yesterday, i experienced what it meant to be part of the family of God
no matter what age, no matter what past, no matter who you are, you are accepted because we are all family, we are all one in the bond of His love. thank you for taking me in dear aunties. its so sad that i've always been so busy in the past not to notice what beautiful gems you are; how you both truly shine the light of our Lord. thank you.
at times i forget what my actions can mean to someone else. at times i forget that people have feelings. i know that sounds silly, but its true. I never once stop to think how others feel when i 'cop out' . i figure they have other things to do, not like their plans are contingent on mine.. i forget that everything i do has an impact on everyone else. i forget that i carry around God's name with every action, every word, every thought, every 'no-show' that i do ...
let your yes be yes and your no be no.
forgive me father for not being obedient to your word.
help me turn away from my old ways
22.6.07
torn away
you slip through the cracks
unnoticed
unwanted
uncared for.
gravity takes hold of you.
you fall
through that dark all-too-familiar hole
jagged and endless
closing your eyes
you cling to a thought
any thought.
something that will take your mind away
from the towering truth
the inevitable unrelenting truth.
you are falling
alone.
something catches at your feet,
a glimmer of hope streaming through
you look back
only to hear the mocking laughter.
emptiness.
embrace the cold.
embrace the nothing.
but.
you stop fighting
fists no longer clenched
eyes no longer shut
heart no longer closed.
it is now when you let go
you begin.
to feel the gentle warmth
dancing on your face
caressing each darkened contour
you begin,
to smell the sweet aroma
of familiarity teasing your senses
beckoning acknowledgment
you begin
to hear the lulling song
wrapping you in notes of love
twirling in and out
finally
you see
arms enfolding you
taking you in
lifting you up
you were blind to the strength that was not your own
to the love that held you
utterly.
for you are
utterly loved.
not for what you've done
not for who you think you are
not for anything
but simply
you are loved.
don't cry sweet girl.
you were never falling
you were never alone
for I was and will always be here.
unnoticed
unwanted
uncared for.
gravity takes hold of you.
you fall
through that dark all-too-familiar hole
jagged and endless
closing your eyes
you cling to a thought
any thought.
something that will take your mind away
from the towering truth
the inevitable unrelenting truth.
you are falling
alone.
something catches at your feet,
a glimmer of hope streaming through
you look back
only to hear the mocking laughter.
emptiness.
embrace the cold.
embrace the nothing.
but.
you stop fighting
fists no longer clenched
eyes no longer shut
heart no longer closed.
it is now when you let go
you begin.
to feel the gentle warmth
dancing on your face
caressing each darkened contour
you begin,
to smell the sweet aroma
of familiarity teasing your senses
beckoning acknowledgment
you begin
to hear the lulling song
wrapping you in notes of love
twirling in and out
finally
you see
arms enfolding you
taking you in
lifting you up
you were blind to the strength that was not your own
to the love that held you
utterly.
for you are
utterly loved.
not for what you've done
not for who you think you are
not for anything
but simply
you are loved.
don't cry sweet girl.
you were never falling
you were never alone
for I was and will always be here.
19.6.07
love.
we don't choose to love, we just love. God uses man to reveal to us a picture of what love means. we catch glimpses of it from those around us.
I think the greatest lesson anyone can ever teach you is the demonstration of what love means, of what sacrificial, enduring, and patient love truly is. Love hears the unspoken words, it understands the struggling heart, and continues to believe even when you yourself have given up. Throughout my life God has shown me that love comes in all shapes and sizes. From the newborn baby who utterly puts their trust in you, to the friend who bears her soul and breaks down with you, to the parents who are constantly supporting you even when you thought they disappeared, even to the grandmas and grandpas of the church family who take you in no questions asked. All these things which make you glow inside, all these things which were done without a second thought, all these things acted out of love.
