is.

live a life that glorifies God.

in all we do, glorify Him, whether it be through our work, hobbies, relationships, friendships, the things we say, the actions we do, our character, even our mindless errands. its all for His glory.

yes, life is complicated. life is windy and uncertain. you can never see around the corner, but despite all this, despite the entangled mess that is life, it's so simple. it's always simple.

God loves us. therefore we love God.

that's it. that's all you ever need to know and all you ever need to do in life.





...Lord, I yearn for you more than ever...

why are parents always so wise.

i remember when i was younger, all the things they'd say would fly right through my head. i'd absentmindedly say "yes" or "i know" when in fact, i had no clue what they meant behind the words they said. now, everytime i talk to them, i'm astounded as to how much depth of wisdom can be transferred in a simple statement. i never realized there'd be more to what they'd say than just the surface meaning, that i'd have to grasp a deeper understanding beneath the words... i listen, and i reflect on my own life, and then i wonder... when i'm older, will i ever be as wise as them? i hope so...

:) i told them to write all their words of wisdom into a book of some sort... they should publish it one of these days lol...

i love you God.
more than words can ever say.

you found me in darkness,
and brought me into light.

you held my hand as I was falling,
you smoothed my rough edges until they were all gone.

you showed me what love meant,
and taught me how to love again.

... i love you God...

with all my heart.

ever wake up in the morning having that feeling in your heart that today is gonna be a great day? today was one of those days for me. I woke up early, as i often tend to do these days, the sun was dancing on my face and the drilling noises of the construction workers outside my window sounded like an old ancient drum song softly lulling me into consciousness.

as i was walking to my bus stop, i couldn't help but smile as i looked up to the great blue expanse above me with peeking green leaves shimmering through the sunrays. then to be greeted by birds chirping their hello's and squirrels hopping joyfully around going about their business for the day. how beautiful it is to see God's creation, to see God's beauty reflected onto this world :)

what a beautiful day it is today :)

Acts 17:1-15

To mirror the motivation and intensity of apostle Paul....

Paul had conviction; he had a sense of urgency towards the lost of this world, knowing that mankind is essentially doomed without faith in Jesus Christ. Not only that, but he had the knowledge that one day each Christian would have to stand before the Lord and recount his or her service to Him and the least of His sheep in the world he commanded us to take care of - the world where he asked us to 'go forth and make disciples' out of. Knowing his life was but a vapour, he chose to make the most out of all situations, he didn't hesitate for one second about his calling or his mission. Paul was persistent in his faith for our Father in heaven for it is a Christian's duty in life to obey and to please our Father, knowing that the onus of what we've done with our lives, whether it was a life holy and pleasing to our father or a life utterly abandoned to the sins of this world, is completely on us.

"So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade men. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience." - 2 Corinthians 5:9-11

Paul fully embraced God's leading, and fully abandoned the world in order to carry out his mission in life. He stepped out of comfort into the arms of the unknown, pushing himself further and further to expand the gospel, to expand His kingdom. However, these days, too often or not, we have become complacent. We have stopped caring with a sense of urgency.. I know I have. Remember the day when you first truly believed, when God revealed his majesty and his glory to you in full? I do. and the first thing I wanted to do was tell everyone. I remember we'd do brown-bag runs, where we'd hand out lunches to the homeless in Victoria. Back then, I wasn't afraid to talk about God. I wasn't afraid to go up to the least of His sheep. I only saw one thing when I'd go up to talk to the homeless... I'd see God's love for them. But somewhere along the road, I got cold. I stopped caring.

I say I yearn for so much more in this life of mine. But really, all I yearn for is to fulfill God's will in my own life. I am ready to follow you. I am ready to go where you will lead me.

...

Thought to ponder:

What are my God-given talents and gifts?
How can I use them to fulfill His calling for me?


but more importantly...


... what IS my calling???

2:52pm.

it just hit me.

this whole year, Pastor Lo has been focusing on Evangelism & Missions. After Pastor Teo came to speak at kcac, I felt renewed in my vision, yet here i am today lines blurred, boundaries diluted, paths broken..

wow. have you been trying to re-align my thoughts, re-align my steps through Pastor Lo?

what does it all mean.





...

word to reflect on:

persistence

I know you are sovereign over my life
I know you are Lord of ALL creation
I know I am yours and will always be called yours
I know you are my first and only true love in this world
I know where the spirit of the Lord is, there I will find peace and freedom

...

yet...

i'm still swirling in this foggy abyss... going nowhere.
and my feet are still glued to this boat, refusing to step out onto the roaring waves of the sea
and worst of all, i'm still chained by fear and doubt

...

i keep on procrastinating.
why?

cuz i'm afraid.

i'm so afraid.

