so we have this Lifecourse Assignment thingy due on monday, and my brain is going through explosive diarrhea. everything i write is quite crappy lol. actually, maybe its writer's constipation, cuz nothings comin out.. :(
...
today we had sunday school training from 10-3pm. before we left in the morning, i took some time to just rethink my sunday school experiences, my childhood experiences, and how HUGE it was for me to learn about Jesus' love. as a sunday school teacher, its too easy to slip into that zone of routine and you start to think that nothing you teach or say will actually make an impact, not an immediate one at least. but oh how wrong that is...

today i saw him. i saw him walk in and my heart stopped for a second. and then the moment passed and i walked away. i guess thats the way life is - things here and there will catch you out of nowhere and you pause for a second, but in the end you can't stay standing still forever, you just have to keep on moving forward.

unfortunately, this week has been one very long pause for me. i just wanted time to stop, and it did in a way. i hermited myself at home, and kind of became enveloped in some sort of state of self-pity while being immobilized by a complete sense of apathy. how sad. but thank God he pulled me out. Finally at the end of it all, i feel like i've found myself. for a second i thought i lost it when i became a child with no voice and no choice. but perhaps instead of seeing things from the bottom of this well, i ought to step out and see the greater picture. God's plan for me is not limited by anything. I ought to stop focusing on that which is not important in the grand scheme of things, even though its kinda hard to do.

thank you housemates. i've been an emotional ball this week. but i think i'm doing better..

I just finished reading Unbreakable, a biography of Steve Cattell, a criminal from Britain who broke free from the chains of addiction - his addiction being to crime.

2 things struck me from this book. (1) how REAL the power of prayer is (& persistance goes a long way). (2) churchianity blows...

Throughout the later part of Steve's life, a friend of his who was an ex-convict now turned born-again Christian, was praying long & hard for Steve. Not only just praying but also preaching and reaching out many arms, arms bearing truth of the gospel and a higher love who was asking him to repent his sins and become clean. He did this so much to the point where Steve kinda got sick of hearing it all, but despite that, those seeds were sown, and Steve at his breaking point decided that maybe just maybe his friend was saying something true and so he tried calling out to God in help. God answered. and through revelation upon revelation, Steve repented and committed his life fully to the work of the Lord.


"so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near." Acts 17:27 Msg


When Steve had become a new Christian, although he & his past lifestyle & current struggle were embraced by the pastor, still the whole congregation would keep him at a comfortable arm's distance from themselves. yes people would say hello and goodbye courteously, but beyond that, nothing. no one extended an arm to him, there were no invitations, and no interest in him & his story & life. he didn't speak Churchinese like the others, he was just different, and so he'd just be left out.. to the point where he'd go home and cry. A full grown man crying! not only that but a convict who had tried so hard his whole life to make his heart stone, to never let anything 'get to him', to not be riddled with emotions which were a sign of weakness; this was the same man who went to bed crying. wow, sad how we can be so cruel without even knowing it.. we try so hard to conform ourselves to Churchianity that we get scared whenever we see anything that's different from us. we forget about Christ and his unfailing love for all, especially for those who never fit into the cookie cutter mold of things.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children -- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. --psalm 103:8-12,17-18

today I got the chance to shadow a Christian doctor who specializes in Addiction Medicine. He's someone I'd classify as a radical Christian, someone who's so strongly rooted in the Word, running against the mainstream current of culture and society. WOW! that's really all i can say about this man. The backstory on this guy: he runs the health center all by himself (which is nuts considering the sheer number of patients he has waiting to see him!), he starts work at 7am in the morning, and finishes around 7-8pm at night, he sees so many patients and is always short for time, yet always makes time for all his patients. More than that, he always makes time to preach the gospel and to pray!

For a long time, i've been struggling with how my calling can be one that is used for His kingdom. I've talked to a few Christian doctors before about this... and it seemed the consensus was: do your job well, show compassion, and heal them.. and maybe just maybe they'll see a difference in you from other doctors, maybe just maybe they'll ask about what you believe in, maybe just maybe you'll get to share your faith... but i'm not one for the maybes. today, i finally got my answer, that yes, indeed we CAN be bold for Him (even in a medicolegal way!).

it was amazing to join the ride on the God-train today and to see God work in these peoples lives. these people who, by society's standards, are considered trash, garbage to be taken out and pushed out of sight. BUT this doctor helped pierce straight through their problems of addiction to the core & root of it all, that God needs to be in their lives. There was this woman who came in today in her late 30s. she's a heroin addict and victim of abuse on the road to recovery. i still remember what she said.