Yesterday I was able to spend some time alone. I love sitting by the lake, breathing in the fragrant air, hearing the laughter of kids playing around me, the chirping of birds quarreling over a piece of fruit, feeling the slight breeze dancing over your body and weaving through your hair. You look up to see the great expanse of blue sky, you look out to see the shimmering diamond waters, you look down to see the playful green grass waving with the wind. and through all this beauty you let go of yourself. through all this beauty you surrender. you open yourself up and allow yourself to be taken over. where you can hear the unspoken words poking its way into your heart, where you are wrapped in His arms of love. the hardest thing for me is giving up control. of letting you in. i want you to come in. its just hard. but thank you for reminding me that I am a beloved child of yours. Teach me to love as I have been loved. to look beyond the glassy eyes, to hear the unspoken words, to understand where others are coming from. to love not just for the sake of loving, but to love because YOU are love and YOU are in me.
let me overflow.
...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...
how beautiful that Paul would sum it up as perfectly and simply as that.
we don't choose to love, we just love. God uses man to reveal to us a picture of what love means. we catch glimpses of it from those around us.
I think the greatest lesson anyone can ever teach you is the demonstration of what love means, of what sacrificial, enduring, and patient love truly is. Love hears the unspoken words, it understands the struggling heart, and continues to believe even when you yourself have given up. Throughout my life God has shown me that love comes in all shapes and sizes. From the newborn baby who utterly puts their trust in you, to the friend who bears her soul and breaks down with you, to the parents who are constantly supporting you even when you thought they disappeared, even to the grandmas and grandpas of the church family who take you in no questions asked. All these things which make you glow inside, all these things which were done without a second thought, all these things acted out of love.
Yesterday I was able to spend some time alone. I love sitting by the lake, breathing in the fragrant air, hearing the laughter of kids playing around me, the chirping of birds quarreling over a piece of fruit, feeling the slight breeze dancing over your body and weaving through your hair. You look up to see the great expanse of blue sky, you look out to see the shimmering diamond waters, you look down to see the playful green grass waving with the wind. and through all this beauty you let go of yourself. through all this beauty you surrender. you open yourself up and allow yourself to be taken over. where you can hear the unspoken words poking its way into your heart, where you are wrapped in His arms of love. the hardest thing for me is giving up control. of letting you in. i want you to come in. its just hard. but thank you for reminding me that I am a beloved child of yours. Teach me to love as I have been loved. to look beyond the glassy eyes, to hear the unspoken words, to understand where others are coming from. to love not just for the sake of loving, but to love because YOU are love and YOU are in me.
let me overflow.
...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...
how beautiful that Paul would sum it up as perfectly and simply as that.
18.6.07
so far, this past summer, i haven't moved an inch.
i've been... standing here on the sidewalk, refusing to step out onto the street.
all because of the fear i thought i settled a year ago.
... really its not a fear. its just... i can't place it. i think a part of me has become kinda down and oblivious not to mention complacent.
i need to realize that feelings are fickle.. i think i've come to a greater understanding of that now moreso than before. i know that through it all, truth stands, his Word stands. i just got lost in everything else.. i lost focus. i lost trust. just as pastor lo mentioned this week, i need to go to Him FIRST, not my devised plans, not thinking through the practicalities in my head before executing anything... but even before sitting down and getting started... i need to start with prayer! .... .. i just need a push to get me going again because i've been standing still for too long now. and i think i got that push. ... funny it was from the person i least expected... from david. thank you. i don't know how you did it without even knowing what i was thinking... but you re-lit this fire in me.
...
you who have been my shoulder to lean on...i'm really going to miss you when you leave. this past summer especially... i've been such a crybaby. which is funny . cuz i never cry. i never let things get to me.. or i never think about things long enough to understand the full depth of emotion it can release. its as if i have a blocker in my head to stop me from opening pandora's box, to stop me from feeling sadness. yet out of everyone in my life.. you've been the only one who has managed to open that box. ... its been nice just being able to sit next to you without even exchanging a single word.. yet feeling at peace .. because you already understand everything in my head and my heart.
...
anyways... i'm tired of drifting from day to day without ever moving forward. i'm tired of this complacency.. its driving me up the wall.
..but i am determined to keep on walking forward. Lord God, please help me. you know i'm a weak one.. you know i can be so easily hurt.. help me to cling onto you as you walk forward for the both of us..
i've been... standing here on the sidewalk, refusing to step out onto the street.
all because of the fear i thought i settled a year ago.