..i'm all smiles and laughs only because i choose to block out reality... i choose not to think of what might or might not happen. and that is why i'm happy.

i'm afraid to talk to michael ... i know he'll want to know how exams went... the ritualistic stating of each course followed by each percentage i got.. all this while in the back of my mind michael's marks are being blared aloud and contrasted to mine like day and night..

i know where my worth is. I know I'm not defined by marks, nor should I feel like less of a person just cuz those numbers aren't where I had hoped for them to be..

but i can't help but feel down.. i can't help but feel a bit discouraged... i wanna just crawl into a corner and cry out WHY... why is it so hard for me? why can't i do well in school anymore? what happened.. it feels like somethings in my head.. blocking me.

i hate uncertainty.. yet i know it will be a best friend for me throughout life if i continue down this path.. letting it consume me.. letting it get to me.. so i guess i better learn now how to deal. but at this very moment... i just need to snap out of this false sense of security... this complacency based on zilch. i need to get a move on towards figuring this life of mine... i need to stop procrastinating.. everything seems so daunting, so terrifying and unaccomplishable only because i have no clue whats going on. i need to get back into the groove of things.. i need my gameplan again... i need to get back my game face ... and to stop with this pathetic whimpering

but... it feels so safe to be hiding in the corner with my face turned away from this world

...and from my life.

difference reduction: psyc 220 . how do i achieve that goal-state? by what means will i reach the end? who do i most strive to be? and how do i get there from where i am right now. i can't wait for summer. i just need some time to think. i just need some time to spend with you and only you. lately i haven't been thinking too much. my brain has been fried ten times over, and even now it hurts to think of anything other than school. i'm a hollow shell of who i strive to be. i yearn for more in this world. i yearn for you God. take me back please? teach me to be more like you. please Lord have mercy on me. i jumped the gun didn't i? i think i did. there's waiting on the Lord for you. oh how silly i am. why do i always have to take things into my own hands? why is it that i don't have enough patience to wait on you..

i pray for forgiveness.

i pray for focus.

i'm sorry . i think for a second i forgot my identity.. why else would i say the things i say, or do the things i do?

why is it that i keep on walking down this same road.. why do i sway so easily when the slightest breeze flies by... why am i so squishy.... i hate being like this.. i hate this... i need to get off this cloud... i really do.. cuz its hurting my soul i think... i'm not seeing clearly...

yes things have changed.. but some things ought to not change... and yet... those things that aren't supposed to change ARE changing.. ..

..

i pray for peace.

peace of mind

peace of heart

..
..
..

to God be the glory Great things he hath done!

random

I'm sorry for not caring enough, for being so self-absorbed ..

I'm sorry for taking matters into my own hands. I'm sorry for losing focus..

I'm sorry for getting out of that boat only to climb back in..

do i have any regrets for this year? if i could do it all again what would i do?
i don't know if i would have done the same things.. i don't think i would have made the same decisions. but who cares what i would have done... its the past now.

i wish school wasn't so hard and scary. what am i even afraid of? bad marks? so what! God still has his plan for me.. but the thing is... i know i haven't tried my best... and like all decisions and all choices in life, i must face the consequences of that. .. even if it means bad marks.

..
.. i'm sorry for losing sight of you..


..


i miss music.
its weird... but i dunno why i'm so emotional.. maybe its this song..
listening to one of chopin's etudes... i started remembering the past... i love music. sitting on that piano was my refuge. where it would only be me and you. classical music is so beautiful.. it truly expresses the deepest yearnings of the soul... i want to get back to that time again... where i could play freely .. its like it was a period in my past that i can never return to ..

.... i'm not going to stop playing... after exams, i'm returning to the piano again... i hope.. but like always, technique and time holds me back ..


.....

..
..

why is it that i find it so hard to open up to people? its like i have a pride issue i need to get over.. a false pride about nothing...

when did things get so superficial again? i don't care about the silly things... i don't wanna hear about them... i wanna know how you really are doing... .. tell me... how can i be a better person... i need to be less self-absorbed...less prideful...

i choose you. no turning back, no stopping, no hesitating... none of that anymore... because despite everything this world has to offer, i choose you. YOU! I choose YOU!!! how funny that i've tricked myself into believing that this world could actually give me all i want, give me peace, happinness, joy... but when i look closely, everything this world offers is nothing but dust, from dust we were born, and to dust we will become. and after everything has shattered, all I'm left with is you. and i realize now that you are the true treasure i've been searching for my whole life. it is you where all good comes from, it is you where i shall find rest. i lay broken and bare in your hands. cloak me with your everlasting righteousness. may i not be driven by emotions, but by truth. truth that stands and will stand eternally.

help me live out a life worthy of your name. there's such weight given to the name "Christian". i bear your name, your cross. i feel i'm so unworthy to be called a Christian. i'm so unworthy to be loved by you. and yet you do. why? how funny you are that you'd accept ME, you'd take me in all that i lack, in all my imperfections, you still choose me. but that isn't why i choose you. i don't choose you because you chose me, i choose you because i NEED you. because this life isn't worth living if i don't have you. because i can't live this life if you're not with me. all things fade with time. i too will fade, but you , you will always be bold and brilliant , you will always outshine the brightest star. you. you will always have my heart. i love you. i choose you. you and only you.