obsolete light.

everytime i look up i see beauty beyond imagination; i lift my hands and i fly to meet him. i feel the rush of wind run past my face, and brightness getting brighter to illuminate my path. and then i look behind me, and beauty disappears. i look behind me, and all this time i was chained down. still chained down to this cruel world. worse, i look up again, and beauty is gone. instead i see altars surrounding me, closing in on me. altars to false gods, false truths. and i see myself paying homage to them, bowing down to them. The beauty is no more, only false beauty groping at my neck, choking life out of me.

...

this is how i have lived my whole life. all this time, i felt like i was flying, yet in reality, i was drowning.. drowning in false hope. my whole life, i've put education, duty, and future before everything else, and unknowingly before God. would I be happy if the road i want to take so badly becomes a dead-end? How would I react? i hate it when people have expectations from you. when people have hope in you and your abilities. when people (especially people you look up to, or strive to be) are so certain you'll end up in destination C. i don't want to let them down. i don't want to let myself down.

...

Ironic how one of my favourite songs speaks exactly of what I've failed to do. Surrending All.


I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

Words and Music by Marc James/©2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

...

Lord, i so want to give up my future to you. I want to surrender my life's course to you and you alone. It's hard God. It's so hard to let go of the things i've embraced my whole life. Help me Lord. Help me to take it one day at a time.. etch those words from the song above into my heart.. and when future becomes present, may i be content with your will.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.