?

i dunno how you do it,
but somehow someway you make me feel so insignificant,
like i don't matter,
like i'm never good enough,

maybe i'll just blame it on today.
maybe it's just a bad day for me.
maybe i'm just too sensitive about these things..

.

i miss you mommy..
i miss you daddy..

its been hard not being able to talk to you as often..

i miss you too michael & david..

thanks for looking out for me..

i hate phone plans, i hate cell phones, i'm sick of communicating through e-mail..

*sigh

unbounded mercy

Promises, heartless promises (F#m D)
I've made to You. (A E/G#)
Emptiness, in complete abyss (F#m D)
Without You, Lord without You. (A E)

I can't see, I can't breathe, without You. (Bm F#m Esus E)
I can't feel, I can't think, I need You. (Bm F#m Esus E)
And I'm torn up inside, (Bm)
Lord I've lived a lie. (A)
My heart is frozen, (C#m)
Stone cold and broken. (E)
I'm guilty and tried, (Bm)
Entangled in pride. (A)
Can You hear my cry, (C#m)
My silent cry? (E)

..and I sing: (E)
Lord have Mercy (F#m D)
On me, on me. (A E)
And Lord I am nothing, (F#m D)
But take me, please take me (A E)

Brokenness, only brokenness. (F#m D)
There's nothing now, but You. (A E/G#)
I turn to You, there's only You. (A E/G#)
Please save me Lord, please do. (A E)

I want to see, I want to breathe, with You. (Bm F#m Esus E )
I want to feel, I want to think, I need You. (Bm F#m Esus E)
And I'm begging you Lord, (Bm)
Am I spoken for? (A)
Can you save this child, (C#m)
This undeserving child? (E)
Is there grace for me, (Bm)
yes even for me? (A)
Lord hear my cry, (C#m)
my heartfelt cry. (E)

..and I sing: (E)
Lord show mercy, (F#m D)
On me, on me (A E)
And Lord I have nothing, (F#m D)
Yet you've taken me, you've taken me (A E)

And now I'm complete in You (A Bm)
And now I'm made whole in You (A/C# D)
And I'm renewed and alive (A)
Strengthened and revived (Bm )
Refined and Redignified in You (A/C# D)

I can see, and I can breathe, (Bm A/C#)
I can feel; Your grace is my seal. (D E)

Will You teach me your ways, (A)
To strengthen my faith. (D)
I will walk in your truths, (A/C#)
Uphold the good news. (E)
Lord my heart belongs to You, (A)
Only to You. (D)
My praises fill the sky, (A/C#)
Only for You! (E)

..and I'll proclaim: (E)
Lord you are merciful, (A E/G#)
To me, even me(F#m D)
Oh Lord, your grace is beautiful, (A E/G#)
It saved me, yes You saved me (F#m D)

i like my highschoolers..

thankful for those talks...

these past 3 weeks flew by so quickly. i was really sad when Joyce left kingston, i thought it would feel like eternity until she got back.. but at the same time, during these 3 weeks, i've learned so much, and am happy that everything happened the way it did. i've gotten to know a new brother in Christ. someone i sorta wishwashily knew before, but never really got to know. someone who has not only opened my eyes to truths time and time again, but has helped me through some mental bumps.

after tonight's talk, i've come to a conclusion. i've said it before, but now its going to be put into longterm action. for the next year at least, i'm going to swear off boys.. as in no thinking about anything that could be more than a friendship, no thinking about romance, no looking for love, no looking period. i want to be content with being single. and i will be content. not only that, but one day, probably not anytime soon, i'd want to have as much faith as to say to the Lord that I'd be happy being single for the rest of my life... to have that much trust in Him, to have that much love for Him and Him alone! So here's to the year of growing relationships solely as brothers and sisters in Christ, here's to a year of being whole in only you my Lord.

all along...

thank you Lord for knowing me, and yet loving me just the same.
that despite my not having the most eloquent speech, or the perfect words to describe what i want to say .. Lord you still understand me.. even through all my mumbles and grumbles. i could only laugh when it dawned on me as i was walking home tonite.. Lord you know me. you out of every single person i know in this world, you know me the best. i don't have to impress you Lord, i don't have to try so hard in front of you, i don't need to be someone i'm not.. because you understand me just as i am, you accept me just as i am, and most importantly, Lord you love me despite all my bruises and scars. out of everyone you know the deepest yearnings of my being, you know when my soul is crying out for help, when i am in need.. you really are my best friend.. how could i be so blind as to not truly understand that before?

