so we have this Lifecourse Assignment thingy due on monday, and my brain is going through explosive diarrhea. everything i write is quite crappy lol. actually, maybe its writer's constipation, cuz nothings comin out.. :(
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today we had sunday school training from 10-3pm. before we left in the morning, i took some time to just rethink my sunday school experiences, my childhood experiences, and how HUGE it was for me to learn about Jesus' love. as a sunday school teacher, its too easy to slip into that zone of routine and you start to think that nothing you teach or say will actually make an impact, not an immediate one at least. but oh how wrong that is...

today i saw him. i saw him walk in and my heart stopped for a second. and then the moment passed and i walked away. i guess thats the way life is - things here and there will catch you out of nowhere and you pause for a second, but in the end you can't stay standing still forever, you just have to keep on moving forward.

unfortunately, this week has been one very long pause for me. i just wanted time to stop, and it did in a way. i hermited myself at home, and kind of became enveloped in some sort of state of self-pity while being immobilized by a complete sense of apathy. how sad. but thank God he pulled me out. Finally at the end of it all, i feel like i've found myself. for a second i thought i lost it when i became a child with no voice and no choice. but perhaps instead of seeing things from the bottom of this well, i ought to step out and see the greater picture. God's plan for me is not limited by anything. I ought to stop focusing on that which is not important in the grand scheme of things, even though its kinda hard to do.

thank you housemates. i've been an emotional ball this week. but i think i'm doing better..

I just finished reading Unbreakable, a biography of Steve Cattell, a criminal from Britain who broke free from the chains of addiction - his addiction being to crime.

2 things struck me from this book. (1) how REAL the power of prayer is (& persistance goes a long way). (2) churchianity blows...

Throughout the later part of Steve's life, a friend of his who was an ex-convict now turned born-again Christian, was praying long & hard for Steve. Not only just praying but also preaching and reaching out many arms, arms bearing truth of the gospel and a higher love who was asking him to repent his sins and become clean. He did this so much to the point where Steve kinda got sick of hearing it all, but despite that, those seeds were sown, and Steve at his breaking point decided that maybe just maybe his friend was saying something true and so he tried calling out to God in help. God answered. and through revelation upon revelation, Steve repented and committed his life fully to the work of the Lord.


"so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near." Acts 17:27 Msg


When Steve had become a new Christian, although he & his past lifestyle & current struggle were embraced by the pastor, still the whole congregation would keep him at a comfortable arm's distance from themselves. yes people would say hello and goodbye courteously, but beyond that, nothing. no one extended an arm to him, there were no invitations, and no interest in him & his story & life. he didn't speak Churchinese like the others, he was just different, and so he'd just be left out.. to the point where he'd go home and cry. A full grown man crying! not only that but a convict who had tried so hard his whole life to make his heart stone, to never let anything 'get to him', to not be riddled with emotions which were a sign of weakness; this was the same man who went to bed crying. wow, sad how we can be so cruel without even knowing it.. we try so hard to conform ourselves to Churchianity that we get scared whenever we see anything that's different from us. we forget about Christ and his unfailing love for all, especially for those who never fit into the cookie cutter mold of things.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children -- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. --psalm 103:8-12,17-18