I'm trying to finish my UBC application and I don't know why but I'm finding it so hard to sit down and write. I hate selling myself on paper. I feel cheap and pompous even before I've written anything. Guess I'd best get over those feelings should I wish to complete this app in time.

c'est la vie.

transition sucks. change stinks. letting go is tough. c'est la vie.

yesterday i was sitting on the couch by myself.. re-living all the memories i've stashed up over these past 4 years. and of course, just thinking of it all, brought me to tears yet again. i don't think i've ever cried so much in a given week. and worst of all, i feel alone in this feeling of mine. no one gets it... well except for you joyce and of course God. ...everyone seems to be from toronto (or around the toronto area), so its no big deal to enter that next stage in life, seeing as that next stage looks pretty much the same as the stage before.... still being surrounded by friends old and new. before coming here, my closest friends weren't Christian, and it didn't help that my youth fellowship at church consisted of 4 people, all of whom were at a different stage in their walks than me. so really back then, the only one who i had true fellowship with was God. it wasn't till i came to Queen's where God showed me what it meant to have true fellowship with other people. and although he showed me what it looked like... boy was it hard to actually follow through..... seeing as it involved being vulnerable, being able to look within myself and actually know myself fully. cuz in all honesty, even now, i still don't know who i am. but throughout this whole year, God was slowly tugging at me to open up to myself and then to you. I'm definitely a work in progress. Understatement of a lifetime. It's my prayer that in the years to come, i can embrace the past not as something which defines me, but as something that has shaped me. I pray there'd be a key to this locked heart of mine. I pray that I'd learn to know myself fully... before I've always rested in the fact that God knew me better than I knew myself. But now it's my prayer that God would reveal to me who it is that He made me to be.

I know its wrong to say that I'm scared...but the fact is I am. I'm scared of leaving everything and everyone behind. I'm scared of friendships growing distant. I'm scared of never finding someone as good as you in my life. I'm scared of entering this next phase where really i have no gameplan going into it. Funny how for so long I've prayed to God that he would never keep me "comfortable" with where I am... but that He would continually stretch me beyond my boundaries so that I can grow. and although a part of me wishes i never prayed those prayers... the better part of me knows this is something we'll all have to go through in order to grow. ...to learn to let go in order to embrace what it is that God has in store for us. And as a good friend reminded me, despite friendships and relationships coming and going, despite my relocating halfway round the world, despite things constantly changing and being changed around me.... the one thing i can cling to that will forever remain the same is my God. ....And so I will hold fast to the promise and refuge i have underneath His everlasting arms, which covers all doubt and fear and stretches from before birth to beyond death.

but still...Wow, I'm really gonna miss you guys. funny how its raining outside. kinda reflects the status of my heart right now...