... really its not a fear. its just... i can't place it. i think a part of me has become kinda down and oblivious not to mention complacent.
i need to realize that feelings are fickle.. i think i've come to a greater understanding of that now moreso than before. i know that through it all, truth stands, his Word stands. i just got lost in everything else.. i lost focus. i lost trust. just as pastor lo mentioned this week, i need to go to Him FIRST, not my devised plans, not thinking through the practicalities in my head before executing anything... but even before sitting down and getting started... i need to start with prayer! .... .. i just need a push to get me going again because i've been standing still for too long now. and i think i got that push. ... funny it was from the person i least expected... from david. thank you. i don't know how you did it without even knowing what i was thinking... but you re-lit this fire in me.
...
you who have been my shoulder to lean on...i'm really going to miss you when you leave. this past summer especially... i've been such a crybaby. which is funny . cuz i never cry. i never let things get to me.. or i never think about things long enough to understand the full depth of emotion it can release. its as if i have a blocker in my head to stop me from opening pandora's box, to stop me from feeling sadness. yet out of everyone in my life.. you've been the only one who has managed to open that box. ... its been nice just being able to sit next to you without even exchanging a single word.. yet feeling at peace .. because you already understand everything in my head and my heart.
...
anyways... i'm tired of drifting from day to day without ever moving forward. i'm tired of this complacency.. its driving me up the wall.
..but i am determined to keep on walking forward. Lord God, please help me. you know i'm a weak one.. you know i can be so easily hurt.. help me to cling onto you as you walk forward for the both of us..
14.6.07
i love you.
you'll never know just how much you mean to me..
i know things never happen by chance. our paths crossed for a reason. i don't know why, but all i know is that i need you. you're the sister i always wished i could have..
even if you don't love you yet, know that for now, i'll love you for the both of us :)
I'm praying for you.
constantly.
you'll never know just how much you mean to me..
i know things never happen by chance. our paths crossed for a reason. i don't know why, but all i know is that i need you. you're the sister i always wished i could have..
even if you don't love you yet, know that for now, i'll love you for the both of us :)
I'm praying for you.
constantly.
10.6.07
God has huge plans for me and you.
We should expect great things because we believe and have faith in a great God.
The moment we lower our expectations, the moment we settle for less, we are in fact telling God to his face that we don't believe in His power and His strength. Now the real struggle is transmitting this head knowledge into practical application for life. Sure, it's easy enough to say "I expect great things because I have faith in a great God" but do we really mean what we say? ...do I really mean what I say? how sad that we'd lack faith in such a faithful Father, but its good to remember faith is all or nothing. at times it gets tough, but nonetheless, it is always there because the moment we accepted Jesus into our lives, the spirit descended and made its home upon us, helping us along when we ourselves are too weak to go any further. So yes, I believe in great things because I have a great Father. I know at times this belief wavers, I've experienced how the roots of my faith can be so shallow to be toppled by the slightest wind, but with time the roots grow until we become a deeply rooted tree. however this can only happen if we nurture ourselves through prayer, fasting, and reading & internally digesting His written word. Because it is through these things that we are reminded that our God truly is a Faithful God, a merciful Father, and our beloved Creator.
But just as Pastor Lo mentioned a couple sundays ago, if you can't even show faith and trust in the little things God gives you, then how can he use you for even greater things? So really, if you expect great things, then prove you can handle them by preparing yourself and living a life that is honourable, righteous and blameless among man and with God. Become that person you've always wanted to be. The secular world states that change is nearly impossible, but God is beyond the impossible. So believe, change, and see the fruits God will bring forth in your lives.
Lord, I believe. I believe in You because you are Great, You are Faithful, and you are eternal
We should expect great things because we believe and have faith in a great God.
The moment we lower our expectations, the moment we settle for less, we are in fact telling God to his face that we don't believe in His power and His strength. Now the real struggle is transmitting this head knowledge into practical application for life. Sure, it's easy enough to say "I expect great things because I have faith in a great God" but do we really mean what we say? ...do I really mean what I say? how sad that we'd lack faith in such a faithful Father, but its good to remember faith is all or nothing. at times it gets tough, but nonetheless, it is always there because the moment we accepted Jesus into our lives, the spirit descended and made its home upon us, helping us along when we ourselves are too weak to go any further. So yes, I believe in great things because I have a great Father. I know at times this belief wavers, I've experienced how the roots of my faith can be so shallow to be toppled by the slightest wind, but with time the roots grow until we become a deeply rooted tree. however this can only happen if we nurture ourselves through prayer, fasting, and reading & internally digesting His written word. Because it is through these things that we are reminded that our God truly is a Faithful God, a merciful Father, and our beloved Creator.
