happy easter

thank you thank you thank you Lord!!

I don't know how, but You've lifted up my spirits and have taken away this cloud.

This easter weekend has been so rejuvenating for me! was a much needed break from the hospital and from school. there's nothing better than taking some time out to reflect and catchup on non-mediciney reading :) was filled with eating the Word & finishing half-read books, and basking in His creation. Yay for living near a beautiful park.. its a blessing even if at times i wish there was an ocean or mountain in arms reach :p

Over this weekend its been good reflecting on what Jesus' death & resurrection mean to me. I can't even describe the feeling. its more than joy, more than thankfulness.. its like this warm filling feeling that envelops every bit of you. the feeling that you are so dearly immensely loved despite being so unlovable, that you are someone God of all creation wants back into His family, so much that He'd give up everything for you, give up His most precious Son for you.

And more than that, for the Son to willingly accept death, shame, excruciating pain, and the burden of the world's sin past present future, even bearing separation from His Father as He willingly accepted death on the cross because of His great love for us. That's craziness. It's something that can't be explained away, just doesn't make sense. And that's whats so powerful about this. Plus the fact that the story doesn't end there.

Jesus conquered death and is alive! and in so doing, He conquers death for us and we become alive in Him! Not just so that we no longer have to face eternity apart from the Father, but that here on earth we have relationship, we have closeness and access to Him through Jesus. That He no longer sees me in all my shortcomings and failings time and time again... but sees Christ's perfection blanketing over me. i realize more so now than when i was a younger christian just how sinful and undeserving I am ... how hopeless it would be if Christ never took my penalty. And so for me, Jesus' death & resurrection means hope! hope for eternity with the Father & hope for now , that He's working to change me bit by bit, till I reflect Him. Praying He keep on cleaning out the house of my heart, to sweep away the dust of sin that's piled without me even realizing.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" -- 1 Peter 1:3

i hate having that feeling of a cloud looming over you... the cloud of things to do

i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment

gotta study for step1
gotta push forward this rather stagnant project of mine
gotta get through med rotation, there's so much to learn!
gotta start on that list of errands to do...i need a day off, things close too early here

ok. i guess there's no better way to get a move on than actually moving instead of being paralyzed under this cloud of 'to-do' . although i can't help but think how silly it is to be busy.. and for what. i guess its more a means to an end at this point.

church

taken from a friend's blog post, a quote from A.B. Simpson, the founder of C&MA (Christian & Missionary Alliance). What a great reminder!! There's so much meaning backed behind the idea of 'church.'.. but hoping it not just stay as an idea, rather praying for the reality. I love weaving through the different ideas & thoughts that swirl in my head, envisioning a what-can-be versus a what-is-for-now. oh the possibilities... but then reality of time-constraints, man-power constraints, $$-constraints... so many constraints settle in and choke out the urge, the passion, the will to see change. Oh but to see beyond the mountains, and focus on the One whom the mountains bow down to. To remember again that with Him the impossible is made into a reality.

"He is showing us the plan for a Christian church that is much more than an association of congenial friends to listen once a week to an intellectual discourse and musical entertainment and carry on by proxy a mechanism of Christian work; but rather a church that can be at once the mother and home of every form of help and blessing which Jesus came to give to lost and suffering men, the birthplace and the home of souls, the fountain of healing and cleansing, the sheltering home for the orphan and distressed, the school for the culture and training of God's children, the armory where they are equipped for the battle of the Lord and the army which fights those battles in His name. Such a center of population in this sad and sinful world!"

