for me, it's always been hard to balance everything. i think i'm naturally predisposed as an all-or-nothing kind of person... but clearly i've gotta change that. at times i get so caught up in the things right in front of me, that i forget to see everything around me. this whole month has been exactly that. i've neglected everyone, including myself. and i'm sorry to you and to me and to everyone. the funny thing is i've been so caught up on trying to focus on NOT focusing... hmm lemme explain... earlier this month i came to some pretty drastic conclusions .. and cuz of those conclusions, i felt like there was a subconscious pull towards fulfilling them. and honestly, it spiralled me down. way down. i think worst of it all was that i forgot that God was beyond it all, i forgot to believe again that God was sovereign and merciful all along. i forgot to rely on him in helping me through all these conclusions. and because of that, i lost sight of everything and everyone. i'm surprised ppl haven't given up on me... i think maybe some have... i definitely have been mia this month. yes, part of it was due to internet not working for me at home.. and hence my being at stauffer till 2am every morning.... but more so it was part of myself trying to avoid the problem. i didn't want to think about it.. i didn't want to think about those conclusions anymore. i just wanted to live. and ironically cuz of that, i've been dying inside and out. dying to my friendships, dying to my God, dying to my parents, dying to myself. i just need time . i just need time with you God. to sort everything out. because everytime I'm with you, we talk about everything EXCEPT that. and really its the "that" that we really need to talk about before I can move on.
but for now, i gotta work/start on this essay due tomorrow at 5pm... ~25hrs to go..

"I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have "a world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten." - Oswald Chambers

ever feel like life is a spinning top? ya know.. those oldschool toys where it spins on its axis and balances on a point? its like any moment, it'll all fall... the slightest breeze or bump on the ground will topple it over... just like that.