for me, it's always been hard to balance everything. i think i'm naturally predisposed as an all-or-nothing kind of person... but clearly i've gotta change that. at times i get so caught up in the things right in front of me, that i forget to see everything around me. this whole month has been exactly that. i've neglected everyone, including myself. and i'm sorry to you and to me and to everyone. the funny thing is i've been so caught up on trying to focus on NOT focusing... hmm lemme explain... earlier this month i came to some pretty drastic conclusions .. and cuz of those conclusions, i felt like there was a subconscious pull towards fulfilling them. and honestly, it spiralled me down. way down. i think worst of it all was that i forgot that God was beyond it all, i forgot to believe again that God was sovereign and merciful all along. i forgot to rely on him in helping me through all these conclusions. and because of that, i lost sight of everything and everyone. i'm surprised ppl haven't given up on me... i think maybe some have... i definitely have been mia this month. yes, part of it was due to internet not working for me at home.. and hence my being at stauffer till 2am every morning.... but more so it was part of myself trying to avoid the problem. i didn't want to think about it.. i didn't want to think about those conclusions anymore. i just wanted to live. and ironically cuz of that, i've been dying inside and out. dying to my friendships, dying to my God, dying to my parents, dying to myself. i just need time . i just need time with you God. to sort everything out. because everytime I'm with you, we talk about everything EXCEPT that. and really its the "that" that we really need to talk about before I can move on.
but for now, i gotta work/start on this essay due tomorrow at 5pm... ~25hrs to go..

"I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have "a world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten." - Oswald Chambers

ever feel like life is a spinning top? ya know.. those oldschool toys where it spins on its axis and balances on a point? its like any moment, it'll all fall... the slightest breeze or bump on the ground will topple it over... just like that.

so i've been sick these past few days... and it kinda sucks... well.. really sucks.
yesterday, i just couldn't stop coughing. my abs hurt so much. with each cough i dread how they are gonna hurt even more. this whole week, i've been feeling so weak.. mentally and physically. i'm just so drained from everything.. . but ... today is looking a bit better :)

i love my house.
last night i had the hardest time getting to sleep. i just couldn't stop coughing enough to lay my head to rest. i think i must've been coughing a lot, cuz i remember through my semi-consciousness that carolyn came into my room and started rubbing my back as i was coughing. and then there was viv who got me some real medicine, which actually worked! thank you :) and finally when i woke up today. i just felt like crap all over and i was ready to go to class and all. but joycie came downstairs and made me a hot cup of her lemon honey thing and then told me to go back to sleep right after. so i did! and i woke up now...12:26pm!! wow, i slept almost 12 hours . guess i really did need the sleep. i feel a lot better now. i'm still coughing a lot, my abs still hurt, my nose is still stuffed, and the sneezing is still endless... but mentally i'm doing better.. i don't feel like this blanket is still weighing my head down... i don't feel paralyzed. but ya, so i opened my gmail only to find that my 3 hour seminar class which i really dreaded going to was cancelled!! thank you GOD! i hate coughing in class. cuz even though you go to class, you're concentrating so hard on NOT coughing that you're not really listening to the teacher .. but yay, no class!

ok i'm gonna start my day now! hmm, maybe i shall make me some more of that honey lemon stuff :) yumm...

Prayer Request:
1. i had such an unsettling phone call last night.. not to mention major stomach cramps to top it off. it was as if my stomach felt the same way my mind was feeling. pain. why am i here? i'm here to study. but more importantly, i'm here to learn and to grow in ALL aspects of my life. but of course as usual, you both are always so much wiser than i. what do i do? please pray for my life. for direction. God, please help me clear this path i'm walking on. please help me look beyond all this uncertainty to the certainty of You... help me see the bigger picture of it all
Praise Report:
1. God you are so incredibly awesome! you've exceeded my prayers. i knew throughout it all you'd provide, i just didn't know you'd provide so quickly and so perfectly. so thank you a million times over for your faithfulness to KCAC.

2. Pastor Lo is too cool for words! He came by today to drop off moon cake!!! so clearly I'm a very happy girl today :)

3. thank you my dear friend for last night. for your prayer. you said some things i needed to hear...

i feel so broken at times. i feel like i don't know anything... and the fact that i'm so clueless forces me to trust you even more. its hard. its really hard. everything is just hard. and i wonder why its so hard for me. i just wish you'd come down now and take me to the place where you are.

please.

