for me, it's always been hard to balance everything. i think i'm naturally predisposed as an all-or-nothing kind of person... but clearly i've gotta change that. at times i get so caught up in the things right in front of me, that i forget to see everything around me. this whole month has been exactly that. i've neglected everyone, including myself. and i'm sorry to you and to me and to everyone. the funny thing is i've been so caught up on trying to focus on NOT focusing... hmm lemme explain... earlier this month i came to some pretty drastic conclusions .. and cuz of those conclusions, i felt like there was a subconscious pull towards fulfilling them. and honestly, it spiralled me down. way down. i think worst of it all was that i forgot that God was beyond it all, i forgot to believe again that God was sovereign and merciful all along. i forgot to rely on him in helping me through all these conclusions. and because of that, i lost sight of everything and everyone. i'm surprised ppl haven't given up on me... i think maybe some have... i definitely have been mia this month. yes, part of it was due to internet not working for me at home.. and hence my being at stauffer till 2am every morning.... but more so it was part of myself trying to avoid the problem. i didn't want to think about it.. i didn't want to think about those conclusions anymore. i just wanted to live. and ironically cuz of that, i've been dying inside and out. dying to my friendships, dying to my God, dying to my parents, dying to myself. i just need time . i just need time with you God. to sort everything out. because everytime I'm with you, we talk about everything EXCEPT that. and really its the "that" that we really need to talk about before I can move on.
but for now, i gotta work/start on this essay due tomorrow at 5pm... ~25hrs to go..