a love like faith

sometimes it's just so easy to become too self-absorbed. our culture here has brought us up in such a disgustingly selfish way, that it has molded us into these me-robots who bulldoze through whatever and whomever to get what they want. We fail to see the hurt, we fail to see the pain; we're just blinded by our own selfish ambition, or in my case, blinded by a complete and utter obliviousness to this world. for me, when i feel sad, the world becomes sad, when i'm happy, the world happy. not a good thing eh? i'm beginning this new devotional on the fruit of the spirit, the first sub-fruit being LOVE. and i question myself, as I seem to do so often these days, do i really love? well ya, of course I do, cuz I know and believe in God, and God IS love as it says in 1 John 4:8.

but.. love, in a way, is sorta like faith in that faith without action is dead. likewise, love without action is also dead. Jesus, when he came down to Earth not only preached about love, but freely gave it out - one of the prime examples being how Jesus not only healed, but TOUCHED the leprous man - so again, i ask myself do i really love? now, the answer is a maybe. and that's not a good sign. love is meaningless and empty if it's not backed by action, so it's my prayer that i become less self-absorbed and more pro-ACTIVE, less oblivious and more aware of others, to show less "dead-love" and more of "God's-love" backed by action.

thankyou my faithful Lord..

God why are you such a faithful God? oh ya, its cuz you're God, a GREAT God, THE God. It just dawned on me, Lord, you've answered all my prayers regarding KCAC worship. You've answered them ALL completely... even the ones that failed to reach my consciousness. Last Sunday, Fei just came up to me and asked if she could help with worship this year. Funny how you knew I needed more vocalists, and voila, you sent one STRAIGHT to me! So God, I thank you for everything.. and I devote this next year to you! No matter what happens with worship at KCAC, I will continue serving you with joy because you O Lord are MOST worthy of my praise, you O Lord are most deserving of my service, and I will give you my all wholeheartedly.

Lord.. keep me strong this year. I don't want to be burned out, I don't want to give in to worry.. most importantly, i don't want to become prideful. Lord keep me humble throughout it all.. to recognize it is YOU who has given everything, and it is YOU who can so easily strip it away

i love you.

heaven's song

Trees waving,
Butterflies dancing,
Flowers smiling.

Birds chirping,
Wind blowing,
Sun beaming,
Children laughing,

All to the lull of Heaven's song


.. ever have that feeling, like you're in a movie? not only that, but it feels like there's music continuously playing in the background, just like during those emotional teary-eyed moments or transitory scenes in a TV drama. i was walking home today, and sat down for a long while on a park bench, just sitting and listening and thinking.. trying to take in everything at once. and i heard it. i heard an echo of Heaven's song, and it was beautiful. hearing children laugh, birds sing, trees waving their hands, the wind weaving through the grass, butterflies and bumblebees fluttering to each smiling flower, everything, everything was all so beautiful, and my heart felt content and complete. i thought it'd be tough at first, but it isn't, not anymore. I wouldn't mind staying like this forever, maybe i can. if it's in your will i guess, but at this very moment, i wouldn't mind. thank you for holding my heart, my whole heart.

10 Goals for '06-'07

My goals. help me Lord to follow through with these words. I know by myself I'm doomed to fail from the start, but you're holding me Lord, it is ALL You and Not Me.

1. this will be incredibly difficult, but from now on, no DC++, no christiantorrents, no downloading in general. i never once thought twice about my downloading music, movies, etc. but last sunday a guy pointed out to me how wrong it was.. he wasn't being judgemental or anything, in fact quite the contrary, but he made me see so clearly that it was just not right. and i recognize that now.. and to recognize yet do nothing, that would be the worst. so ya, no more stealing, cuz that's what it is in essence.

2. as mentioned in a prior post, this year I want to continue being single - for God to be the focal point in my life, for him to be the SOURCE of love that my heart will run to... not boys, not for the ideal of romance. Yet at the same time, this year I want to grow in my relationships with brothers-in-Christ, nothing more nothing less.