But just as Pastor Lo mentioned a couple sundays ago, if you can't even show faith and trust in the little things God gives you, then how can he use you for even greater things? So really, if you expect great things, then prove you can handle them by preparing yourself and living a life that is honourable, righteous and blameless among man and with God. Become that person you've always wanted to be. The secular world states that change is nearly impossible, but God is beyond the impossible. So believe, change, and see the fruits God will bring forth in your lives.
Lord, I believe. I believe in You because you are Great, You are Faithful, and you are eternal
5.6.07
it seems so simple.. and it is.
live a life that glorifies God.
in all we do, glorify Him, whether it be through our work, hobbies, relationships, friendships, the things we say, the actions we do, our character, even our mindless errands. its all for His glory.
yes, life is complicated. life is windy and uncertain. you can never see around the corner, but despite all this, despite the entangled mess that is life, it's so simple. it's always simple.
God loves us. therefore we love God.
that's it. that's all you ever need to know and all you ever need to do in life.
...Lord, I yearn for you more than ever...
live a life that glorifies God.
in all we do, glorify Him, whether it be through our work, hobbies, relationships, friendships, the things we say, the actions we do, our character, even our mindless errands. its all for His glory.
yes, life is complicated. life is windy and uncertain. you can never see around the corner, but despite all this, despite the entangled mess that is life, it's so simple. it's always simple.
God loves us. therefore we love God.
that's it. that's all you ever need to know and all you ever need to do in life.
...Lord, I yearn for you more than ever...
4.6.07
why are parents always so wise.
i remember when i was younger, all the things they'd say would fly right through my head. i'd absentmindedly say "yes" or "i know" when in fact, i had no clue what they meant behind the words they said. now, everytime i talk to them, i'm astounded as to how much depth of wisdom can be transferred in a simple statement. i never realized there'd be more to what they'd say than just the surface meaning, that i'd have to grasp a deeper understanding beneath the words... i listen, and i reflect on my own life, and then i wonder... when i'm older, will i ever be as wise as them? i hope so...
:) i told them to write all their words of wisdom into a book of some sort... they should publish it one of these days lol...
i remember when i was younger, all the things they'd say would fly right through my head. i'd absentmindedly say "yes" or "i know" when in fact, i had no clue what they meant behind the words they said. now, everytime i talk to them, i'm astounded as to how much depth of wisdom can be transferred in a simple statement. i never realized there'd be more to what they'd say than just the surface meaning, that i'd have to grasp a deeper understanding beneath the words... i listen, and i reflect on my own life, and then i wonder... when i'm older, will i ever be as wise as them? i hope so...
:) i told them to write all their words of wisdom into a book of some sort... they should publish it one of these days lol...
2.6.07
29.5.07
ever wake up in the morning having that feeling in your heart that today is gonna be a great day? today was one of those days for me. I woke up early, as i often tend to do these days, the sun was dancing on my face and the drilling noises of the construction workers outside my window sounded like an old ancient drum song softly lulling me into consciousness.
as i was walking to my bus stop, i couldn't help but smile as i looked up to the great blue expanse above me with peeking green leaves shimmering through the sunrays. then to be greeted by birds chirping their hello's and squirrels hopping joyfully around going about their business for the day. how beautiful it is to see God's creation, to see God's beauty reflected onto this world :)
what a beautiful day it is today :)
as i was walking to my bus stop, i couldn't help but smile as i looked up to the great blue expanse above me with peeking green leaves shimmering through the sunrays. then to be greeted by birds chirping their hello's and squirrels hopping joyfully around going about their business for the day. how beautiful it is to see God's creation, to see God's beauty reflected onto this world :)
what a beautiful day it is today :)
25.5.07
Acts 17:1-15
To mirror the motivation and intensity of apostle Paul....
