today i was walking home... and it dawned on me... a sort of liberating thought..

we are not our own.
we were never our own.
for before we were born, He purchased us.

I've never actually fully understood what this meant. but it actually just hit me today in midst of all the rain. As the water droplets were lightly dancing on my face, it felt like a cleansing had taken place. a re-re-birth. a burden lifted. wow. how freeing that is no? looking at that perspective, why do i ever need to worry about anything in life... for this is His purchased life that I am living. I am His. I am not my own.

I hope this world never hardens my heart to You. I hope this joy I have in You is never replaced with cynicism or negativity. I hope I always wake up each day with a smile on my face, for it is a new day that I get the chance to live for You! no matter where I end up, may your work be done in me. I am content. wow. I am so content that it kinda freaks me out.

it seems so unfair. that you meet such a wonderful group of people, and have 24 hours of awesomeness, only to realize that you're probably never going to see them ever again after you leave. wow. how sad that is. . . . . . .. i like markham. i think i shall go back sometime soon :) maybe i will see them again then.

i love kcac.
i think if i leave here, i'll be most sad about leaving this church.

in all honesty, if i had never gotten to know the chinese side, i wouldn't have felt at HOME as i feel now with this church. it's crazy. how do all those aunties and uncles remember our names? ... but ya, tonight we had dumpling night. and wow. it was amazing. seeing SOOO Many people come out, but not only that, seeing so many new faces! what a great way to reach out to co-workers, friends, even students. i felt sad.. really really sad that there were only 2 people from the english congregation who came out. we truly did miss out on an amazing night. a night where i felt part of a family. you step in and the aroma of good food hits you ! then when you head downstairs, so many friendly faces, so many warm handshakes and hugs :) i love kcac.

praise god :)

i just wanted to jot down a few praise items so i won't forget in the future how God is working in my life :)

firstly, last week was crazy busy for me. ... well in retrospect, definitely not as crazy as i thought it was while in the midst of things. but God gave me 2 huge breaks. first by cancelling work on wednesday... crazy timing that my co-workers at the last minute cancelled the meeting eh? well maybe not so much craziness as WOW-NESS for God's mercy for me :) THEN, when i stepped outside on wednesday (keep in mind that during this day there was a crazy crazy snowstorm with wind blowing at who knows how fast and so much snow that you really couldn't see what was in front of you!) anyways, THAT was the day of wednesday, but when i stepped outside, i dunno how, but it was absolutely beautiful at that moment! the sun was shining so brilliantly, the snow was floating by my face , the wind was still... it was breathtaking.

then on Sunday. we had no a/v person to help out with things. in addition, setting up sound was ESPECIALLY SLOW cuz of the EM the day before, and to add, our drummer fell sick that morning! But lo and behold, God was faithful in hearing our prayers! He provided both a drummer & an a/v person .... and it was just so wonderful worshipping our God through songs and praise. My team is so awesome in that although i'm their 'worship leader' ... really they're a self-run team. I wish ppl in our congregation could see what i see when i'm up there. to see a whole body worship our God together ... it's just so amazing. i picture the sweet fragrant of songs of praise and worship being raised up to the heavens by each and every church in this world.. How beautiful it would be from God's viewpoint in heaven eh? to hear , smell, take in, and be glorified through all the fragrances rising up to the heavens, joining and combining as one to form the most sweetest , most beautiful fragrant of all!

Lastly, I thank God for today. after prayer meeting, i read for a bit, then fell asleep.. only to wake up to a girl walking in hoping to pray. i offered to pray with her... and i dunno how , but it was AMAZING! just being able to share with her, to pray with her, to have fellowship with her no matter which campus christian group she came from! it really taught me something special about the unity within the Body. the fact that it truly is Christ who ties all of us together, and honestly that is the only lifeline that is needed :) how wonderful to be able to have a time of fellowship not with just a complete ' stranger' .. but rather with a sister in Christ :)

Praise be to God for all these things! He's constantly working, constantly moving, and constantly answering prayers! I'm excited to see what new things He will be doing throughout this next week :)

what a crazy week it has been so far..
but still God, you never cease to amaze me :)

thank you for today.
thank you for constantly answering my prayers.
thank you for painting such a beautiful day the moment i stepped outside :)