3. to put emphasis and strive for consistency in my prayer life; for Him to permeate EVERY SINGLE aspect of my life. not just the quiet prayer time, but to be in direct communication with him in everything that i do.. whether it be when I'm walking to class, when I'm doing homework, in meetings, during meals... everwhere really. its something i'm starting to get used to, and definitely don't want to let go.

4. to continue faithfully through my bible studies every morning. to have completed the book by the end of the year.

5. to grow as a worship leader and disciple in Christ.

6. to put a Godly stance in everything I do and say during Assembly Meetings, and especially during Senate! I've been delegated and elected Senator by You God. I hate politics, it's so dirty, yet you've placed me here, in a position of influence at Queen's. Don't let me shy away from my responsibilities, inspire me to say what you want me to say.. Lord I want Queen's University to be marked and annointed by You!

7. to grow in relationships with my sisters in Christ here at Queen's. Especially look after the relationships with those 3 people I've told you about..

8. to grow in my non-christian relationships. you seem to have placed me in a position with a LOT of non-christian friends. Lord, utilize me, may it be as natural as possible when the time comes to speak your truth.. but more importantly, keep me strong and level-headed. i never want to lose sight of you despite pulling influences.

9. to concentrate on my studies. i'm placed at queen's first and foremost to gain an education. help me glorify your name through my studies.

10. to take joy in everything I do, cuz i only live once, and this life is a gift from you to me. i want to embrace life fully cuz it really IS a joy to be alive!

hard knock life

why is life full of hard decisions and choices? why are there so many roadblocks, locked doors, not to mention the headaches caused by them? as my mom clearly puts it time and time again "life is not easy" sums up life eh? there's this HUGE mega question mark fogging up the lens to the future. its a pain only knowing the unknown, knowing i might just be hitting the wall when i walk so confidently through this door. i feel like i'm in a pinball machine, and i'm the ball being tossed here and there. is life just a pinball game? are we bouncing here and there till we finish up our 3 balls? and yet, God, with his 'stretched' time sees everything. He sees all the walls (or should i say bumpers) I'll hit, all the home-runs (or missions) I'll score, all my joys and pains. if i lean on him, lean on his understanding, lean on his Word and his truth, then my path WILL be made straight as he so clearly promises in proverbs 3. yet, i have an inkling of a feeling that it'll be made straight in HIS sense as opposed to mine. that doesn't seem so reassuring to put it plainly. but i need to get used to HIM being the boss of me, that he will oversee everything i do (given that i put my trust in Him AND given that i work my butt off in this world), and even if things don't happen to go as planned.. i still need to acknowledge that it IS going as planned in his plan.. if that makes any sense

.

what a relief!
what a huge burden lifted off!
its all out :)

may each step i take be aligned in your path..

.

woah, where'd that come from?
Huge epiphany? or plain deception?
where do i go from here...

nichole nordeman is the real deal

i think i really really really like Nichole Nordeman! man, she can DEFINITELY write! her lyrics are just so beautifully crafted (yes, she even rhymes, and its harder than it looks) plus there's actual depth of meaning in those lines, she truly paints a picture with her words eh? definitely more than your ordinary Hillsong's song where you sing an "I love you" x10 type deal (not that that is wrong or anything, but there's a time and place for it, and it can get overdone just a bit)

this was one of the first songs i heard from her, and listening to it again, i remembered why she stood out from the rest of the songs on my playlist. one word. wow.


Anyway.

Bless the days this restoration is complete
dirty, dusty, something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
though it's never quite enough
I am starting to see me finally

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
Guess its no suprise that I'm no michaelangelo
every layer of mine
hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
it might take a little time

but you called me beautiful
when you saw my shame
and you placed me on the wall
anyway

you who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
so I polish and shine till its easier to find
even an outline of mine

but you called me beautiful
when you saw my shame
and you placed me on the wall
anyway

thank you Father for the grace you've shown to me. its a grace that i will never be able to understand fully. its a grace beyond meaning, a grace beyond logic, and thankfully, a grace beyond doubt.

