i'm struggling right now.

i miss mittens & scarves, cottonball snowflakes, that crisp smell of autumn air, falling leaves of red yellow and orange, walking on Johnson Street to church early on sunday mornings, opening the side door to KCAC and hearing the sqeak that accompanies it, worship leading, closing my eyes and being able to sing familiar praise songs that I know the words to, holding hands and receiving limitless hugs, walking down my street and finding a friend, my crying buddy who understands my times of silence, my nighttime buddy and gigglefriend, my twin and beloved sister, my parents who are always constantly there for me, calling home anytime i want to and not being jailed in by these huge time differences, being real and not having to explain who I am or where I come from, 'boob tag', true uncovered non-PC non-filtered real and transparent fellowship, having my heart stirred so passionately for the homeless, being brought to tears by the pain in this world, being on-fire for God and His kingdom, having life-altering Spirit-evoking heart-molding epiphanies...i miss family, i miss friends, i miss familiarity, but most importantly.... i miss God.

i feel like my faith is so weak and so crippled that its cracking right now. Under the weight of being homesick and of feeling completely lost not to mention being overwhelmed with work, my knees are buckling and I am crying out to You Lord. For a large part without my even knowing it, i've leaned onto my past to see God's faithfulness; as if what He has done for me in my life is what defines Him. I've used my past for so long as a crutch, but i don't think its holding me up anymore, i need to see God beyond the confines of the box I've put Him in and remove these crutches so i can start running already..

iunno how, but bit by bit, I've become dulled and numbed inside. I can't hear or see the pain and suffering around me. I've lost that sensitivity, I've lost my heart - not just to the world but also to the gospel. ...this year, Good Friday was very different for me. In the past, closing my eyes and reliving what happened to Jesus Christ many years ago would put me to tears. Tears of sadness knowing He had to suffer so much for us.. for me. yet tears of joy, knowing full well that because of Him I have new life, because of Him I have hope - for Jesus Christ was forsaken so that I never need be. Although faith is more than just emotions, its a very dangerous place to be when the gospel loses its immensity, when your heart becomes numbed to the great sacrifice made in our place, to the great love extended out to us. Today and for a while now without really knowing it, I've become that numbed heart. This morning, I came to church with a mind preoccupied with everything... everything but Jesus, and with a heart too dulled to feel anything. But I left church with the Spirit imprinting my heart and soul with the urgency to get back onto these tracks, to keep persisting in this race of faith. So today, I meet You at the cross again, begging that You would fill my life with the knowledge of Your glory and Your truth. My prayer is this, that You O Lord would be more real to me than ever, that I would know You deeper and deeper beyond any 'experience' and beyond any 'feeling'. Recreate this cracking faith of mine, transform this sand into rock...