ever wake up in the morning having that feeling in your heart that today is gonna be a great day? today was one of those days for me. I woke up early, as i often tend to do these days, the sun was dancing on my face and the drilling noises of the construction workers outside my window sounded like an old ancient drum song softly lulling me into consciousness.

as i was walking to my bus stop, i couldn't help but smile as i looked up to the great blue expanse above me with peeking green leaves shimmering through the sunrays. then to be greeted by birds chirping their hello's and squirrels hopping joyfully around going about their business for the day. how beautiful it is to see God's creation, to see God's beauty reflected onto this world :)

what a beautiful day it is today :)

Acts 17:1-15

To mirror the motivation and intensity of apostle Paul....

Paul had conviction; he had a sense of urgency towards the lost of this world, knowing that mankind is essentially doomed without faith in Jesus Christ. Not only that, but he had the knowledge that one day each Christian would have to stand before the Lord and recount his or her service to Him and the least of His sheep in the world he commanded us to take care of - the world where he asked us to 'go forth and make disciples' out of. Knowing his life was but a vapour, he chose to make the most out of all situations, he didn't hesitate for one second about his calling or his mission. Paul was persistent in his faith for our Father in heaven for it is a Christian's duty in life to obey and to please our Father, knowing that the onus of what we've done with our lives, whether it was a life holy and pleasing to our father or a life utterly abandoned to the sins of this world, is completely on us.

"So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade men. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience." - 2 Corinthians 5:9-11

Paul fully embraced God's leading, and fully abandoned the world in order to carry out his mission in life. He stepped out of comfort into the arms of the unknown, pushing himself further and further to expand the gospel, to expand His kingdom. However, these days, too often or not, we have become complacent. We have stopped caring with a sense of urgency.. I know I have. Remember the day when you first truly believed, when God revealed his majesty and his glory to you in full? I do. and the first thing I wanted to do was tell everyone. I remember we'd do brown-bag runs, where we'd hand out lunches to the homeless in Victoria. Back then, I wasn't afraid to talk about God. I wasn't afraid to go up to the least of His sheep. I only saw one thing when I'd go up to talk to the homeless... I'd see God's love for them. But somewhere along the road, I got cold. I stopped caring.

I say I yearn for so much more in this life of mine. But really, all I yearn for is to fulfill God's will in my own life. I am ready to follow you. I am ready to go where you will lead me.

...

Thought to ponder:

What are my God-given talents and gifts?
How can I use them to fulfill His calling for me?


but more importantly...


... what IS my calling???

2:52pm.

it just hit me.

this whole year, Pastor Lo has been focusing on Evangelism & Missions. After Pastor Teo came to speak at kcac, I felt renewed in my vision, yet here i am today lines blurred, boundaries diluted, paths broken..

wow. have you been trying to re-align my thoughts, re-align my steps through Pastor Lo?

what does it all mean.





...

word to reflect on:

persistence

I know you are sovereign over my life
I know you are Lord of ALL creation
I know I am yours and will always be called yours
I know you are my first and only true love in this world
I know where the spirit of the Lord is, there I will find peace and freedom

...

yet...

i'm still swirling in this foggy abyss... going nowhere.
and my feet are still glued to this boat, refusing to step out onto the roaring waves of the sea
and worst of all, i'm still chained by fear and doubt

...

i keep on procrastinating.
why?

cuz i'm afraid.

i'm so afraid.

..i'm all smiles and laughs only because i choose to block out reality... i choose not to think of what might or might not happen. and that is why i'm happy.

i'm afraid to talk to michael ... i know he'll want to know how exams went... the ritualistic stating of each course followed by each percentage i got.. all this while in the back of my mind michael's marks are being blared aloud and contrasted to mine like day and night..

i know where my worth is. I know I'm not defined by marks, nor should I feel like less of a person just cuz those numbers aren't where I had hoped for them to be..

but i can't help but feel down.. i can't help but feel a bit discouraged... i wanna just crawl into a corner and cry out WHY... why is it so hard for me? why can't i do well in school anymore? what happened.. it feels like somethings in my head.. blocking me.

i hate uncertainty.. yet i know it will be a best friend for me throughout life if i continue down this path.. letting it consume me.. letting it get to me.. so i guess i better learn now how to deal. but at this very moment... i just need to snap out of this false sense of security... this complacency based on zilch. i need to get a move on towards figuring this life of mine... i need to stop procrastinating.. everything seems so daunting, so terrifying and unaccomplishable only because i have no clue whats going on. i need to get back into the groove of things.. i need my gameplan again... i need to get back my game face ... and to stop with this pathetic whimpering

but... it feels so safe to be hiding in the corner with my face turned away from this world

...and from my life.