-- A. B Simpson, A Larger Christian Life p. 153

2nd week in...

this will be the 2nd week i've been in hospital for med rotation. there's so much going on each day. every day is a busy day. and although i find it fascinating intellectually in that i'm seeing lots and learning lots, at the same time my heart has been taking a beating. it doesn't take long to notice that the hospital is a very busy jungle. seems like a luxury to dwell a little bit longer in conversation & care with patients. with the huge time-crunch of marathon ward-rounds and just plain getting things done, there's been no room for anything else. so much sickness & sadness, and so little time to care.

there've been many times when patients would break down in tears from the weight of everything thats been happening, and all the while everyone would be thinking 'oh no, we've got no time for this.' What a horrible thought. but also learning why people think like this. That by spending more time with one patient, it means spending less time with another. Looking at my reg, she shows compassion & warmth where she can, and still balances the reality of the time-crunch. so i'm starting to realize maybe its more a matter of learning how to switch on & off between patients, and learning how to be most efficient with the little time that's given. being in the moment when the moment requires, and as soon as that moment passes, switching that off and focusing on the next task at hand. not heartless, but practical. ..or maybe this is me becoming more cynical

personally i find it rather difficult to switch off, i can't help but linger on a situation and try to find some sort of resolution. i'm learning quick though that more often than not there are no easy answers, no quick fixes. Each patient has a myriad of complex issues to be addressed. to imagine carrying over each patients' issues and dwelling on them all... would ultimately lead to brain combustion! which is why i've been super amazed at what the allied health team does. that no tear shed is forgotten. underlying reasons for everything will be sought and resolved. and that before discharging anyone, the team makes sure they're good to go & well-supported to cope in post-hospital life.

all in all, i'm really loving medicine. so thankful He's placed me here to learn... it's busy, but it's good.

blessed are they...

Rendition on the Beatitudes taken from Matthew 5 .. dueling sides from the Bible vs. today's modern take

listening to this made me realize again how controversial & seemingly nonsensical Jesus is in what He says. its completely opposite from how the world would have it. its crazy how sin has a way of blinding us so completely that what seems right or wise or 'the good way to go" is so far-off from the truth as found in the Bible.

as i was listening i noticed the laughter going on in the background, i too joined in with laughter at some of the things said which seemed absurdly ridiculous, but when taking a step back couldn't help but think of the many times past & present where i've lived by the 'modern code.' how its all but too easy to think myself blessed to be in comfort, to have all my needs met... being self-sufficient to the point of self-reliant, to not be troubled by the atrocities going on in the world.. being numbed to the point that i say "It's just how life is".. and hence not fighting or praying for change!

But thank God for His grace, that though I sin far too easily, though at times the order of things gets topsy turvy in my head, He is patient with me, brings to my attention the things i ought to work on and the things His Spirit works in me to change! Reading through the real beatitudes is so comforting. reminded me of times when i clung to these few sentences as if they were precious gems.. and oh how they are! shining truths amongst deceptive lies the world weaves into our heads.

adversity

"Every adversity that comes across our path, whether large or small, is intended to help us grow in some way. If it were not beneficial, God would not allow it or send it, “For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men” (Lamentations 3:33). God does not delight in our sufferings. He brings only that which is necessary, but He does not shrink from that which will help us grow."

-- Jerry Bridges

Gal1:6-2:10

Listening to John Piper speak on Galations 1:6-2:10. I'm blown away by Paul and his rock-solid steadfastness in remaining true to Christ's teaching. That it is a gospel of justification by grace alone through faith alone on the basis of Christ's blood & righteousness alone to the glory of God alone. There is no compromise. He did not yield in submission even for a moment, so that the truth of the gospel would be preserved (2:5). And after meeting with the apostles and being received by them (thank God! otherwise the church would not exist to this day as we know it), they are reminded before they are sent out to the Gentiles to remember the poor (2:10).

some facts:::

• 85% of the poorest of the poor are in the 10/40 window
  
• 95% of the least reached people are in the 10/40 window
  

These figures disturb me. lost people = poor people...

There are 3 groups/'callings' in which we can slot ourselves in..

1. one who goes
2. one who sends
3. one who is disobedient
   

.. where am I?

We read how the poor is so intimately entwined with Jesus' ministry, and its interesting how the poor often seems to be linked with being unreached (lost ppl = poor ppl). Jesus consistently gave special care over those on the fringes of society, who were oppressed and physically & economically disadvantaged. He emphasizes this kind of generosity and concern for the poor to his disciples. And in turn they remind Paul of this too as he's sent to preach to the Gentiles...not that he needed reminding, since he was already so eager to do it (2:10). But same goes for Christians, for myself. For a compassionate heart stems out naturally from one who has received forgiveness through the blood of Christ. There is such a yearning in my heart to reach the unreached, to go alongside the poor, and yet I cower or perhaps overfill and crowd out any time in my day-to-day schedule. I cover this yearning up with busyness. And busy for what? ... ah. The biggest conclusion I can make is that I'm in need of much prayer. Direct my steps, and by your grace open a way for me to go. Send me!