"When you're 16, young and naive, you believe all the lies that life & happiness is all about the sex, the booze, and the drugs, and for a while you truly believe & live the 'good' life, but then there comes a day when you wake up from the nightmare, and all you see is brokeness, pain, a shattered life and a shattered image of who you once were."

we prayed for this woman. for her and her sister who also was led astray to the life of heroin. i remember praying over her and being so taken over with the Spirit that i didn't even know what i was speaking about cuz the words were just coming out of my mouth so fast (usually i'm a slow quiet ponderer of a prayerer). But wow, today I saw 2 women come to Christ right there! After prayer, tears of joy were rolling from their eyes, knowing that yes we are made new & clean & beautiful through Christ's blood shed for us. More than that, all the lies and the grip that heroin holds on them is something that is conquerable, conquerable through Christ!

There were a lot of other God moments that happened today in the center. For example, this one homeless girl who's been hopping from shelter to shelter, and who's life for a long while now has been claimed by heroin came in today. After giving her life to the Lord 10 days ago, her life has done a 180 turn! she found a job, found a place to live, and is now receiving treatment to get her addiction under control. WOW! we prayed with her and just shared in our joy for her life that has been so miraculously transformed!

this and more, that is why just thinking through the day, i couldn't and can't help but be overflowing with pure joy knowing that God is doing amazing things, that He is Good, REALLY Good, and truly Sovereign even in the most seemingly hopeless lives.

today reminded me that,

it's not about medicine.
it's all about His work, His mission, His kingdom here on earth.

it's not about me.
it's all about Him!

!Praise God in all that He does despite all we lack!

in midst of all this studying its so easy to lose sight of the bigger picture...
*sigh
but thank you friend for all your encouragement :)
Father how I pray you'd consume the entirety of my mind and heart and soul (!)

It's final, I'm here for good, err... at least for a while now.

rejection is never easy to hear. a part of you wonders and doubts yourself and who you are as a person and whether or not you're 'good' enough. and you begin to think to yourself, what's wrong with me? why her, why him, yet why not me? all these questions swirl in your head and for a moment its easy to give in to thinking that perhaps I'm not good enough, perhaps i'll never be good enough. and before you take notice, these thoughts start eating away at you, and so you stomp your foot down in retaliation to stop these thoughts from flowing in.


I am who He made me to be. (even in all i lack)
I am where He wanted me to be. (even though my heart aches to be home)
I am doing what He wanted me to do. (even though I'm struggling to stay afloat)

and so, praise be to God, Creator & Maker of all things, who knows and sees and wills all things into being.

5 days left.

I haven't been allowing myself to think about the possibility of leaving here. But there are moments that come and go, where I yearn so deeply to go back. Yet at the same time, I've slowly but surely (and with much initial inner hesitation) allowed myself to let my roots grow deeper and deeper here. I close my eyes and see two different roads before me, each leading away from each other. But I look a bit further and am at peace knowing that although these roads may diverge at this point in my life, they will meet up again. For although location may or may not change, that doesn't change the Lord's plan for my life. For it is Him who leads me on this path of life. Even though I may not know what tomorrow brings, it is He who has been and will always be my guide, who will keep me from falling and keep me close to His heart so that surely goodness and mercy will follow me all of my days. What a comforting promise indeed! :)

Yesterday, a friend from Queen's who's doing YWAM training in the goldcoast, came to visit Eleasa and I up here in Brisbane. It was wonderful seeing him - my face completely lit up and a whole flood of memories from my kingston days resurfaced again. Hearing all his stories and seeing how God has been working through him and revealing himself so clearly to him greatly encouraged me. I was reminded yet again that our God is the GREAT God from ages past, who is who He is, able to do all things miraculous and wonderful, whose mighty power was not just a thing of the past, but rather He is God with us, working to this day to make His presence known and bring glory to His name. :) How awesome!

God is good :)
so very very good :)

despite not knowing where we'll be going (immediately or further in the future), Thank God we can be certain in Him and our ultimate path no matter what, for there is certainty within uncertainty in this world. What a delight that is to know :)

"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

thoughts...

Abandoning myself to God means refusing to have the luxury of asking questions.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing grander than having a life that is hid with Christ in God.

I am blocked from complete abandonment perhaps because of disobedience or because I refuse to be simple enough.

again... it all comes down to:
God loves me.
Therefore I love God.

To be completely abandoned to Him means to know and understand the depth of who He is and what He has done for me, and then for me to act accordingly in response to that.

At the core of Christian living, it is faith. But being a Christian is more than just having faith. It's chasing after obedience and holiness, and as a result of that, a fruitful well-grounded way of life grows out from our rooted faith. More specifically, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love become increasingly more evident in our lives.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:5-8

"Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall" 2 Peter 1:10

I pray I may be diligent, unceasing & relentlessly persistent in adding to my faith, not backsliding towards apathy, complacency, self-righteousness, pride, or a crumbling faith built on sand with only love for myself and no one else...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny."