God is very merciful. I personally attest to His mercy time in time out. Funny how when i lose confidence in myself (which is often) , he is always there to put me back on my feet... he's always there to show me another door, to give me another chance. i need to work on communication... so much goes unsaid, intentions are mis-read, feelings get hurt. not a good thing.

courtesy of a friend (unbeknownst to her), i've been reading this book she left behind during christmas break. unfortunately i didn't get the chance to finish reading it over break, but i'm about halfway through, and its amazing. the book is entitled "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" , written by Dr. Paul Brand & Philip Yancey. its slowly revealing to me a whole new conception of what the body of Christ truly is. funny how God who full well knew the parallels before we could even comprehend what a cell was, created our bodies.... with the Body of Christ in his mind.

as i start a new year, i hope to grow in this understanding of who i am and how i fit into his bigger picture. how he is even possible to use me in all i lack, and in all my inadequacies.... i cannot even imagine or understand.

time and time again, Jesus cleanses our sins so that we may be reconciled with the Father. just as he forgives us, so in turn he asks us to forgive others. let's begin this new year afresh. let us put out our old yeast. let us get rid of our old wineskins. let us learn how to love each other and live with other again.

i pray he'd help me this year to discern and really look deep within myself to know and understand exactly who it is that He created me to be.

1 corinthians 4:16-18"therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"

- thank you friend. :)

Lord you are good.
Thank you for your peace. //.. help me, show me, teach me how to love... how to be a sister in Christ... how to be more like you... i love them too much to see it all slip away..

for me, it's always been hard to balance everything. i think i'm naturally predisposed as an all-or-nothing kind of person... but clearly i've gotta change that. at times i get so caught up in the things right in front of me, that i forget to see everything around me. this whole month has been exactly that. i've neglected everyone, including myself. and i'm sorry to you and to me and to everyone. the funny thing is i've been so caught up on trying to focus on NOT focusing... hmm lemme explain... earlier this month i came to some pretty drastic conclusions .. and cuz of those conclusions, i felt like there was a subconscious pull towards fulfilling them. and honestly, it spiralled me down. way down. i think worst of it all was that i forgot that God was beyond it all, i forgot to believe again that God was sovereign and merciful all along. i forgot to rely on him in helping me through all these conclusions. and because of that, i lost sight of everything and everyone. i'm surprised ppl haven't given up on me... i think maybe some have... i definitely have been mia this month. yes, part of it was due to internet not working for me at home.. and hence my being at stauffer till 2am every morning.... but more so it was part of myself trying to avoid the problem. i didn't want to think about it.. i didn't want to think about those conclusions anymore. i just wanted to live. and ironically cuz of that, i've been dying inside and out. dying to my friendships, dying to my God, dying to my parents, dying to myself. i just need time . i just need time with you God. to sort everything out. because everytime I'm with you, we talk about everything EXCEPT that. and really its the "that" that we really need to talk about before I can move on.
but for now, i gotta work/start on this essay due tomorrow at 5pm... ~25hrs to go..

"I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have "a world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten." - Oswald Chambers

ever feel like life is a spinning top? ya know.. those oldschool toys where it spins on its axis and balances on a point? its like any moment, it'll all fall... the slightest breeze or bump on the ground will topple it over... just like that.

so i've been sick these past few days... and it kinda sucks... well.. really sucks.
yesterday, i just couldn't stop coughing. my abs hurt so much. with each cough i dread how they are gonna hurt even more. this whole week, i've been feeling so weak.. mentally and physically. i'm just so drained from everything.. . but ... today is looking a bit better :)

i love my house.
last night i had the hardest time getting to sleep. i just couldn't stop coughing enough to lay my head to rest. i think i must've been coughing a lot, cuz i remember through my semi-consciousness that carolyn came into my room and started rubbing my back as i was coughing. and then there was viv who got me some real medicine, which actually worked! thank you :) and finally when i woke up today. i just felt like crap all over and i was ready to go to class and all. but joycie came downstairs and made me a hot cup of her lemon honey thing and then told me to go back to sleep right after. so i did! and i woke up now...12:26pm!! wow, i slept almost 12 hours . guess i really did need the sleep. i feel a lot better now. i'm still coughing a lot, my abs still hurt, my nose is still stuffed, and the sneezing is still endless... but mentally i'm doing better.. i don't feel like this blanket is still weighing my head down... i don't feel paralyzed. but ya, so i opened my gmail only to find that my 3 hour seminar class which i really dreaded going to was cancelled!! thank you GOD! i hate coughing in class. cuz even though you go to class, you're concentrating so hard on NOT coughing that you're not really listening to the teacher .. but yay, no class!

ok i'm gonna start my day now! hmm, maybe i shall make me some more of that honey lemon stuff :) yumm...