"This life therefore is not righteousness but growth in righteousness; not health but healing; not being but becoming; not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it. The process is not finished, but it is going on. This is not the end, but it is the road. All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified."

–Martin Luther

memorizing scripture

powerful & convicting...



(3:00-3:52) "Memorizing scripture provides the matrix for fellowship with Jesus because He talks to me here and nowhere else. But oh sweetly, powerfully, authentically, really speaks to me here. And then I speak back to Him in prayer. And if this is here, we can talk anywhere. It is sweet. It is very sweet."
-- John Piper

"The word, stored in the heart, provides a mental depository for the Holy Spirit to use to mediate His grace to us, whatever our need for grace might be"
-- Jerry Bridges

"The challenge before us then is not merely to do what God says because He is God, but to desire what God says because He is good. The challenge is not merely to pursue righteousness, but to prefer righteousness. The challenge is to get up in the morning and prayerfully meditate on the Scriptures until we experience joy and peace in believing "the precious and very great promises" of God (Rom15:13, 2Pet1:4). With this joy set before us the commandments of God will not be burdensome (1John5:3) and the compensation of sin will appear too brief and too shallow to lure us"

-- John Piper

i yearn to be wholly wholly wholly dependent, reliant and centered on You and You alone. no person, accomplishment or thing in this world will ever be able to satisfy my inner yearnings and desires. You oh Lord quench my deepest thirst, fill my innermost longings and hear my inaudible cries. You get me. You completely get me. without even uttering a single word, You understand, and more than that You speak living words into my life without my even asking, you breathe peace into my lungs and overfill my heart with the love that flows from Yours. You get me, You rescued me, You love me. me in my entirety, not just the best of me, but ALL of me. me, a sinner. me, who rightfully deserved death in body & spirit. me, so insignificant and unclean it'd be unthinkable for You to come close. You are God. i am but a wretched vapor of a sinner.How glorious Your grace to bend down to my level, pick me up and embrace me with open arms that I might come into relationship with You. I'm reminded again how glorious, how undeserving, how beautifully fathomless Your grace poured out on us is.

aborted@10weeks

"For myself, the power of the photograph is precisely that it is the reminder that I need that defending the unborn is not simply “a cause”, or an “issue”, because people are not causes or issues, they are unique, unrepeatable human beings that I have a relationship with simply because we both share our human dignity, and it is simply because of that, that I have an obligation to defend them."
-- Jennifer Rego

"Authenticity is the courage to love with a rigorous inside-out consistency. Despite pop culture's preference for surface-level glitz, I believe we long for sincerity. We want to be able to trust that others are who they appear to be. And we desire to have our inner and outer persons meet such that we can be known deeply by others and by God." - G Spencer

from Facets of Grace

. g r a c e .

when i was a kid i really disliked my name. in my head i grouped it in the same category with Bertha & Gertrude (which probably at one point were gorgeous names..??). the only Grace's i knew were old & graying, might've been because where i grew up was retirement-central. i remember telling my mom how when i turned 18 i'd change my name to Sarah, and at one point would even practice writing my 'new name' out. of course as i grew up, the name sorta grew on me. i was kinda shocked when i left home for uni and met so many other grace's my age. who'd have thought its actually quite the popular name, especially among asian girls lol. anyways, 24 years with my name and still I am learning new things about what 'grace' means. i often joke saying my parents named me grace cuz ' I need lots of it ' , but truth is.. i do.