.

Depth of Mercy! Can there be Mercy still reserved for me?
Can my God His wrath forbear? Me, the chief of sinners spare?

I have long with stood His grace, Long provoked Him to His face,
Would not hearken to His calls, Grieved Him by a thousand falls.

Jesus, answer from above: Is not all Thy nature love?
Wilt Thou not the wrong forget? Lo, I fall before Thy feet.

Lord, incline me to repent; Let me now my fall lament;
Deeply my revolt deplore; Weep, believe, and sin no more.

- Charles Wesley, 1707-1788


(. . .i'm wretched, so utterly wretched
wholly underserving of your grace
have mercy on your servant oh Lord
take pity on this deplorable sight. . . )

home sweet home

i was looking through some pictures .. and all i could think of was how much i miss home.. .. i miss victoria so much.. i wish i could leave everything right now and be home . there's a pit in my heart everytime i look at pictures from the past... knowing i can never go back.. not only that, but knowing that i won't be seeing them for so long.

.

my heart aches thinking about what is and isn't to come.

something beautiful..

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see
Give me reason to believe
Never leave me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine
It so easily defines me
Do you see it on my face?
And all I can think about
Is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

And I'm still fighting for the
Word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look
In your eyes, you'll stare right
Back down into something beautiful

matthew 5:13-14

it's foolish to think that being 'saved' is easy as pie, that it's simple becoming a Christian - ya know, all you have to do is say a quick prayer confessing your sins, and declaring Jesus as Lord and Saviour.

Looking at verses 13 and 14 of Matthew 5; we see that these 2 verses reach the pinnacle/climax of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. "Enter in the narrow gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be who go in that way; because narrow is the gate, and hard is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."

it all comes down to one word: CHOOSE

He's asking us to make the ultimate choice, to which path we'll take, to which destination we'll end up in: life or destruction. Seeing as his audience was made up of mainly Jews (believing Jews at that, among whom were the Pharisees), we know Jesus was not addressing the contrast between Christians and Pagans; rather, he was talking to 'Christians' alike! Both roads, the wide and the narrow, are marked as "The Way to Heaven" (i mean why would Satan mark the road to destruction as Hell? that wouldn't be tactful of him) .. So Jesus is contrasting between divine righteousness and human righteousness, as opposed to blatant unrighteousness. So what is Jesus calling us to do? well, he wants to bring us to that point where we realize that in our flesh, we are completely and utterly incapable of pleasing God. He wants us to be in desperation for him, with a broken spirit, meek and mournful. He wants us to cry out for righteousness from the one and only source that provides it, from God himself.

BUT.

its not just about that choice. often the fine print is overlooked. the fine print of 2 simple words: Follow Through

In order to enter the Kingdom we need to come on the terms Jesus described. to abandon our self-righteousness so we see ourselves as beggars in spirit (Matthew 5:3), mourning over our sin (Matthew 5:4), meek before a Holy God (Matthew 5:5), and hungering and thirsting for righteousness (Matthew 5:6). God wants us to strive wholeheartedly to enter that narrow gate as it says in Luke 13:24 "Strive to enter through the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able"

The word 'Strive' is the Greek word agonizomai, which means "to agonize." This word is used in 1Corinthians 9:25 to speak of the athlete who agonizes to win a victory. Not only that, but looking at 1 Timothy 6:12 it says "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

The Kingdom is for those who seek it with all their hearts; its for those who agonize to enter it; for those who mourn in meekness, hunger and thirst for righteousness, and long for God to change their lives. He wants us to be utterly dependant solely on Him. ya, to be as dependant as a child is.. as in Matthew 18:3.