10 q

i'm truly blessed to have a friend like you.
thank you, for everything really.

i'm spoiled by you eh?
:)

love you.

.

How is it that parents know exactly what to say?
Why are they always so wise?
thankyou mom and dad :)
thankyou God for giving me my mom and dad :)

you knew all along..you knew I needed him..you knew our bond would only be strengthened in the end..you just knew..wow.

.

thank you for all the birthday wishes :)

yay, i'm 20!

I Cling to You

I’ve got no place to run (Bm G)
No place now to hide (D)
Jesus take me from this world of hardened pride (A)
There’s nothing for me here (Bm G)
Nothing for me now (D)
Don’t leave me hanging as I reach my hands up high (A)

I cling to You, Holy Truth (D D/F# )
I hold on tight, with all my might (G A)
Don’t let me go, my enduring Hope (D D/F#)
Just find rest my soul, in God alone. (G A)

And I will go with You (Bm G)
Where you stay I’ll stay (D)
Lord I will follow you forever and a day (A)
And I will bear your cross (Bm G)
Bear it anew each day (D)
The tides are changing, but I’ll continue to walk in faith (A)

.

. thank you .
.. i love you ..
... i miss you ...

what worship is:

i was reading through this powerpoint presentation, and it sorta reiterated what i knew, but seeing as i was never one who was good with words, i thought i'd jot them down.. so next time anyone asks "what is worship?" i'll be able to quote John Piper :)

1. “Strong affections for God, rooted in and shaped by the truth of Scripture – this is bone and marrow of biblical worship” (John Piper)

2. Worship in song must be a genuine extension from a lifestyle of worship

3. Every moment and every activity can be transformed into an act of worship

“Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” (Colossians 3:23, NLT)

“Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering.” (Romans 12:1, Mssg)

“Let every detail in your lives--words, actions, whatever--be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way” (Colossians 3:17, Mssg)

a jaw-dropping wow

So as i mentioned prior, we had a pretty bad worship practice on wednesday.. not only that, but we had 35 minutes of actual practice behind our belts. I was dreading the worst, yet at the same time a bit complacent, praying for the best and putting my trust in the best, i.e. our God. and today, everything went so smoothly, it was amazing, and well all i could do was laugh and chuckle at how things turned around so easily. we started practice around 8:20am, and lo and behold we actually finished going through each and every song by the time the clock struck 9:05. So not only did we get to go through everything, we even had enough time to smooth over the wrinkles. I was nervous seeing as we scrapped 4 out of the 6 songs we had practiced on wednesday. so yes, we had to practice 4 completely new songs this morning (not like it mattered, since 35 minutes is not much time to practice anything) but ya, everything fell in line so incredibly smoothly! i'm just thankful we switched up the songs of response.. it definitely was more fitting with the theme of Jenny's message. sometimes it feels like a gamble when choosing a song of response. if all you're given is the scripture reading and the golden verse, well honestly the direction of the msg could pretty well go anywhere. but when you find that perfect song which encapsulates the theme of the message, then it feels like you've hit the jackpot. i hate having to connect the sermon to the song of response, rather the song of response should be able to stand on its own as an extension of the sermon, or a re-statement of it.

i like leading worship. its scary and frightening. but its also enlightening and uplifting (if that makes any sense). leading worship has pushed me to become a better servant, a better Christian, and a better daughter to my Lord. so ya, i really do like leading worship.

KCACYF Summer of 2006

Haggai 2:1-23

The Way of Obedience is the Way of Blessing.

Haggai teaches us that faithfulness and blessings are directly connected; that when a good work is awaiting its accomplishment, the time to do it is now! that discouragement is not a good enough reason for neglecting duties. "Be strong and work" (Haggai 2:4) is a great statement to live by... its going out in faith, working hard, and in the process receiving the many blessings poured out from our Father.