Yesterday Pastor Steve started a new sermon series on 1 Timothy, teaching us how the church ought to be in practical terms. So how does the church avoid drifting, how can the church continue staying on the line? simply by being grounded in g r a c e . i'm reminded again as to the treasure that is the gospel we have in our hearts & minds, this gospel which is the power of salvation for all who believe. and this gospel which is grounded in grace, not in intellectually stimulating theological debates or vain discussion for puffing up or in speculative ideology and guesswork. & because this is a gospel grounded in grace and not in ourselves, it is outward-moving not inward-staying, it is ever-growing and never-stagnant, it seeks to place others first against our natural inclincation for selfish ambition & vain conceit (phil 2:3-4). so what's the point in all this? that we be people who's aim is extending Christ's love and life outwards, and this stems from a pure heart (in the now), a good conscience (from the past), and a sincere faith (as we step out to the future).

I am not what I ought to be —

ah, how imperfect and deficient!

I am not what I wish to be —

I abhor what is evil, and I would cleave to what is good!

I am not what I hope to be —

soon, soon shall I put off mortality, and with mortality all sin and imperfection.

Yet, though I am not what I ought to be,

nor what I wish to be,

nor what I hope to be,

I can truly say, I am not what I once was;

a slave to sin and Satan;

and I can heartily join with the apostle, and acknowledge,

“By the grace of God I am what I am.”

- John Newton

some quotes on g r a c e (Paul Tripp)

"You have real hope when your hope is rooted in grace. Grace forgives your past, empowers your present and secures your future."

"The unrelenting power of transforming grace is greater than the unyielding idolatry of your wondering heart."

"We are not kept in the faith by our own discipline and resolve, but by the loving chains of faithful, rescuing grace."

"Grace invades your strength and proves you are weak, then meets you in weakness and makes you strong."

"Trials = Uncomfortable grace...God will take you where you do not want to go to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own..."

"Grace pries open our hands so we let go of the temporary pleasures of this fallen world to hold to the greater pleasures of God's kingdom."

"Grace enters your life in a moment and will occupy you for eternity. It will dash your hopes, but never leave you hopeless."

"Grace reaches down to where you are and lifts you up to where God designed for you to be."

"When your biggest thrill is not some personal pleasure, but Kingdom advancement, then you know grace is transforming your heart."

"Self-righteousness is why we are content with superficial Christianity. Convinced we are okay, we do not long for the daily rescue of grace."

"No promise broken, no provision not delivered, no need unmet, his presence never denied, his power freely given, now that's grace!"

"Grace doesn't free you from the call to obedience, but liberates you from the delusion that you can obey your way into God's acceptance."

"Rest in the reality that there is never a moment when you don't need transforming grace and never a moment where grace isn't operating."

on another note, what a happy month it has been :)

"Jesus Christ our LORD"

Jesus... means 'he will save his people from their sins' (Matt1:21)
Christ... means the Messiah, the long awaited King
LORD... refers to the God of the OT, Yahweh, our Creator God

Who knew in those few words, it could be filled with such deep meaning! I am blown away (again)... still is beyond my comprehension to think how Jesus (our Savior from God's wrath against our wrongs), holy and perfect, would submit to death on a cross, humiliation and shame, false accusations and lies, abandonment even by his own disciples... all so that his people might have restored relationship and peace with the Father.

"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth."

- Isaiah 53: 4-7

What amazing love for Him to endure it all...
What an amazing gift of undeserved forgiveness & salvation for those who repent & believe!

Got a chance to catch up with my 'big sister' from back home... and was reminded again of some great challenges from the 'Women of Purpose' conference last year

• That you develop a wartime mentality and lifestyle; that you never forget that life is short, that billions of people hang in the balance of heaven and hell every day, that the love of money is spiritual suicide, that the goals of upward mobility (nicer clothes, cars, houses, vacations, food, hobbies) are a poor and dangerous substitute for the goals of living for Christ with all your might and maximizing your joy in ministry to people's needs.

• That you be women who have a deep grasp of the sovereign grace of God which undergirds all these spiritual processes; and that you be deep thinkers about the doctrines of grace, and even deeper lovers of these things.