God, you are a faithful God. I know you always answer those who seek your face and so I am confident that you will provide workers for kcac. God won't you please impress on the congregation's hearts that this church is a living and breathing entity which is built upon and supported by EVERY SINGLE person who attends that church! just as the ligaments are present to support each and every bone of the body, so is each person who sits down in the church. WE are the church! NOT pastor Lo, not the leaders, but every person that walks in that door. We are not called to be bench-warmers; we are not called to come sunday after sunday without actively taking part in the body of Christ. at times i find myself disheartened at the lack of passion and fire. at times i just wish you would come down and shake our generation to the core! that you would shake us so hard we would be fearful to disobey your will. just like your parable of the talents. Lord, that we would not put our talents to waste, but we would use EVERYTHING you give us for your glory. may we not be that worthless servant you throw outside, into the darkness, where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.. but that we would do your will. why do we think so rationally when it comes to you? why are we so hesitant to serve you? why are we so wary to give you our time, our talent, our all. For a God who demands our TOTALITY in worship, who has ordered us to give up EVERYTHING to take up your cross... why do we think twice for you? forgive me Father, for not putting as much faith in you as I should have. Yes, I am disheartened.. but Lord I pray that you would send encouragement, that you would work in peoples' hearts TODAY and speak to them. let the sleeping hearts be awakened, and may we all arise and bring glory to your name.

Perfect Love

Do not fear (B)
Do not be weary (G#m)
For I will comfort you. (E F#)
Just keep on moving (B)
Keep on living (G#m)
For I will be here always. (E F#)
and when the dark clouds come and surround you in this life (E F#)
When it looks like hope is such a distant sight (G#m F#)
Please remember (G#m F# E)
Just remember (G#m F# E)

In perfect love there is no fear (B E G#m F#)
and my saving grace will draw you near (B E G#m F#)
and I will let my glory shine in you (B E G#m F#)
For my love, my love, my love (C#m B F#)
will be made complete in you. (E F# G#m)

1 John 4:12-18

I’m scared…
But there’s no room for fear in faith.
Keep walking, keep pushing, keep loving and living for Him and only Him.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:16-18

Stop living in fear. Stop living in doubt. For our chains were set free the moment Christ championed our hearts.

1. what great gift has God given you?
2. where does fear fit into the picture?
get up. walk. do great things. no regrets.

last night i dropped the ball.
God always provides you with 'divine appointments'
He gives you so many chances to show others His love

last night he gave me a chance, he left the door ajar.. and i kinda blew it. i was walking to Gavin's birthday and had just bought some stuff when I passed by a homeless lady sitting on the street. I stopped in the middle of the street about 2 meters from her. She must have thought I was some crazy lady just standing there. I was debating like mad in my head what to do. To keep on walking to gavin’s thing? Or to stop and talk to her? I just stood there like a silly girl, wondering what to do, and then my feet start moving away from her. I kept on walking forward…

… regrets. Don’t have them. ..Forgive me Father.

Ever have an emotion so overwhelming it almost brings you to tears? You can’t even describe what it is… friendship, understanding, warmth, security... all bubbling up from the past rolling into one huge overpowering nostalgic feeling of love. The fact that one phone call from you had me forcing these tears back last night… gosh I missed you so much, and I didn’t even know it. It’s been so long since we last talked. I’m sorry that I forgot about you. You’ll probably never read this, but I love you… so much.

I love you because you’ve always been my shoulder to laugh and cry on.
You’ve always acted so strong in front of me for the both of us
You were, are and forever will be someone I look up to and respect
You are someone always true to his word
Someone who inspires me to try harder
Who challenges me to think deeper
Someone who stood up for me and looked out for me
Who I know will always be there for me every time I fall…

I almost forgot you cared.
I almost forgot just how much I really loved you.

i love you leahcim

life is a constant struggle for perfection.
the most dangerous thing for a Christian is when we begin down the wide road marked for the self-righteous, thinking all along that we're 'safe'
..
God, thank you for bringing her to me. crazy timing that i'd bump into her at that moment... i guess you can expect nothing less, cuz your timing is always perfect.

To sinful patterns of behaviour that never get confronted and changed.
Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed --
Until weeks become months
And months turn into years,
And one day you're looking back on a life of
Deep intimate gut-wrenchingly honest conversations you never had;
Great bold prayers you never prayed,
Exhilarating risks you never took,
Sacrificial gifts you never offered
Lives you never touched,
And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,
And forgotten dreams,
And you realize there was a world of desperate need,
And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself --
You see the person you could have become but did not;
You never followed your calling.
You never got out of the boat.
- Gregg Levoy

.........................

why is it so tough to reach out to the homeless?
what a horrible feeling it is when you lend a helping hand only to be shunned
I can't even begin describe the look and the feeling that is burned into you
that look where you feel less than human
its as if you can hear their eyes saying 'who do you think you are'
every time I go out, I say the same prayer… "Lord, teach me to love"
and every time I go out, I feel so fruitless, so inadequate

God gives and takes away.. And then it dawns on you
that he gives so that it CAN be taken away
he gives so that you can have a heart that gives as abundantly as his
you could have easily been born into a life of poverty, where dignity becomes a distant friend
But God was gracious enough to provide for you so that you could provide for others.
I hate the corruption this world has in stupid divisions between socioeconomic status
I hate how people are judged according to the dollar sign attached to them
the coolest new technology, the latest fastest car, the abercrombie designer clothes
whats it all for in the end?
worst of all, I hate how I'm folly to it too at times
you look around and you're fed up with the way things work in this world
and then you look a little closer and you see that you're the problem