Paul had conviction; he had a sense of urgency towards the lost of this world, knowing that mankind is essentially doomed without faith in Jesus Christ. Not only that, but he had the knowledge that one day each Christian would have to stand before the Lord and recount his or her service to Him and the least of His sheep in the world he commanded us to take care of - the world where he asked us to 'go forth and make disciples' out of. Knowing his life was but a vapour, he chose to make the most out of all situations, he didn't hesitate for one second about his calling or his mission. Paul was persistent in his faith for our Father in heaven for it is a Christian's duty in life to obey and to please our Father, knowing that the onus of what we've done with our lives, whether it was a life holy and pleasing to our father or a life utterly abandoned to the sins of this world, is completely on us.
Paul fully embraced God's leading, and fully abandoned the world in order to carry out his mission in life. He stepped out of comfort into the arms of the unknown, pushing himself further and further to expand the gospel, to expand His kingdom. However, these days, too often or not, we have become complacent. We have stopped caring with a sense of urgency.. I know I have. Remember the day when you first truly believed, when God revealed his majesty and his glory to you in full? I do. and the first thing I wanted to do was tell everyone. I remember we'd do brown-bag runs, where we'd hand out lunches to the homeless in Victoria. Back then, I wasn't afraid to talk about God. I wasn't afraid to go up to the least of His sheep. I only saw one thing when I'd go up to talk to the homeless... I'd see God's love for them. But somewhere along the road, I got cold. I stopped caring.
I say I yearn for so much more in this life of mine. But really, all I yearn for is to fulfill God's will in my own life. I am ready to follow you. I am ready to go where you will lead me.
...
Thought to ponder:
What are my God-given talents and gifts?
How can I use them to fulfill His calling for me?
but more importantly...
... what IS my calling???
24.5.07
2:52pm.
it just hit me.
this whole year, Pastor Lo has been focusing on Evangelism & Missions. After Pastor Teo came to speak at kcac, I felt renewed in my vision, yet here i am today lines blurred, boundaries diluted, paths broken..
wow. have you been trying to re-align my thoughts, re-align my steps through Pastor Lo?
what does it all mean.
...
word to reflect on:
persistence
it just hit me.
this whole year, Pastor Lo has been focusing on Evangelism & Missions. After Pastor Teo came to speak at kcac, I felt renewed in my vision, yet here i am today lines blurred, boundaries diluted, paths broken..
wow. have you been trying to re-align my thoughts, re-align my steps through Pastor Lo?
what does it all mean.
...
word to reflect on:
persistence
I know you are sovereign over my life
I know you are Lord of ALL creation
I know I am yours and will always be called yours
I know you are my first and only true love in this world
I know where the spirit of the Lord is, there I will find peace and freedom
...
yet...
i'm still swirling in this foggy abyss... going nowhere.
and my feet are still glued to this boat, refusing to step out onto the roaring waves of the sea
and worst of all, i'm still chained by fear and doubt
...
I know you are Lord of ALL creation
I know I am yours and will always be called yours
I know you are my first and only true love in this world
I know where the spirit of the Lord is, there I will find peace and freedom
...
yet...
i'm still swirling in this foggy abyss... going nowhere.
and my feet are still glued to this boat, refusing to step out onto the roaring waves of the sea
and worst of all, i'm still chained by fear and doubt
...
17.5.07
i keep on procrastinating.
why?
cuz i'm afraid.
i'm so afraid.
..i'm all smiles and laughs only because i choose to block out reality... i choose not to think of what might or might not happen. and that is why i'm happy.
i'm afraid to talk to michael ... i know he'll want to know how exams went... the ritualistic stating of each course followed by each percentage i got.. all this while in the back of my mind michael's marks are being blared aloud and contrasted to mine like day and night..
i know where my worth is. I know I'm not defined by marks, nor should I feel like less of a person just cuz those numbers aren't where I had hoped for them to be..
but i can't help but feel down.. i can't help but feel a bit discouraged... i wanna just crawl into a corner and cry out WHY... why is it so hard for me? why can't i do well in school anymore? what happened.. it feels like somethings in my head.. blocking me.
i hate uncertainty.. yet i know it will be a best friend for me throughout life if i continue down this path.. letting it consume me.. letting it get to me.. so i guess i better learn now how to deal. but at this very moment... i just need to snap out of this false sense of security... this complacency based on zilch. i need to get a move on towards figuring this life of mine... i need to stop procrastinating.. everything seems so daunting, so terrifying and unaccomplishable only because i have no clue whats going on. i need to get back into the groove of things.. i need my gameplan again... i need to get back my game face ... and to stop with this pathetic whimpering
but... it feels so safe to be hiding in the corner with my face turned away from this world
...and from my life.
why?
cuz i'm afraid.
i'm so afraid.
