God is good :)
so very very good :)

despite not knowing where we'll be going (immediately or further in the future), Thank God we can be certain in Him and our ultimate path no matter what, for there is certainty within uncertainty in this world. What a delight that is to know :)

"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

thoughts...

Abandoning myself to God means refusing to have the luxury of asking questions.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing grander than having a life that is hid with Christ in God.

I am blocked from complete abandonment perhaps because of disobedience or because I refuse to be simple enough.

again... it all comes down to:
God loves me.
Therefore I love God.

To be completely abandoned to Him means to know and understand the depth of who He is and what He has done for me, and then for me to act accordingly in response to that.

At the core of Christian living, it is faith. But being a Christian is more than just having faith. It's chasing after obedience and holiness, and as a result of that, a fruitful well-grounded way of life grows out from our rooted faith. More specifically, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love become increasingly more evident in our lives.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:5-8

"Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall" 2 Peter 1:10

I pray I may be diligent, unceasing & relentlessly persistent in adding to my faith, not backsliding towards apathy, complacency, self-righteousness, pride, or a crumbling faith built on sand with only love for myself and no one else...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny."

- Samuel Smiles

In the past, these 4 lines written above gave me peace and reassurance. However, over this weekend, these lines kept on popping up in my head, but for different reasons, for a different purpose this time. They challenged me to open my eyes yet again, and see exactly WHO I am and WHY I am on this earth. I am His. I am here for Him. It's so simple. Yet, how could I forget? How could I give Him anything less than 100% of my entire being? I truly yearn to know His Word inside out, to be living a life glorifying to Him, to be reaching out and bringing people into His kingdom, to reignite that sense of burden in being so deeply moved to share the gospel with a friend or a stranger. I yearn for God to use me fully and for me to be recklessly and wholly abandoned to His will.

.

Everything comes secondary to the will of God and His Kingdom here on earth. I pray that my passion in life would be solely that and that alone. Lord, let Thy kingdom come, and let Your will be done on earth and throughout my life.

During stress-inducing moments of anxiety, Lord let me lean on You alone. May I humble myself knowing full well that my life is completely under Your mighty hand. May I stand firm knowing full well that I am not alone,but rather I am surrounded by grace. Restore me Lord, build my faith upon rock, deeply root my mind and spirit into Your truth, and lead me to the life everlasting.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -- 1 Peter 5:6-10

I need to be more mindful of what I do, what I say, how I come off to others, so that in all things God may be praised!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:10-11

"Frida: Chosen to Die, Destined to Live." These past few days, I've been allowing myself to escape into the life of Gashumba Frida, a survivor of the Rwandan genocide. Quite often, I find myself separating head and heart when it comes to reading about the atrocities of this world. It's easy to look at 'history' and separate one's self from it, for its just something written on paper, something that has no immediate effect on me, something that is too distant to fully comprehend or fully care. As a result, 'history' just becomes facts or statistics, and the full flood of weight that it bears is lost.

However, yesterday as I was reading, I broke into sobs and was unable to stop the tears from flowing down my face. To imagine that the red line between Hutus and Tutsis caused neighbours to turn against neighbours, friends against friends, even to see "Christians" killing other Christians.. it all sickened me to the core and made me want to throw up. And then for a father to witness his whole family die before him, that thought was what opened the floodgates for me. I can't imagine how any human being could be so... monstrous, so evil, so disgustingly inhuman to kill even grandmothers, grandfathers, pregnant mothers, children, and even babies... worse than that, they did it so cruelly, trying to inflict as much pain as possible. Yet despite this, there were people like Frida's grandfather who started singing hymns while being marched towards death's door, who had faith in God till the very bloody end, who even preached the gospel of God's grace through His Son Jesus Christ to his murderers.

I close my eyes, and place myself in midst of the Rwandan genocide, and all I can do is cry. What horrible creatures we are! That we are capable of such immense evil is revolting and saddening. If anything, it shows how much we need God in our lives; for without God all that is left is evil and we become deplorable creatures with no sense of conscience, no heart, no soul, and worst of all.. no hope.

"Take the good out of the murky"

It's not good to care so much about our outward selves, that we forget our inward selves. Then again its not good to not care about our outward selves such that we don't even respect our body or appreciate the beauty that we are part of God's creation. The answer is not black and white. Wearing bummy clothes and never combing our hair is not what Peter's asking. He's asking that we remember where our TRUE beauty lies; he's asking us to examine ourselves and ask the tough questions 'Does outward beauty matter more than inward beauty to us?', 'Are we putting more effort inwards than we do outwards?'. Really it all boils down to one question, 'Where do our hearts lie? In ourselves or in God?'

Therefore its good to love our outward selves and appreciate the fact that we are God's creation, while seeking and searching to conform our inward selves to the beauty of Christ-likeness through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

Who am I?

I am God's.

That's who I am.

What a liberating and comforting thought. Therefore, in tough times, I ought to bear it and endure it, all the while placing my trust completely in Him who sits enthroned above.

"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" - 1 Peter 2:9

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls" - 1 Peter 2:23-25

I remember a time when being filled to the brim with joy was such a huge part of who I was as a Christian. That was then, and here I am now, trying to re-light this dampened wick to my soul. I truly do wish to get back to being filled with an "inexpressible and glorious joy" for having received salvation and for being filled with the Holy Spirit.