Our generation has become an age of laziness. we're a generation who always looks for those quick-fixes, those instant-everything's. But when it concerns salvation, we canNOT be lazy. there is no quick-fix, as in, one cannot expect to be saved and on that path to life just because he or she believes and prays. granted there is nothing wrong with believing and praying, but those things in itself do not guaruntee salvation.. for even the Devil believes, and what about the Pharisees! Verses 13 & 14 of Matthew 5 is incredibly scary when you think about it. Many many 'christians' believe they're on that road to life, yet as Jesus points out, many seek and few will find... many will be deceived and enter that broad road labelled "The True Way to Heaven" when all along they're headed to destruction.

so words to myself as a reminder.. Beware . continually understand that I am nothing, absolutely nothing.. and only through my Father am i made into something......

drummergal

I forget who i was talking to, but a conversation popped up where we were debating the hottest/coolest/(dare-i-say)sexiest instrument known to man. apparently for many, the saxophone (i.e. the saxomaphone) is pretty high up there on the 'hot' list. but for me, just give me someone who plays the guitar or drums, and i'm good right there! I think i look up to all those who play these instruments mainly cuz i've always wanted to play them myself.. but never really got around to doing so. that was of course until i learned to play the drums as of late!! today was my debut as drummergal on the worship team. to be perfectly honest, there were a whole lotta extra-beats, lost-beats, wrong-beats, and the occasional right beats here and there, not only that, but apparently my timing was as if i was doing the 100m dash to the finish line or something. quite the sporadic drummer, yet Lily was convinced I'd been drumming my whole life :) --> cool

but ya, my goal is to become a stable drummer so that come september i'll be able to fill in here and there. since Aaron is leaving kcac, we'll be down with only 1 drummer.. and even that drummer might not be here in the fall. we'll see how God's plan unfolds, but it never hurts to be prepared, to oil up the lamp and get ready for night.

i love you.

what do those 3 seemingly simple words actually signify? how much do i really mean everytime i utter that phrase? how much of my heart is really in it? as it says in matthew 5, let your yes be yes, and your no be no... so every single thing that comes out of my mouth needs to be packed with promise, intent, and integrity. How can one go about using "I love you" so freely when in their hearts they truly don't care. this phrase has become so overused in our world that its true meaning is callused and lost in a sea of oblivion. I too can be grouped into this bunch of hardened hearts. do i love when i say i love? am i there for him or her when help is needed? would i drop everything for the sake of this person? do i care as much as i say i do?

... the thing i realized as of late is that NO person on earth can ever ever EVER say 'I Love You' unless he or she has experienced continual Love - Perfect love - that from God our Father in Heaven. I bold continual because that word is CRUCIAL to Christians, to us.. to me.. yes, Christians have all experienced God's love one time or another throughout their lives. But it's that moment where it hits you, that moment where suddenly the storm clouds lift and the sun peaks through, its that epiphany that transforms your life for eternity. Ya, its at that moment where we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Saviour because of the love we experienced firsthand from him. Do you remember the feeling? not only that but the true understanding that came with the feeling -- the understanding of how HUGE his love was for us, that all we could do was overflow with his love, and spill it to all those around us. God doesn't want us to reflect his love, he wants us to overflow with his love, like lava bursting out from a volcanoe, consuming and covering all that it comes in contact with. so how then can we love if we are not replenished by the ultimate source of love? if we do not experience his love continually, our love consequently will dry out like the famine-stricken land - cracked, dead. We hear it time and time again: We love because God first Loved Us. It is that continual returning to the cross day-in day-out, not only that but even every single minute of each hour, where we are open to receive what he has to say to us, open to receive the love he so freely gives.. then will we be able to say "I love you" with true, pure, and perfect meaning.

ya i guess this is just a reminder to myself by putting my thoughts down into words. a reminder not to cheapen my Father's love for me by using that oh-so-often-used-phrase "I Love You" without backed meaning.

Nothing but the truth.

I was listening to John MacArthur earlier today, and some of the things he said really sparked my interest! One of his talks "The Doctrine of Scripture" speaks on the validity of the claims of God's Word. Two points I especially took notice of was how science and prophecy testify the truth of the Word.

