i keep on procrastinating.
why?

cuz i'm afraid.

i'm so afraid.

..i'm all smiles and laughs only because i choose to block out reality... i choose not to think of what might or might not happen. and that is why i'm happy.

i'm afraid to talk to michael ... i know he'll want to know how exams went... the ritualistic stating of each course followed by each percentage i got.. all this while in the back of my mind michael's marks are being blared aloud and contrasted to mine like day and night..

i know where my worth is. I know I'm not defined by marks, nor should I feel like less of a person just cuz those numbers aren't where I had hoped for them to be..

but i can't help but feel down.. i can't help but feel a bit discouraged... i wanna just crawl into a corner and cry out WHY... why is it so hard for me? why can't i do well in school anymore? what happened.. it feels like somethings in my head.. blocking me.

i hate uncertainty.. yet i know it will be a best friend for me throughout life if i continue down this path.. letting it consume me.. letting it get to me.. so i guess i better learn now how to deal. but at this very moment... i just need to snap out of this false sense of security... this complacency based on zilch. i need to get a move on towards figuring this life of mine... i need to stop procrastinating.. everything seems so daunting, so terrifying and unaccomplishable only because i have no clue whats going on. i need to get back into the groove of things.. i need my gameplan again... i need to get back my game face ... and to stop with this pathetic whimpering

but... it feels so safe to be hiding in the corner with my face turned away from this world

...and from my life.