so far, this past summer, i haven't moved an inch.

i've been... standing here on the sidewalk, refusing to step out onto the street.
all because of the fear i thought i settled a year ago.
... really its not a fear. its just... i can't place it. i think a part of me has become kinda down and oblivious not to mention complacent.

i need to realize that feelings are fickle.. i think i've come to a greater understanding of that now moreso than before. i know that through it all, truth stands, his Word stands. i just got lost in everything else.. i lost focus. i lost trust. just as pastor lo mentioned this week, i need to go to Him FIRST, not my devised plans, not thinking through the practicalities in my head before executing anything... but even before sitting down and getting started... i need to start with prayer! .... .. i just need a push to get me going again because i've been standing still for too long now. and i think i got that push. ... funny it was from the person i least expected... from david. thank you. i don't know how you did it without even knowing what i was thinking... but you re-lit this fire in me.


...

you who have been my shoulder to lean on...i'm really going to miss you when you leave. this past summer especially... i've been such a crybaby. which is funny . cuz i never cry. i never let things get to me.. or i never think about things long enough to understand the full depth of emotion it can release. its as if i have a blocker in my head to stop me from opening pandora's box, to stop me from feeling sadness. yet out of everyone in my life.. you've been the only one who has managed to open that box. ... its been nice just being able to sit next to you without even exchanging a single word.. yet feeling at peace .. because you already understand everything in my head and my heart.

...
anyways... i'm tired of drifting from day to day without ever moving forward. i'm tired of this complacency.. its driving me up the wall.
..but i am determined to keep on walking forward. Lord God, please help me. you know i'm a weak one.. you know i can be so easily hurt.. help me to cling onto you as you walk forward for the both of us..