"My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear." (Haggai 2:5)
"I will make you like my signet ring, for I have chosen you." (Haggai 2:23)

God said He would make Zerubbabel like a signet ring, yet earlier on (somewhere in Jeremiah) God passes judgement on his grandfather and entire family line. however, years later, Zerubbabel leads a group of Jews back to Jerusalem after their exile in Babylon. Because of his obedience to God and his efforts to rebuild the temple, the Lord refers to Zerubbabel as a valued signet ring. (The signet ring represents honor and authority of a king)

Lesson to Learn: Be Obedient, Be Strong, and Work Hard

Malachi 1:6-14

Worship is the natural expression of our love for a holy God. Now this God we believe in is a jealous God who demands the totality of our worship, for he is the object of our honor and our respect.

Malachi hits the dot when addressing the issue of hypocritical worship. Apparently, the term “hypocrite” has Elizabethan roots. An actor would play numerous roles by switching masks. It was the same person, but a different face. The word “hypocrite” in today’s terminology is completely negative now - he or she is a person who talks out of both sides of their mouth, someone who goes through the proper motions but has a hidden agenda. Have you ever heard that phrase "I got so much out of worship today" ? its warped i tell you. Its not what we get out of it, but rather what we GIVE out of ourselves to Him.

There is a natural order and a natural flow of things. First comes love, then comes Worship. These 2 values go hand-in-hand or rather they're like hand in glove. There can be no separating our love for God from our worship of who God is.

In Malachi's time, he speaks of Worship services which have become routine and mundane. The people were showing up for corporate worship but their lifestyle demonstrated a selfish priority. Its scary how our time and age is not so much different from theirs. Malachi emphasizes the need for true worship, and the heart of his message identifies what true worship is. True worship must have a sincere respect for God. True worship must give a sacrificial response to God. Is God our buddy-buddy? or is he our master whom we honour and respect (Malachi 1:6)? For our God says "I am a great King, and my name is to be feared among the nations" (Malachi 1:14) Where's the fear in our generation today? It's like we've bottled him up into a tiny cute little package of love and happiness.. and we don't recognize this is the same avengeful God who can brutally strip us into nothing.

humility in you.

Teach me Lord to love you with everything and nothing. Everything in that my whole being will love you with all that I have and even with all that I lack; and Nothing in that I am not conscious of my love for you, I am not self-aware for that is prideful, and that will surely ensnare me in sin. Let the foundation of my love for you be based on humility and self-sacrifice. Lord wipe away all pride, all sin, and all my double-mindedness, for Lord I am but a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes, while you remain unchanged and unchanging, the same yesterday, today, and forever. Lord lend your strength to me, that my feet may be like the feet of deer, and that I may reach inexplicable heights whereso it is written in your design for me. Sorry for that lapse in emotion last night. God, thank you for being my refuge, thank you for caring for those whose trust is in You. I hate being weak. I hate letting emotions run, but at the same time, I thank you Lord that you've given these feelings to me, that I truly felt and truly FEEL alive. This breath in me is a gift from you; God, I don't want to abuse that gift. Let me be grateful for all I have, and be even more grateful for all that I don't have - for it will force me to be more hungry, more thirsty after your kingdom and righteousness. So I turn these tears of sadness into tears of joy...


<-----! !----->

"Your attitude should be the same as that
of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God
something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death -
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee
should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under
the earth,
and every tongue confess that
Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."

