obsolete light.

everytime i look up i see beauty beyond imagination; i lift my hands and i fly to meet him. i feel the rush of wind run past my face, and brightness getting brighter to illuminate my path. and then i look behind me, and beauty disappears. i look behind me, and all this time i was chained down. still chained down to this cruel world. worse, i look up again, and beauty is gone. instead i see altars surrounding me, closing in on me. altars to false gods, false truths. and i see myself paying homage to them, bowing down to them. The beauty is no more, only false beauty groping at my neck, choking life out of me.

...

this is how i have lived my whole life. all this time, i felt like i was flying, yet in reality, i was drowning.. drowning in false hope. my whole life, i've put education, duty, and future before everything else, and unknowingly before God. would I be happy if the road i want to take so badly becomes a dead-end? How would I react? i hate it when people have expectations from you. when people have hope in you and your abilities. when people (especially people you look up to, or strive to be) are so certain you'll end up in destination C. i don't want to let them down. i don't want to let myself down.

...

Ironic how one of my favourite songs speaks exactly of what I've failed to do. Surrending All.


I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

Words and Music by Marc James/©2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

...

Lord, i so want to give up my future to you. I want to surrender my life's course to you and you alone. It's hard God. It's so hard to let go of the things i've embraced my whole life. Help me Lord. Help me to take it one day at a time.. etch those words from the song above into my heart.. and when future becomes present, may i be content with your will.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Galations 5:22-23

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Revelation 14:13 "And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them."

Matthew 21:19 "And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away."

Matthew 3:10 "And now also the axe is laid unto the root of the trees: therefore every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire."


The fruit of the Spirit is a gift from God. There are nine fruits mentioned in the fifth chapter of Galations. The fruit (singular) of the Spirit is the work of the Holy Spirit within us. It is not just something we can gain on our own. It is something we attain only by joining our lives to Christ, by loving Him, by imitating Him and by remaining close to Him. Although our works don't save us, Revelations 14:13 says they do follow us. What we do is important. How we act, the way we conduct ourselves on a day to day basis, reflects on the name of Christ if we call ourselves Christians. It's so important to build the nine fruits of the Spirit as solid as you can build them into your character and practice them in your everyday life. Bearing fruit was so important to Jesus that he put a curse on the fig tree that didn't bear fruit so that it couldn't bear any more figs and it withered up and died. Matthew 3:10 says every tree that doesn't bear good fruit would be cut down and burned.

...

Love - for me to accept everyone as they are, not to judge or make preconceptions before even meeting the person

Joy - for me to have continual joy through the Spirit, even when I'm in despair, even when I feel I've lost all

Patience - for me to step out of my shoes and understand how others think, how others feel; not to have such high expectations for people, but rather to accept what I'm given

Kindness - for me to not only take notice of those in need, but to ACT on it

Goodness - for me to be filled inside with the Holy Spirit and the Living Word, so that everything coming out of me is wholly and completely good like all that which comes from the Father

Faithfulness - for my faith to stand still and strong like the mountain, and not to wax and wane like the moon; for me to be deeply rooted in the Living Word and the Living God so that even if a hurricane comes I will still stand tall

Gentleness - for me to practice meekness; to be humble in the sight of God, not only that, but to be humble in the sight of man; not to be proud of anything, but to recognize all I have, all I can do, is because of God's grace

Self-control - for me to say No and act upon it; for me not to waste time with useless things, but to focus on that which is most important

...dreams...

Are dreams actually a manifestation of whats inside our heart? inside our subconscious? Today I took a nap after church, and I dreamt a long dream. It felt so real. I dreamt about something I never ever saw myself doing. And worst yet, I felt a part of that fictitious world.. i felt i belonged.. and i liked it.