..i'm all smiles and laughs only because i choose to block out reality... i choose not to think of what might or might not happen. and that is why i'm happy.
i'm afraid to talk to michael ... i know he'll want to know how exams went... the ritualistic stating of each course followed by each percentage i got.. all this while in the back of my mind michael's marks are being blared aloud and contrasted to mine like day and night..
i know where my worth is. I know I'm not defined by marks, nor should I feel like less of a person just cuz those numbers aren't where I had hoped for them to be..
but i can't help but feel down.. i can't help but feel a bit discouraged... i wanna just crawl into a corner and cry out WHY... why is it so hard for me? why can't i do well in school anymore? what happened.. it feels like somethings in my head.. blocking me.
i hate uncertainty.. yet i know it will be a best friend for me throughout life if i continue down this path.. letting it consume me.. letting it get to me.. so i guess i better learn now how to deal. but at this very moment... i just need to snap out of this false sense of security... this complacency based on zilch. i need to get a move on towards figuring this life of mine... i need to stop procrastinating.. everything seems so daunting, so terrifying and unaccomplishable only because i have no clue whats going on. i need to get back into the groove of things.. i need my gameplan again... i need to get back my game face ... and to stop with this pathetic whimpering
but... it feels so safe to be hiding in the corner with my face turned away from this world
...and from my life.
25.4.07
difference reduction: psyc 220 . how do i achieve that goal-state? by what means will i reach the end? who do i most strive to be? and how do i get there from where i am right now. i can't wait for summer. i just need some time to think. i just need some time to spend with you and only you. lately i haven't been thinking too much. my brain has been fried ten times over, and even now it hurts to think of anything other than school. i'm a hollow shell of who i strive to be. i yearn for more in this world. i yearn for you God. take me back please? teach me to be more like you. please Lord have mercy on me. i jumped the gun didn't i? i think i did. there's waiting on the Lord for you. oh how silly i am. why do i always have to take things into my own hands? why is it that i don't have enough patience to wait on you..
18.4.07
i pray for forgiveness.
i pray for focus.
i'm sorry . i think for a second i forgot my identity.. why else would i say the things i say, or do the things i do?
why is it that i keep on walking down this same road.. why do i sway so easily when the slightest breeze flies by... why am i so squishy.... i hate being like this.. i hate this... i need to get off this cloud... i really do.. cuz its hurting my soul i think... i'm not seeing clearly...
yes things have changed.. but some things ought to not change... and yet... those things that aren't supposed to change ARE changing.. ..
i pray for focus.
i'm sorry . i think for a second i forgot my identity.. why else would i say the things i say, or do the things i do?
why is it that i keep on walking down this same road.. why do i sway so easily when the slightest breeze flies by... why am i so squishy.... i hate being like this.. i hate this... i need to get off this cloud... i really do.. cuz its hurting my soul i think... i'm not seeing clearly...
yes things have changed.. but some things ought to not change... and yet... those things that aren't supposed to change ARE changing.. ..
11.4.07
10.4.07
random
I'm sorry for not caring enough, for being so self-absorbed ..
I'm sorry for taking matters into my own hands. I'm sorry for losing focus..
I'm sorry for getting out of that boat only to climb back in..
do i have any regrets for this year? if i could do it all again what would i do?
i don't know if i would have done the same things.. i don't think i would have made the same decisions. but who cares what i would have done... its the past now.
i wish school wasn't so hard and scary. what am i even afraid of? bad marks? so what! God still has his plan for me.. but the thing is... i know i haven't tried my best... and like all decisions and all choices in life, i must face the consequences of that. .. even if it means bad marks.