Prayer Request:
1. i had such an unsettling phone call last night.. not to mention major stomach cramps to top it off. it was as if my stomach felt the same way my mind was feeling. pain. why am i here? i'm here to study. but more importantly, i'm here to learn and to grow in ALL aspects of my life. but of course as usual, you both are always so much wiser than i. what do i do? please pray for my life. for direction. God, please help me clear this path i'm walking on. please help me look beyond all this uncertainty to the certainty of You... help me see the bigger picture of it all
Praise Report:
1. God you are so incredibly awesome! you've exceeded my prayers. i knew throughout it all you'd provide, i just didn't know you'd provide so quickly and so perfectly. so thank you a million times over for your faithfulness to KCAC.

2. Pastor Lo is too cool for words! He came by today to drop off moon cake!!! so clearly I'm a very happy girl today :)

3. thank you my dear friend for last night. for your prayer. you said some things i needed to hear...

i feel so broken at times. i feel like i don't know anything... and the fact that i'm so clueless forces me to trust you even more. its hard. its really hard. everything is just hard. and i wonder why its so hard for me. i just wish you'd come down now and take me to the place where you are.

please.

God, you are a faithful God. I know you always answer those who seek your face and so I am confident that you will provide workers for kcac. God won't you please impress on the congregation's hearts that this church is a living and breathing entity which is built upon and supported by EVERY SINGLE person who attends that church! just as the ligaments are present to support each and every bone of the body, so is each person who sits down in the church. WE are the church! NOT pastor Lo, not the leaders, but every person that walks in that door. We are not called to be bench-warmers; we are not called to come sunday after sunday without actively taking part in the body of Christ. at times i find myself disheartened at the lack of passion and fire. at times i just wish you would come down and shake our generation to the core! that you would shake us so hard we would be fearful to disobey your will. just like your parable of the talents. Lord, that we would not put our talents to waste, but we would use EVERYTHING you give us for your glory. may we not be that worthless servant you throw outside, into the darkness, where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.. but that we would do your will. why do we think so rationally when it comes to you? why are we so hesitant to serve you? why are we so wary to give you our time, our talent, our all. For a God who demands our TOTALITY in worship, who has ordered us to give up EVERYTHING to take up your cross... why do we think twice for you? forgive me Father, for not putting as much faith in you as I should have. Yes, I am disheartened.. but Lord I pray that you would send encouragement, that you would work in peoples' hearts TODAY and speak to them. let the sleeping hearts be awakened, and may we all arise and bring glory to your name.

Perfect Love

Do not fear (B)
Do not be weary (G#m)
For I will comfort you. (E F#)
Just keep on moving (B)
Keep on living (G#m)
For I will be here always. (E F#)
and when the dark clouds come and surround you in this life (E F#)
When it looks like hope is such a distant sight (G#m F#)
Please remember (G#m F# E)
Just remember (G#m F# E)

In perfect love there is no fear (B E G#m F#)
and my saving grace will draw you near (B E G#m F#)
and I will let my glory shine in you (B E G#m F#)
For my love, my love, my love (C#m B F#)
will be made complete in you. (E F# G#m)

1 John 4:12-18

I’m scared…
But there’s no room for fear in faith.
Keep walking, keep pushing, keep loving and living for Him and only Him.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:16-18

Stop living in fear. Stop living in doubt. For our chains were set free the moment Christ championed our hearts.

1. what great gift has God given you?
2. where does fear fit into the picture?
get up. walk. do great things. no regrets.

last night i dropped the ball.
God always provides you with 'divine appointments'
He gives you so many chances to show others His love

last night he gave me a chance, he left the door ajar.. and i kinda blew it. i was walking to Gavin's birthday and had just bought some stuff when I passed by a homeless lady sitting on the street. I stopped in the middle of the street about 2 meters from her. She must have thought I was some crazy lady just standing there. I was debating like mad in my head what to do. To keep on walking to gavin’s thing? Or to stop and talk to her? I just stood there like a silly girl, wondering what to do, and then my feet start moving away from her. I kept on walking forward…

… regrets. Don’t have them. ..Forgive me Father.