It wasn't until my mom called when I awoke. Its as if she saved me from my dream. I was lost in this dark labyrinth of an other life until she called. Yet even though I was awake, I still remembered everything I dreamt about. And worse , the same stagnant feeling was with me. I awoke with that horrible feeling of emptiness, lost hope, hollowness. It was horrible. I don't think I like dreams anymore. They're when you're at your weakest. You have no control; all is let loose for the devil to toy with you.

God protect me please. Send your angels to guard my mind, my heart, my soul, my every being! Whether in the conscious world or the subconscious world, please Lord, protect me. I am weak, so incredibly weak without you. Lord, I know I'm crippled without your support, and I am nothing without your love. Please, embrace me with your love and grace that I may be made whole forever and eternity.
Amen.

...

Lord, my trust is in YOU and you ALONE!
Why? Because you are my refuge when I'm weak;
My shelter from the storm;
You've always wiped away my tears;
You've returned all my wasted years;
You're my Father and Healer when I'm broken,
You constantly bring peace to my madness, and comfort for my sadness;
Lord, you're my Fountain when I'm thirsty,
and you're my Lover every single time I feel lonely;
You're My God.
My Hayotzer.
My Avi HaKavod.
My Abba.

. and that is why I put my trust in You, Elohim of All time .

Worship

Most people go to church for what they can get out of it - whether it be to get something out of the music, or out of the sermon, or just to get blessed. However, the music and the sermon aren’t ends in themselves, they are but stimuli causing us to worship God.

We go to church to worship God, and that’s done by giving, not getting. We go to offer something to Him, not to receive from Him. There is blessing in giving, for it says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). So, worship is giving to God, not getting.

The common New Testament word for worship is [proskuneo], which means “to kiss toward, to bow down, to prostrate oneself.” The idea of worship is that one prostrates himself before a superior being with a sense of respect, awe, reverence, honor, and homage. In a Christian context, we simply apply this to God and prostrate ourselves before Him in respect and honor, paying Him the glory due His superior being.

Essentially, then, worship is giving - giving honor and respect to God. That is why we as Christians gather together on Sunday. We don’t gather to give respect to the preacher or those in the choir, we gather to give honour to God. The sermon and the music are just to be the stimuli that create the desire in our hearts to honor Him.

...

So today I led worship for the first time. I was extremely nervous - and even that is an understatement. When I'm singing, I feel free. I close my eyes, and its just Him and Me. When I sing, I don't feel eyes watching me, I don't feel as if I'm under a microscope. This is because the whole entire congregation sings as one voice, same words, same notes, same thoughts; we all blend in unison. However, when I pray or when I talk, I feel like all eyes are on me, or rather all ears are on me, and because of that nervousness creeps in, words become a jumble in my head, thoughts become cloudy, and I don't know what to say. You'd think that with 10+ years of music festival, stage fright would be wiped out of my dictionary, but nope. despite all those years, I felt the same stage fright I felt when I was 9 years old out on some big stage in some big university playing my tiny violin. It felt the same. Well not completely. But I was nervous today. I just pray with time, I'll get accustomed to leading. That I'll become more confidant in the words I say, and not let the congregation's hearing ears hinder me.

smooth to the max

As I was walking home today from the library, there were these 4 guys who were passing around a frisbee on Division . So guy #1 passes the frisbee to guy #2 who couldn't seem to get his hand around that flat disc, but lo and behold right behind him there's ME trekking along at my usual slow pace. So as I'm walking down that street listening to Jim Brickman on my mp3, I notice this disc flying at me, and I oh-so-smoothly raise my left hand and catch the thing! Yes, single-handedly! that oh-so-smooth catch was then followed by ooh's and aah's and yes, even clapping. I couldn't help but smile :)

...