- Samuel Smiles

In the past, these 4 lines written above gave me peace and reassurance. However, over this weekend, these lines kept on popping up in my head, but for different reasons, for a different purpose this time. They challenged me to open my eyes yet again, and see exactly WHO I am and WHY I am on this earth. I am His. I am here for Him. It's so simple. Yet, how could I forget? How could I give Him anything less than 100% of my entire being? I truly yearn to know His Word inside out, to be living a life glorifying to Him, to be reaching out and bringing people into His kingdom, to reignite that sense of burden in being so deeply moved to share the gospel with a friend or a stranger. I yearn for God to use me fully and for me to be recklessly and wholly abandoned to His will.

.

Everything comes secondary to the will of God and His Kingdom here on earth. I pray that my passion in life would be solely that and that alone. Lord, let Thy kingdom come, and let Your will be done on earth and throughout my life.

During stress-inducing moments of anxiety, Lord let me lean on You alone. May I humble myself knowing full well that my life is completely under Your mighty hand. May I stand firm knowing full well that I am not alone,but rather I am surrounded by grace. Restore me Lord, build my faith upon rock, deeply root my mind and spirit into Your truth, and lead me to the life everlasting.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -- 1 Peter 5:6-10

I need to be more mindful of what I do, what I say, how I come off to others, so that in all things God may be praised!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:10-11

"Frida: Chosen to Die, Destined to Live." These past few days, I've been allowing myself to escape into the life of Gashumba Frida, a survivor of the Rwandan genocide. Quite often, I find myself separating head and heart when it comes to reading about the atrocities of this world. It's easy to look at 'history' and separate one's self from it, for its just something written on paper, something that has no immediate effect on me, something that is too distant to fully comprehend or fully care. As a result, 'history' just becomes facts or statistics, and the full flood of weight that it bears is lost.

However, yesterday as I was reading, I broke into sobs and was unable to stop the tears from flowing down my face. To imagine that the red line between Hutus and Tutsis caused neighbours to turn against neighbours, friends against friends, even to see "Christians" killing other Christians.. it all sickened me to the core and made me want to throw up. And then for a father to witness his whole family die before him, that thought was what opened the floodgates for me. I can't imagine how any human being could be so... monstrous, so evil, so disgustingly inhuman to kill even grandmothers, grandfathers, pregnant mothers, children, and even babies... worse than that, they did it so cruelly, trying to inflict as much pain as possible. Yet despite this, there were people like Frida's grandfather who started singing hymns while being marched towards death's door, who had faith in God till the very bloody end, who even preached the gospel of God's grace through His Son Jesus Christ to his murderers.

I close my eyes, and place myself in midst of the Rwandan genocide, and all I can do is cry. What horrible creatures we are! That we are capable of such immense evil is revolting and saddening. If anything, it shows how much we need God in our lives; for without God all that is left is evil and we become deplorable creatures with no sense of conscience, no heart, no soul, and worst of all.. no hope.

"Take the good out of the murky"

It's not good to care so much about our outward selves, that we forget our inward selves. Then again its not good to not care about our outward selves such that we don't even respect our body or appreciate the beauty that we are part of God's creation. The answer is not black and white. Wearing bummy clothes and never combing our hair is not what Peter's asking. He's asking that we remember where our TRUE beauty lies; he's asking us to examine ourselves and ask the tough questions 'Does outward beauty matter more than inward beauty to us?', 'Are we putting more effort inwards than we do outwards?'. Really it all boils down to one question, 'Where do our hearts lie? In ourselves or in God?'

Therefore its good to love our outward selves and appreciate the fact that we are God's creation, while seeking and searching to conform our inward selves to the beauty of Christ-likeness through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

Who am I?

I am God's.

That's who I am.

What a liberating and comforting thought. Therefore, in tough times, I ought to bear it and endure it, all the while placing my trust completely in Him who sits enthroned above.

"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" - 1 Peter 2:9

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls" - 1 Peter 2:23-25

I remember a time when being filled to the brim with joy was such a huge part of who I was as a Christian. That was then, and here I am now, trying to re-light this dampened wick to my soul. I truly do wish to get back to being filled with an "inexpressible and glorious joy" for having received salvation and for being filled with the Holy Spirit.

I think often times, I downplay the role of the Spirit in my life. Yet what a tragedy. For the Spirit convicts our hearts, transforms our minds, empowers us and keeps us in step with God bestowing unto us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And so today I pray to the Spirit to fill my heart again with joy, true joy in having my hope fully set on the grace given to me through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"Christian life is all about plodding". I know that it's okay to have 'bleh' days and 'bleh' emotions, yet despite that, true joy should never fade despite circumstances. I've taken up Keiyeng's advice, and I've started each day by praying that despite how 'bleh' I may be feeling, or how trying the day may be, I choose to trust in the Lord, to have my hopes set on Him and His perfect will. And I just pray that in time, that hope will be enough for my heart to be set ablaze with inner joy, no matter how grey the day may be.


"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:8-9

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed" - 1 Peter 1:13