• That you be women of prayer, so that the Word of God will be opened to you, and so the power of faith and holiness will descend upon you; that your spiritual influence may increase at home and at church and in the world.

conclusions: to run hard this race, to be fully aware of eternal consequences & not let opportunities slip me by (& to be bolder!), to hold onto things of this world loosely, to grow in knowledge & grace, & to have prayer at the basis of all things.

random: i feel like there's just so much to do, and so much more i'd like to do. i wonder at times, how do people manage their time so well.. i find it quite difficult. i guess for now, it just means less sleep for me. . .

my pal, the Big G .. whaa?

Was recently given an article (from Bill Muehlenberg) by a mentor of mine. In particular it focused on a story released by CNN bout "moralistic therapeutic deism" where Christianity has become a sort of means to boost self-esteem and self-purpose - to feel good and do good. "Moralistic Therapeutic deism" is just a fancy shmancy way of saying it has become a watered-down faith portraying God as 'divine therapist' existing for me, for my conveniences, and my purposes.

These conclusions were made based on results from interviews with 3000+ American teens where 3 outta 4 claimed to be Christian, yet less than half practice their faith, half of these deem their faith to be important, and most who think it important can't coherently (or accurately) talk about their beliefs...

Hearing the results of this study makes me sad. I remember one of the bigger spiritual humps I had to get over a few years back was to understand the Holiness of God, and where my position to Him is. He is more than a friend, Jesus is more than a brother, He's not a Santa Claus who waits on us, nor is He a God of convenience.. He is GOD MOST High, the Holy of Holies who causes mountains to shake in fear and the wildest of storms to be stilled, whose just wrath man fully deserves, yet boundless grace has covered us, turning away the pouring of his wrath on us. All the universe is beneath Him, I mean my goodness He holds all things together by His Word! I remember being convicted about man's condition, my condition, and God's Holiness... and how FAR that separation between us is. It was such a new revelation at that time listening to the Pastor speak on God's holiness, and how wrong it was of me to lose that awe and become too familiar with Him Most High. Made me understand how important faithful Bible teaching is. And what a huge responsibility it is to teach others to know God as the God of the Bible, to redirect our natural inclination towards thinking hedonistically (i.e. what can God do for me? he gives me peace, love, security in him... which are all good things, but not to be the focus). Rather we turn our eyes to God's holiness which sheds light on our great sinfulness, and knowing our condition and His great position, we become overwhelmed by the grace He showers on us at the cost of Jesus dying at the cross. A sacrifice of man for man, but more than that. Holy for the sinner. Eternal God for the withering grass. From glory to the shame of the cross to bear our sin. And because of this, God's family is brought back to himself. What a love! What grace!

So conclusions? Bill Muehlenberg sums it up well that the cause of the problem "lies in our trivialization & domestication of a Holy & Righteous God whom we ought to fear", but instead spiritually pat on the back like a mate. "God has become less wonderful, less majestic, less of God... He's become manageable and all too familiar." And so we ought to go back to the Word and read & be illuminated by his HS of who God is. And I'm cautioned as well to make sure what I teach is correct, and cross-focused not man-focused.

"The decline of the knowledge of the holy has brought on our troubles. A rediscovery of the majesty of God will go a long way toward curing them. It is impossible to keep our moral practices sound and our inward attitudes right while our idea of God is erroneous or inadequate. If we would bring back spiritual power to our lives, we must begin to think of God more nearly as He is" - A.W. Tozer

"The Church has surrendered her once lofty concept of God and has substituted for it one so low, so ignoble, as to be utterly unworthy of thinking, worshipping men. This she has not done deliberately, but little by little and without her knowledge; and her very unawareness only makes her situation all the more tragic. The low view of God entertained almost universally among Christians is the cause of a hundred lesser evils everywhere among us." - A.W. Tozer

brisbane riverfire

this past saturday was Brisbane Riverfire, which heralded in the 2010 Brisbane Festival - a celebration of the arts community here in brissy.