It turns out this Sunday I'll be leading worship for the 1st time in my life. To be completely honest, I don't feel ready; if anything I feel scared and wholly insufficient for the role. I don't know the first thing about leading a congregation into God's presence, to assist them in TRUE worship - worship that is in spirit and truth, an offering of not just the words we sing, but of everything in our sole being which proclaims wholeheartedly the truths found in those lyrics - something that is beautiful and pleasing to God. Can I really do that? But then again, week after week when I help with worship, I'm 100% sure that is is by God's grace that I can play or sing. I know that without Him and the talents he's given me, I'd be nothing, I'd do nothing, and worst of all I'd feel nothing. So maybe leading worship aint that bad? Seeing as God will be with me through and through. And maybe this is just God's way of telling me to step up to the plate, to start training now in order to prepare for whats to come in the future. But still, I can't help but feel a tad bit apprehensive about Sunday... about not being able to step up to that oh-so-high plate..

not cool.

i hate hate hate awkward meetings. its just no fun. you feel like a lill helpless sheep about to be fed to the lions! you feel silly and out of place, like you just don't belong there. its especially worse when you're by yourself and the other 2 people are with their whole crew of friends whom you don't know... let alone not knowing those 2 people all that well to begin with. and then comes the forced conversation with all 7 of their crew listening in. your basic questions.. and then silence. awkward awkward awkward. i hate that feeling. its just not cool.

on another note today is 06/06/06 .. silly how there's so much hype about it. but i learned something new today. Apparently there's a Black Pope! (who is in essence the anti-Pope) The Black Pope, also known as Peter Gilmore, is the head of the Church of Satan. and believe it or not, the church of satan does NOT worship the devil. In fact they've got NOTHING to do with the satan as christians know him to be. Satan in hebrew means 'adversary' ... so in other words Satanism celebrates the atheistic view; they are anti-religion and hedonists! They believe in no form of deity or after-life. All they believe in is making the most out of their lives, living it to the fullest.. thats it. different from what you'd expect eh?

The big, the bad, and the ugly

Wow. So Kenneth E. Hagin, the author of those infamous Spiritual Growth Series, is a heretic. How scary is that? He's the 'father' of the so-called Word-Faith Movement (WFM)... teaching that Christians can essentially claim anything in the name of Jesus. its also known as the 'name-it, claim-it' doctrine... so in other words, UBER sketchiness! Yet there really is a thin and delicate line between what is Ungodly and what IS godly. So thin, that the majority of us commonfolk could easily be swayed or brought up via the 'heretic' way. Despite alarm bells ringing off when I was reading through his bible studies, if Jon hadn't informed me about Hagin today, I would've still been letting his words soak into my brain and into my heart! Scary to think I was that close to taking in something whose validity of authority and truth is in serious doubt; not to mention the huge question mark behind its authorship.

That "H" word is so incredibly charged. No one in their right mind would want to be tagged by that word. Yet at the same time those who deny it the most can also be the ones who are so blinded as to completely warp the word of God. They are usually the stubborn well-learned ones (maybe not so well-learned)... but rather those who get too accustomed to their own beliefs or interpretations of the Word; those who are so narrow-minded as to not see the other possibilities which may end up being the greater of the truths.

I don't believe a heretic does his or her 'thang' on purpose (with the exception of those certain few). if anything, its stubborness from turning their head towards the even greater truth. Seeing things in that light makes the picture seem quite daunting. For all we know, we OURselves could be the false prophets.. even with good intentions... but bottom line False Prophets! For example, take Hananiah in the book of Jeremiah. Scary to think he was so self-assured not to mention God-assured in his contradictory message from that of the prophet Jeremiah. Yet in the end, he was wrong and subsequently was "removed from the face of the Earth" and within that same year he "died because he preached rebellion against the Lord"

Another thing to mention is the heresy of Modalism. I didn't know it before, but I was always taught ever since i was a youngen to believe in the Trinity as each head having its own purpose. i.e. Holy Spirit ==> purpose in sanctification/conviction/empowerment.... Jesus ==> purpose in redemption..... Father ==> purpose in creation. Yet this is actually a heresy seeing as God exists as the triune God, each head in perfect communion with each other; so no restricting/limiting purposes to confine each figurehead of the Trinity.

