this night has been strange.
it was weird, but i left bible study today quite disheartened & discouraged. the opposite of what I should've been. especially since tonight's study we were looking at such an uplifting passage (Jude 24-25). i took a loooooong detour walking home... 1 hr of trying to clear my head & talk things out with the big G.
i didn't even know why i felt that way... but finally came to the conclusion that i was disheartened with myself. i remember a year ago, one of the very 1st sermons that Pastor Steve preached on was bout having hard heads & soft hearts. i've got the soft heart down pat. but as far as the hard head goes... at times i wonder if there's much inside this head. before i always loved the fact that God could hear my unspoken words. i would just sit ..and without saying a word, loved that God could hear my every cry of joy and sadness in my heart. and while reflecting on His words, they would make their mark in my heart... but not as often a mark in my head... prolly why i was never great at explaining these unsaid things... i just knew them to be true in my soul. Oh but how I wish I could grow not just in heart but also in knowledge and understanding with WORDS, not just internal unspoken truths. I admire those in my bible study group. They have such MASSIVE HEADS & such clarity of thought and speech! Today more than ever though, i felt a lot of big words fly over me. While reading the passage, I just had this urge to jump with joy lol. I couldn't even explain it... such hope, such comfort, such PURE JOY knowing that we are His and He will NEVER forsake us. WOW! More than that, knowing how much of a sinner I was, and the great cost Christ paid on that cross so that I may have this joy and hope and peace! It boggles my mind. I'd imagine its pretty much like that feeling you'd get if you won the lottery! =) Complete bliss knowing you're set for life!! and how undeserving we are of it too! All this I was feeling, yet couldn't put any of it into words.
... how I pray I may know my God and my faith not just in heart but also in head! to think hard & deep bout these things not just for the sake of my inner self during quiet times, but also for the benefit of others as we grow together in the faith!