the fireworks were in all honesty, not that spectacular, but of course still quite purrty :) It's always special seeing the dark sky lit up by lights. but as i was standing there watching the fireworks and hearing all around me the oooh's and ahhh's (myself joining in the chime), i couldn't help but think to myself... Wow, a LOT of people (apparently >half a million) came out to see this, and they stand in amazement at the display of lights in the sky. really, we all gather together to marvel at man's accomplishments for achieving such beauty, and what a show they did put on!... even if it was only for 15minutes ish. But hrm, there's another spectacular display of beauty and wonder that has existed without man's workmanship since the beginning of this world. A display that many if not all around the world from the first man, to us now, have all marveled at. Creation. Looking out at the millions of stars that speckle the sky beyond infinity's eyes, the great waves from the stretched sea of blue that crash onto the shore, the majestic mountain peaks that rise above all, the beauty that is this world & universe, but not a beauty created by the world, but by someone greater, the one true God in heaven, who is the only origin of such beauty. Everyday God's 'fireworks' are on display. and Wow, how glorious!





aside from all the fireworks, it was a wonderful time of fun with old & new friends, yummylicious food, good conversations & digging into the word! here's a pic with most of our housemates. what a cute picture eh? :) really blessed to be living with these girls!

these days, I've fallen in love again with classical music, especially Chopin. It makes me reminisce on earlier piano days, the thrill of performing in front of an audience, the pounding of your heart as you walk towards the piano, the heart-wrenching silence right before the first note is played, closing your eyes taking a deep breath in and letting your fingers take off to paint the piano as you breathe out slowly and enter another world written by music geniuses of the past. even more glorious is playing with an orchestra where the music takes on new heights and you're fully enveloped by all the sounds as they combine to create something not of this world.

Music in its purest classical sense I find to be utterly God-glorifying. Your soul is shaken and moved to tears at times at the beauty played out. its as if the melodic lines intertwine and run parallel with humanity's strife and the great love and cause for joy we have through Christ. I remember my piano teacher in the past who wasn't religious or spiritual by any means whatsoever, but who, as we'd discuss music, would talk about how these great composers were trying to 'reach something beyond this world.. to heaven' through song. listening to their works, one cannot help but be moved to acknowledge the unexplainable, that yes someone greater exists. What a huge gift given us. i can't imagine what music would sound like in heaven :)



absolutely breathtaking. you close your eyes and for a moment you're taken out of this world into another realm..

since coming back from canada, i've been under a big pile of "to-do". been a bit overwhelmed by the amount of material left unlearned (plus all the other stuff on my plate) which greeted me when i returned from back home. and ya, beneath this pile of catchup i've been a bit lost.. lost in the purpose and the why of it all..

but yesterday, was reminded again of the why. it was such a simple thing.. met a woman, Maureen. Brisbanites have prlly come across her once or twice. She roams the streets with her big trolley thing that carries practically her whole life in it. quite impressive if you ask me. She's kinda hard to miss.. definitely someone i've always told myself i'd one day want to get to know. well i guess that day came. while i was waiting for the bus to arrive, was about to chow down on some chicken nuggets from Hungry Jack's (mmm..) when i saw her across the street on a bench sitting by herself (as per usual). and there goes that quiet voice saying go share your meal with her. and so i walked over, sat down, and we ate and talked. it was such a simple and small thing, but i was overjoyed to talk with her and to finally know her name. while sitting was thinking how wonderful it'd be to do this more often. she's had a complex life, and perhaps with time she will share her full story with me, and i'll be able to share my testimony with her.

funny how initially when i went up to her & offered my food, it was as if i was the one trying to 'help' her. little did i know, God knew exactly what i needed, a boost to uplift my spirit. but who'd think this boost would come from a homeless lady. i walked out of there being the one who was helped. she reminded me again of the why! its all about the people and the relationships that are built, about being His hands and feet (& God-willing to one day use this knowledge of medicine for that!) wow, how easy it is to get caught up in school with all this studying and my life tucked cozily in the thick of suburbia. no wonder i've been restless & full of unease about school&life, it was cuz i was lost & purposeless under the pile of 'to-do'. and no wonder i was lost, it was cuz i failed to look beyond myself & my plate to the lives of others & what they are dealing with day by day.. that and to see His purpose for my life and to rest in assurance knowing my Father in heaven is watching over me day & night.

So praise God for renewed zest in learning and being reminded again not to be so self-absorbed.. but to remember what all this studying is for (God-willing He allows me to use it for His purposes in the coming future!)