Scary stuff eh? how easy it seems to cross over that line into the "H"-realm.

!! Happy Birthday Meiqi !!

girls definitely read into things way too deeply. well, most girls anyways. (and i think i fall into that category..)

on another note, today was meiqi's 20th birthday :)
we surprised her big time! everything was beautifully perfect. picture this: you open your door to find this dark hallway littered with balloons scattered here and there, and at the end, is a gorgeous chocolate cake, lit with 20 glowing candles. perfect eh? the funny and sad part was that we waited TWO WHOLE hours for her to come home!! we were all sitting on that couch taking turns as "lookout" aka watchdog post. twas some good times though! and great conversation too! for example, we were talking about homosexuality, nature vs nurture.. meiqi had a friend who worked in a lab with budgies, and APPARENTLY one can induce homosexuality on these birds. so, if a female budgie were in a cage with another female, they'd become lesbians... yet if those 2 same females were separated and put into another cage with a Male, then they'd become heterosexual. looking at that case, what does it say about humanity and sexuality? nature? are we born with the genes which writes off our sexuality? or.. are we nurtured in such a way as to promote our type of sexuality? interesting eh? are humans so impressionable as to have our essence - our sexuality - as a male or female to be shaped and molded by the media? literature? society?

something to think about..

Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself

Love your neighbour as yourself.

easier said than done.

earlier today, at the end of my morning jog, there were two old men by that wharf, maybe in their early 50s or late 40s. i believe they were homeless gentlemen, or lived in a shelter, carrying all their necessities on their backs. i was doing my devotions then, and one of them came up to me and asked for help. their radio wasn't working, and they wondered if i could fix it. so i tried, i really didn't mind at all. and after a lill while, it started working. then the guy (his name was Larry) went back to his friend. a few minutes later, his friend came up to me . now if i were a boy, i would have been less cautious.. but i started getting a bit creeped out. partly cuz i'm a girl, partly cuz these 2 guys honestly looked quite sketchy, and partly cuz i was in a pretty desolate area... so if i screamed there would be no one to hear me.

what especially triggered my worry? it was when the friend came up to me and said out of the blue that the guy named Larry had the "hots for me" . so alarm bells starting ringing, and i was freaking out inside. all i could think of was "GET OUT OF THERE QUICK" . Don't get into any trouble. RUN!

And then the friend introduced himself; he held his hand out to shake mine .. cuz well, its custom . and i honestly did not want to shake his hand. i hesitated for a split second, but i gave in afterwards. i mean, when you think about it, you'd be asking for more trouble if you took the other route. but the fact that i hesitated is saddening. something that stuck out in my mind was when the friend told me just before I left that they were good people, and that I had no reason to feel afraid or worried. this brought up 2 points in my head: (1) they could tell i was uncomfortable in that situation... so in other words, they knew i was judging them and making assumptions based on their appearances. (2) Jesus befriended the very least of us during his reign on Earth - meaning the beggars, the prostitutes, the lowest of the lows on the foodchain of mankind.

So if we are called to be like Jesus, if we are called to "love thy neighbor as thyself" why didn't i do it? i judged just like the Pharisees. there was no heart of understanding, compassion, or love. all i felt was fear, and all i wanted was to be done with them at the earliest possible moment. what kind of love am i showing there? ..it then got me thinking. what about charity? when we give to the poor --> wouldn't that action come from a heart of understanding, compassion and love? well, i say no. that sounds somewhat skeptical.. but charity is so incredibly impersonal. yes, you give to the poor, but you're not befriending them. you help them on more of a once-in-your-lifetime sort of deal - not expecting to ever see them again. but we're not called to do that. Jesus didn't do that. he's asking so much more from us. so much, that i doubt i can offer a portion of it.