I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was so far away, but now I'm home
I once was blind, but now I see
I once was dead, but now I live
Now my life to you I give
Let my lifesong sing to you
Hallelujah
Thank you for life Lord. As I turn 21, I can say with full confidence I'm Yours, and that's all that matters. I'm satisfied & utterly content

there are moments, fleeting moments when i feel all air is being taken out of me. when i feel like i'm about to collapse. it hits you without forewarning and makes you gasp for air. you feel like everything around you is crumbling and that you are crumbling with it. ..and then you realize that this is reality. we live in a world where things fade in and out. nothing lasts forever except the hope and friendship we have in our Lord. So long as we keep seeking strength from our God we are forever renewed and rebuilt into a fortified structure that will never crumble for eternity. though everything else around us shatters into pieces, though our life-path becomes blurred and grey, though at times we feel like giving in and crumbling with everything else in this world, HE will be a stronghold. He will be our crutch to forever lean on. For it is NEVER by our own strength, but by His who will keep us standing when all the glitter and glam corrodes into non-existence.

...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Help me learn to love the way You have asked me to love. Help me to be satisfied with Your love alone and not to be so easily saddened or hurt from others for love is never self-seeking. Teach me to love how you love...

its 2:13am.
and it turns out we'll be catching the 3:15am bus to toronto.
CRAZY i tell you.

but i just wanted to write down these things before i forgot... things to remember... things to look back on... things to ponder

..

have you ever challenged God? or rather have you ever asked God to do a certain something to tell you which path to take, or what to think? well i did today. and now i think i'm playing with dangerous fire..

i want to be happy.
and i am happy now :)

Stand still and firm in the Lord
Do not waiver at the slightest breeze
Cling only to Him and His Word
Not to anything else,
Not even yourself.

...

walking home yesterday, i met a youth pastor from north carolina. we were talking about the state of Canada's Church. we were able to talk as if we knew each other longer than the few minutes we were talking for. he opened up so much... it makes you understand that we really are one in the bond of love. after that conversation before i left the bus, we were saying that no matter where we are, no matter what culture we come from, or what language we speak, we are all connected through His love, and thats the beauty of God's masterplan. through all the seeming differences that we as humans tend to focus on, really we're all the same. we all love, we all hurt, we all are born, and we all die.. really we're all just trying to make it through this life as best we can... leaning on each other for support.. and leaning on God for guidance as we walk through this very narrow tunnel leading to life beyond death.

life is simple. but it is only simple if we seek simplicity in complexity. its so easy to get caught up in the entangled web of life on Earth, but once we look beyond the gray clouds, then we can see the stars. life is hard. there's no doubt about that. but i think when you get to the core of things, life is only hard because we make it hard for ourselves. people seek love. people seek affirmation. people seek a sense of belonging. all these things we seek are in no way bad things.. but they are things that will never make us fully joyful. we need to seek God first and foremost because he is the only fountain of happiness we will ever drink from. Don't get lost in the complexities of life. Focus on the simplicity of God and his love for you, because in the end, thats all that matters in life.

i hate this.. i'm beginning to feel so restrained here in kingston. i just want to get out. its so frustrating at times.. how small this town is. you hear people say how they miss kingston cuz its so much more easier to live without all the complications/busyness that a big city brings. victoria, contrary to what most people think, is HUGE compared to here. you go downtown and there's so much life. i think i'm starting to miss home. i just miss familiarity. it feels like so many people are gone now.. i just wanna go .. i don't like being in kingston anymore.

but i guess God has a purpose for everything .. i know i'm glad i've gotten to know some friends at a whole new level. its surprising at times how many layers people have. its so enriching when you learn about all these different aspects a person may have.. really, people are just like onions :) its nice knowing that there's more to a person than the superficial. that a conversation can go beyond the mindless banter and actually hit those issues that pierce the core of our humanity..

or not.

i just.. really want to get out right now. maybe this is a passing phase. hopefully its a passing thing..

i'm so tired of this.. so tired in general. i think i'm gonna take a nap and dream. i like dreams.. things are so much simpler.. easier... nicer..

yesterday, i experienced what it meant to be part of the family of God
no matter what age, no matter what past, no matter who you are, you are accepted because we are all family, we are all one in the bond of His love. thank you for taking me in dear aunties. its so sad that i've always been so busy in the past not to notice what beautiful gems you are; how you both truly shine the light of our Lord. thank you.

at times i forget what my actions can mean to someone else. at times i forget that people have feelings. i know that sounds silly, but its true. I never once stop to think how others feel when i 'cop out' . i figure they have other things to do, not like their plans are contingent on mine.. i forget that everything i do has an impact on everyone else. i forget that i carry around God's name with every action, every word, every thought, every 'no-show' that i do ...

let your yes be yes and your no be no.

forgive me father for not being obedient to your word.

help me turn away from my old ways