I think often times, I downplay the role of the Spirit in my life. Yet what a tragedy. For the Spirit convicts our hearts, transforms our minds, empowers us and keeps us in step with God bestowing unto us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And so today I pray to the Spirit to fill my heart again with joy, true joy in having my hope fully set on the grace given to me through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"Christian life is all about plodding". I know that it's okay to have 'bleh' days and 'bleh' emotions, yet despite that, true joy should never fade despite circumstances. I've taken up Keiyeng's advice, and I've started each day by praying that despite how 'bleh' I may be feeling, or how trying the day may be, I choose to trust in the Lord, to have my hopes set on Him and His perfect will. And I just pray that in time, that hope will be enough for my heart to be set ablaze with inner joy, no matter how grey the day may be.


"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:8-9

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed" - 1 Peter 1:13

Today I spent the afternoon with Keiyeng, a lovely insightful & godly woman. She said a few things that really made these wheels in my head turn. They are things I am determined not to leave on the shelf, things i don't just want to be fascinated by and then turn a blind eye, but things I hope to dwell on further in order to resolve this inner constant struggle of living out a life that glorifies Him.

So what were some of the things said?

1. It's easy to hide behind the veneer of 'ministry' and 'Christian-ness' in order to compensate or cover up our faults and underlying sins, or perhaps just to busy ourselves from getting a chance to really know who we are

2. It's tempting to draw a line between black and white, but its important to remember that perhaps black and white is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes taking the good out and separating it from the murky is what is needed.

3. Faith in God is Trust in God. To live a life of faith doesn't mean soaring and flying high like we often hear from those great men and women of faith, but rather "Christian living is all about plodding". It's about waking up each day, no matter how ugly and burden-filled it may be, yet choosing to trust in Him and trudge through the day.

May these insights not just be left at that, collecting dust in the archives of some blog, but rather, I pray this newfound insight would boost me up in my walk of faith.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts! See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! - Psalm 139:23-24

"Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus. We have to keep letting go, and slowly and surely the great full life of God will invade us in every part, and men will take knowledge of us that we have been with Jesus" - Oswald Chambers

although i still feel homesick, its not crippling me anymore. three things i've learned.

1) its normal to feel homesick. feeling this way doesn't lesson my faith in any way...
2) i need to learn to let go. not that i need to let go of my love for home, but rather i ought to let go of my dependance on home. although its okay to feel homesick, it's not okay to let it consume me.
3) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" 2 cor 1:2-4

Thank you God for helping me through this time and for placing people in my life at this moment who have been such an encouragement and lifter of my downtrodden soul.

i'm struggling right now.

i miss mittens & scarves, cottonball snowflakes, that crisp smell of autumn air, falling leaves of red yellow and orange, walking on Johnson Street to church early on sunday mornings, opening the side door to KCAC and hearing the sqeak that accompanies it, worship leading, closing my eyes and being able to sing familiar praise songs that I know the words to, holding hands and receiving limitless hugs, walking down my street and finding a friend, my crying buddy who understands my times of silence, my nighttime buddy and gigglefriend, my twin and beloved sister, my parents who are always constantly there for me, calling home anytime i want to and not being jailed in by these huge time differences, being real and not having to explain who I am or where I come from, 'boob tag', true uncovered non-PC non-filtered real and transparent fellowship, having my heart stirred so passionately for the homeless, being brought to tears by the pain in this world, being on-fire for God and His kingdom, having life-altering Spirit-evoking heart-molding epiphanies...i miss family, i miss friends, i miss familiarity, but most importantly.... i miss God.

i feel like my faith is so weak and so crippled that its cracking right now. Under the weight of being homesick and of feeling completely lost not to mention being overwhelmed with work, my knees are buckling and I am crying out to You Lord. For a large part without my even knowing it, i've leaned onto my past to see God's faithfulness; as if what He has done for me in my life is what defines Him. I've used my past for so long as a crutch, but i don't think its holding me up anymore, i need to see God beyond the confines of the box I've put Him in and remove these crutches so i can start running already..

iunno how, but bit by bit, I've become dulled and numbed inside. I can't hear or see the pain and suffering around me. I've lost that sensitivity, I've lost my heart - not just to the world but also to the gospel. ...this year, Good Friday was very different for me. In the past, closing my eyes and reliving what happened to Jesus Christ many years ago would put me to tears. Tears of sadness knowing He had to suffer so much for us.. for me. yet tears of joy, knowing full well that because of Him I have new life, because of Him I have hope - for Jesus Christ was forsaken so that I never need be. Although faith is more than just emotions, its a very dangerous place to be when the gospel loses its immensity, when your heart becomes numbed to the great sacrifice made in our place, to the great love extended out to us. Today and for a while now without really knowing it, I've become that numbed heart. This morning, I came to church with a mind preoccupied with everything... everything but Jesus, and with a heart too dulled to feel anything. But I left church with the Spirit imprinting my heart and soul with the urgency to get back onto these tracks, to keep persisting in this race of faith. So today, I meet You at the cross again, begging that You would fill my life with the knowledge of Your glory and Your truth. My prayer is this, that You O Lord would be more real to me than ever, that I would know You deeper and deeper beyond any 'experience' and beyond any 'feeling'. Recreate this cracking faith of mine, transform this sand into rock...