Testimony of Science

Hydrology

Hydrology is the branch of science that studies the waters of the earth. In the hydrologic cycle, water evaporates into the atmosphere and is redeposited onto the earth in the form of rain or snow. That precipitation feeds rivers, which flow into the ocean. Evaporation from the ocean forms clouds, from which precipitation falls on the land, and the cycle repeats itself.

The science of hydrology was founded in the seventeenth century by Mariotte, Perrault, and Halley, but the hydrologic cycle is clearly described in Scripture:

1. Ecclesiastes 1:7--"All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full." (That's because of the hydrologic cycle)

2. Job 36:27-28--"He [God] draws up the drops of water, they distill rain from the mist, which the clouds pour down, they drip upon man abundantly" (NASB).

3. Psalm 135:7--"He causeth the vapors to ascend from the ends of the earth; he maketh lightnings for the rain." (This verse speaks of evaporation and precipitation)

4. Job 26:8--"He bindeth up the waters in his thick clouds; and the cloud is not torn under them." (This verse speaks of the formation of clouds by condensation)

Astronomy

In Psalm 19:6, the psalmist refers to the sun when saying "His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it; and there is nothing hidden from the heat thereof." Long ago it was thought that the sun was stationary, yet it is now known that the sun, along with other stars in our galaxy revolve around the center of the galaxy. Astronomy books currently teach that the sun completes one such circuit every 250 million years! God knew this before we did because he created this world and the universe we live in.

Looking at Job 26:7, it says "He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing" Already, God talks about gravity in the Bible! This in itself is a huge testimony for the validity of the Word! Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity, the Hindu taught that the earth was balanced on the back of an elephant that rested on the back of a turtle. Other pagans, such as the Greeks, believed that the mythical Atlas carried the earth on his shoulders. Yet 4000 years ago, the oldest Book in the Bible recorded that the “earth hangs upon nothing.” Just a century ago, scientists believed that the earth was supported by some kind of ether. Today, scientists must admit that Job was correct. The earth does indeed “hang” and even travel through the emptiness of space.

Testimony of Prophecy

Destruction of Nineveh

In Nahum it states that Nineveh will be destroyed by a flood. Nineveh was one massive city with a 100ft. high and 50ft. thick inner wall, with 15 gates and a 150ft. wide moat, not to mention a 7 mile circumference. Massively Huge eh? In 663 B.C., 51 years after Nahum prophesied, the city was no more. Not only that, but the destruction of Nineveh coaligns with "Ab" which was the rainy month. To add, there exists a stratum of pebbles and sand around the site that verfies Nineveh was flooded out. Amazing to say the least!

happy daddy's day!

What Makes a Dad:

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,

He called it ... Dad


...

Thank you Daddy for always seeing me through every single thing i do. it seems like time and time again, you've always been there to pick me up. you find a way to inspire and encourage me to never give up, to tough it out.

I miss you and mom so much. i hate not being able to talk to you as often as before. phone plans are just silly silly. especially mine. But Daddy? I just wanted to say that I miss you TONS, i miss your soothing hugs, i miss your yummy yummy food =P i miss talking to you about nothing and everything, i miss.. well, i just miss you.

Love you Daddy!
Happy Father's Day!

priviledged prayer

this is really random, but God, i just want to thank you for the gift of prayer. I thank you Lord for those 3 precious words: In Jesus' Name

That in itself is such a powerful statement, and Lord I am grateful to be able to utter it. Ya, because it really is a gift from you to me, teach me not to take prayer for granted God. Teach me to fully realize the weight that is carried with those words. To understand the consequences of my sins, and the grace You had for me and all of humanity.. . All so that I and everyone who is reaching out to you can have the priviledge to talk to you, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Elohim of All Time.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

the new & improved Charlies' Angels?

Gangstas from da hood! ..hmm, maybe the sesame street hood?

yum yum! Lamb Korma & Shrimp Phatia --> Delicious to the max!

Dinner at Curry Original: Angela, Cat, Tash, and me