It's been a long time since I last wrote my thoughts out here. It's been too long. As I re-read through some of the last posts that I put up, I feel this weighty awful pit within me. there is a lot of diminishing... of fervour, zeal, that strong sense of certainty in the glorious truth of God, and my sense of security and knowledge of who I'm grounded in. I don't recognise who I've become in light of who I was and who I thought I'd be. My faith lived out has often become a bit of an afterthought.
Work has taken over, I often live for myself and my own happiness, I seek approval from others, from my husband, from friends and family, from my work, from people at my church. it's as if I've lost my compass leading me forward and find myself at times going down a different path.
It's too easy for me to blame other things. Mostly I will blame my circumstances, that it's because i'm in a "busy season" of my life, and this will all blow over. I think to myself that once I finish my training, I'll come out of the other end and pick up from where I left off. How I miss out by not placing God at the center in my every circumstance and season. Or I blame my husband, that his own faith has faltered, that I blame him for not steering and spurring me to the right path as well. How unloving and hypocritical of me to expect that which I do not give. Or I blame even my church fellowship, that we are small and under-resourced and are a people often too busy to spend time doing life and encouraging each other on this race of faith. And yet our small church is still one filled with much grace and encouragement through the individual faith stories lived out. But ultimately, it comes down to me that I blame. I'm far too forgetful of His grace and living this out with gratitude and persevering in the race. Forgive me Lord.
Help me not to live out faith by what I say alone. Help me not be blinded to my own sin where too often I falter to the default trajectory of idolatry and self-serving ways. Help me live out grace, loving You fully because of the love you extended to me, loving others joyfully as an overflow, not forcing myself from outside but exuding from within. Help me be at peace with Your truth, knowing this is the one true Word, the Word that brings life out of death. Help me find myself again, knowing that I am in You and You are in me, and that is my identity, I am Yours and bought at the price of Your son, Jesus Christ. Help me be honest with myself and with others with my struggles, and even one step before this, help reveal to me the truth within my heart and mind. Lord, I do not want my faith and life in You to be an afterthought...