if given this whole situation by the lake again, i'd do the exact same thing... or i might not have even gone there at all. i know my parents would definitely not have wanted me there; they probably don't ever want me jogging by myself anymore. it is one thing to show love ... but it is another to be naive to the point where you're endangering your own self. then the question still persists: what would Jesus do? and does that apply to my situation? especially seeing as he was a man, and i am still a girl. did i dissapoint my father in heaven today? i think i did. i know i did.

so my prayer is this: Lord teach me to love as you have loved. Allow me to be the salt and light of this world as you have called your people to be. Let me not be afraid, for you are with me, and you will protect me. Lord give me the strength and courage to see beyond the surface straight to the heart that is yearning for you. I pray all these things in your Son's most precious name, Amen.

데이지

My favourite flower: 데이지

i heart you music

i love music. i plain and simply love it. when you hear an earth shattering chord progression along with heart wrenching lyrics, your whole soul and being just soars above absolutely everything. its as if you're lifted up into the clouds of gravity defying heights. and you reach a euphoric peak where every thought, every thing, everyone just melts away. Music is the key to the lock of chains tying all of us down to Earth. Music unleashes the soul and frees the spirit.

some people say that Christians can only worship God in songs of praise only and only if there are lyrics. for without lyrics, there is nothing connecting the song to God. I disagree wholeheartedly. Music is a gift from God. that we are able to make beautiful (or even not so beautiful) sounds from within our body is a miracle in itself. if anything, i witness God's greatness when i hear classical music. many composers were religious. Take J.S. Bach for example who was a grounded Lutheran. He clearly saw God and was able to write what I think are God-inspired works of art. take his brandenburg concertos, or even the well-tempered clavier - there is such intellectual depth and artistic beauty that is almost divine. Same with Beethoven. At the age of 30, his hearing began to become impaired. imagine. he was unable to hear his own creations, he couldn't hear the chirping of birds or the rustling wind through trees. he heard nothing. silence. yet through all this time of trial he never ceased composing. Even on his death-bed he sketched a new symphony. from his Late piano sonatas to his 9th and last symphony mankind has witnessed his genius. a genius no man could ever tap. why? it was because in silence he had faith in God, and continued to compose in the midst of growing doubt. i truly believe Beethoven's greatest works were near the end of his life. this was when he began to see clearly through the originally fuzzy lens. he began to witness firsthand God's true glory. and it is this glory that he portrays in his music. no words can describe the beauty, the depth, the passion, the love, and the hope that is written in those seemingly lifeless black dots and lines on some flimsy manuscript paper.

music reaches the deepest pits of our very being. music is God's gift. it is his arms extending down to us, embracing us, speaking to us. music is the greatest gift we could ever ask for. . and i love music .

mush talk

there is no stronger earthly bond than family.

Thank you Daddy - You've always been my wall, supporting me, most of the times without my knowing.

Thank you Mommy - you're my emotional outlet; not only that you really are my best friend :)

Thank you Michael - i'm too dependant on you michael; you've always guided me in life. you've always encouraged me to strive for the best, to go for my dreams

Thank you David - whether you know it or not, you've taught me so much about life in general, about growing up, becoming an adult, and most of all you've taught me to never give up when things aren't going my way


and then there's one last member of our family :) the most important member of course:

Thank you GOD! - you hold this family within the palm of your hand. you've seen all of us through thick and thin. you've carried us through all sorrow and through all joy. Thank you God for being our ultimate father, our everlasting ruler and our all-knowing guide

i feel the walls closing in. i can't breathe anymore. it hurts just thinking about the past, the present, and the future. i can't see anything or focus.. all i see is a blank abyss of nothingness and hopelessness. is this my calling. God whats your plan for me? am i to go about it the tough route? it just hurts . it hurts so much. i feel disillusioned that all this really isn't happening. God, i know i must trust in you at all times and you will make my paths straight, but Lord, i can't help but feel torn away and abandoned. where are you? can't you just pick me up and push me along? and if you are, why can't i feel it? so i still float in these neverending, neverbeginning waters ... stagnant, placid, unmoving.. waiting.. just waiting ..

you're here

Somewhere in the silence I can hear your broken voice
Like a radio station fading out of range
Somewhere in the crowd from the corner of my eye
I thought that I could feel you walking by
And when I get this feeling like I am not so strong
I still can feel you with me
You've been there all along

Happy Mommy's Day

She is more than the beauty you see,
Unbelievable depths under her quiet dignity.