..
.. i'm sorry for losing sight of you..
..
i miss music.
its weird... but i dunno why i'm so emotional.. maybe its this song..
listening to one of chopin's etudes... i started remembering the past... i love music. sitting on that piano was my refuge. where it would only be me and you. classical music is so beautiful.. it truly expresses the deepest yearnings of the soul... i want to get back to that time again... where i could play freely .. its like it was a period in my past that i can never return to ..
.... i'm not going to stop playing... after exams, i'm returning to the piano again... i hope.. but like always, technique and time holds me back ..
.....
..
..
why is it that i find it so hard to open up to people? its like i have a pride issue i need to get over.. a false pride about nothing...
when did things get so superficial again? i don't care about the silly things... i don't wanna hear about them... i wanna know how you really are doing... .. tell me... how can i be a better person... i need to be less self-absorbed...less prideful...
I'm sorry for taking matters into my own hands. I'm sorry for losing focus..
I'm sorry for getting out of that boat only to climb back in..
do i have any regrets for this year? if i could do it all again what would i do?
i don't know if i would have done the same things.. i don't think i would have made the same decisions. but who cares what i would have done... its the past now.
i wish school wasn't so hard and scary. what am i even afraid of? bad marks? so what! God still has his plan for me.. but the thing is... i know i haven't tried my best... and like all decisions and all choices in life, i must face the consequences of that. .. even if it means bad marks.
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.. i'm sorry for losing sight of you..
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i miss music.
its weird... but i dunno why i'm so emotional.. maybe its this song..
listening to one of chopin's etudes... i started remembering the past... i love music. sitting on that piano was my refuge. where it would only be me and you. classical music is so beautiful.. it truly expresses the deepest yearnings of the soul... i want to get back to that time again... where i could play freely .. its like it was a period in my past that i can never return to ..
.... i'm not going to stop playing... after exams, i'm returning to the piano again... i hope.. but like always, technique and time holds me back ..
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why is it that i find it so hard to open up to people? its like i have a pride issue i need to get over.. a false pride about nothing...
when did things get so superficial again? i don't care about the silly things... i don't wanna hear about them... i wanna know how you really are doing... .. tell me... how can i be a better person... i need to be less self-absorbed...less prideful...
25.2.07
i choose you. no turning back, no stopping, no hesitating... none of that anymore... because despite everything this world has to offer, i choose you. YOU! I choose YOU!!! how funny that i've tricked myself into believing that this world could actually give me all i want, give me peace, happinness, joy... but when i look closely, everything this world offers is nothing but dust, from dust we were born, and to dust we will become. and after everything has shattered, all I'm left with is you. and i realize now that you are the true treasure i've been searching for my whole life. it is you where all good comes from, it is you where i shall find rest. i lay broken and bare in your hands. cloak me with your everlasting righteousness. may i not be driven by emotions, but by truth. truth that stands and will stand eternally.
help me live out a life worthy of your name. there's such weight given to the name "Christian". i bear your name, your cross. i feel i'm so unworthy to be called a Christian. i'm so unworthy to be loved by you. and yet you do. why? how funny you are that you'd accept ME, you'd take me in all that i lack, in all my imperfections, you still choose me. but that isn't why i choose you. i don't choose you because you chose me, i choose you because i NEED you. because this life isn't worth living if i don't have you. because i can't live this life if you're not with me. all things fade with time. i too will fade, but you , you will always be bold and brilliant , you will always outshine the brightest star. you. you will always have my heart. i love you. i choose you. you and only you.
help me live out a life worthy of your name. there's such weight given to the name "Christian". i bear your name, your cross. i feel i'm so unworthy to be called a Christian. i'm so unworthy to be loved by you. and yet you do. why? how funny you are that you'd accept ME, you'd take me in all that i lack, in all my imperfections, you still choose me. but that isn't why i choose you. i don't choose you because you chose me, i choose you because i NEED you. because this life isn't worth living if i don't have you. because i can't live this life if you're not with me. all things fade with time. i too will fade, but you , you will always be bold and brilliant , you will always outshine the brightest star. you. you will always have my heart. i love you. i choose you. you and only you.
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