She is powerful, opinionated and firey,
She has always had the power to inspire me.

She exudes a calm like no one else I know,
Until the dam breaks and the raw emotions flow.

She is a teacher, a confidante, a friend like no other,
She is even greater than all these,

She is My Mother.

Happy Mother's Day Mommy ~

study study study.
4 more hours till i get on with the rest of my life.

Lacking Life

i miss you. i miss the way we used to talk about everything and anything. i miss being an open window to you. i miss praying with you and sharing with you the things that matter most to me. i miss being able to drop by whenever i want. i miss having meals together with you. i miss having you sleepover. i miss hearing you rant, or me ranting to you. i miss poking fun at you.

Thank You Mom!

Just getting off of the phone with my mom, I feel this warm glow in the pit of my stomach. I love my mom so much! She is the most amazing, most patient, most loving, and the kindest woman you could ever meet. If anything, she'd be the definition of selfless and self-sacrificing. All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my Mother! I can only wish to be half the woman she is when I grow up.

Thank you Mom for everything you've done for me and our family. Thank you for being the glue that ties us all together! Thank you for all your love and support through thick and thin! And Thank you for your thousands of prayers for me and our family!

Words of Encouragement

Dream big dreams for God.
Be the best you can for Him.
Don’t be afraid of taking risks.
Don’t settle for the inevitable, when you can believe for the impossible

Enjoy the journey!

Rejoice in the Lord Always!

Rejoice in the Lord Always!!

...

On Easter Sunday 2 days ago, the Kingston Chinese Alliance Church was stoned. Glass was shattered everywhere; Rocks were strewn here and there; and above all, there was a complete heartbroken and joyless silence, an unbearable silence that pervaded the entire church and all within it early that morning.

At first I was in utter shock and disbelief. Then sadness washed over me with the unbearable question of "Why?" Who would even think of doing that to a church? and on Easter Sunday of all days. First theft, now vandalism? Just like the shattered glass, my heart too was shattered for this world, and the faith I had in it. I always believed that we are ALL born as good people, and continue being good deep deep within, no matter how hard the exterior may seem. But that day, my faith in people was crushed. As I was picking up the shattered glass on the floor, the image of Jesus Christ battered, broken, and mutilated on the cross came to the forefront of my mind. Just as the church was physically broken, so was our Lord up on the cross: Physically, Mentally, and spiritually beaten. When I thought about it more, I honestly am no better than those who stoned the church. Each time I sin, Each time I turn the other way, Each time I am indifferent and uncaring, I have thrown a stone into the Church. Each sin is a cut on Christ's body; Each sin has nailed him on that cross.

Yet.. knowing that, we are all made new because of God's Love, and because of that we should rejoice! Our Lord has forgiven our sins yesterday, today, and forever. We are no longer chained to the world, but rather we are free to fly to Him the Most High.
The same Sunday, I had the honour to serve on the Worship Team. Every time I am up there, I feel close to you God. Each time I close my eyes, I'm in my room again, and its just me and you. no one else. I thank you Lord for putting in my heart the joy of singing to you. I can't wait until I'm in heaven with you Lord. I can't wait to sing songs to you day and night without any cracks, without any limiting ranges, and most of all without any fear of not sounding good enough for you. But Thank you God that I can rejoice in You through songs of praise! Hallelujah My Redeemer!

...

Rejoice in the Lord Always!!!