- Philippians 2:5-11

<-----! !----->

..

i was walking home after practice..
and i dunno why, but i just started crying.
it was as if all my frustrations, all my worries, all my inner longings were embodied in my tears.

ya, we had a really bad worship practice, and that just added fuel to the flame.. but i wasn't crying for that . i pinpointed why exactly all these tears were flowing down my face. it was cuz an image popped into my head. an image of myself at home, hugging my dad. its so strange, i never in a million years thought that THAT would bring me to tears! me, the one who's so stoic when it comes to crying. i miss you dad. i miss the warmth i get when i'm in your arms, i miss that sense of security, knowing that when i'm in your embrace, everything will be ok. its like you put a spell over me. and now, just thinking about you is putting me to tears all over again.. stop grace. stop crying. why are you so weak right now? why do you miss home so much? why are tears flowing down your face? just stop. please..

i miss you.

i miss you mommy
i miss you daddy
i miss you michael
i miss you david

i just want to go home right now.
i think it might've been for the best if i had gone home to study this summer.
i feel like there are 10 oceans between us.
can't believe you guys are roadtripping back to calgary again..
wish i could come.

don't let go..

Lord, my God.
You are my crutch.
Don't ever let me go.
I fear the second you release me, I'll fall.
I'm hanging by one strand -
that golden strand connecting me to you.
Don't let go.

I can't stand on my own 2 feet without you Lord.
I don't think i'll even be able to breathe, for responsibilities, duties, aspirations, they all overwhelm me, they'll sweep me off my feet into darkness. Lord you're controlling my breath. each depression of my diaphragm, each contraction of my intercostal muscles, Lord you're even controlling my medulla oblongata

Lord you control everything. i'll collapse without you God, and you know it.

onto the ladder.

Sabbath: Work to glorify Him.
All other Days: Glorify by working for Him.

..phase2..

redefinition

Lord you define me, (F C)
You complete me, (Bb)
Like none other can. (Dm C)

Lord, you're my Father, (F C)
My best friend, (Bb)
On whom I can depend. (C)

So why do I look elsewhere, (F)
For purpose in my life. (C/E)
And why is my heart running, (Dm)
To burden and to strife. (C)
Despite my true intentions, (Bb)
I'm losing sight of you. (F/A)
I'm fooling myself, (Bb/G)
Deceiving myself. (F/A)
Now I'm longing for you, (Bb/G)
Hoping for you, (F/C)
For your promises reign true. (Bb C)

Lord, be my center (F C/E)
Lord, Be my answer (Dm F/C)
Lord, by my Sole Desire. (Bb F/A)
Hold me. (Bb/G)
Take me. (F/A)
Lead me, (Bb)
in this life. (F)

very random thoughts

sorry i had those thoughts invading my head.
it was unfair, and i probably should have told you,
but time has past..
and it really was just a bad day
maybe i'll blame it on pms or something..

thanks mrs.lo for teaching me to bake cookies from scratch!
there's more than meets the eye, that's for sure

my feet hurt, i've been on a go-go from 8am-1am

can't believe i'm actually gonna get to record my song.. hope if anyone listens, they won't laugh.. or think its horrible. music is like laying your heart bare for the whole world to see. its like being stripped down to nothing.. its like that nightmare every kid has of standing naked in front of their class.

i'm still missing you both.
i hate not being able to call.

just a few more weeks to go.
i'm scared.

could i be able to say "Lord where you go I will go, where you stay i will stay"?? how much do i really mean it when i say it? i want to think that i mean it, and i want to believe that i mean it, but do i actually mean it?

i'm tired.
tired of this all.

?

i dunno how you do it,
but somehow someway you make me feel so insignificant,
like i don't matter,
like i'm never good enough,

maybe i'll just blame it on today.
maybe it's just a bad day for me.
maybe i'm just too sensitive about these things..

.

i miss you mommy..
i miss you daddy..

its been hard not being able to talk to you as often..

i miss you too michael & david..

thanks for looking out for me..

i hate phone plans, i hate cell phones, i'm sick of communicating through e-mail..

*sigh

unbounded mercy

Promises, heartless promises (F#m D)
I've made to You. (A E/G#)
Emptiness, in complete abyss (F#m D)
Without You, Lord without You. (A E)

I can't see, I can't breathe, without You. (Bm F#m Esus E)
I can't feel, I can't think, I need You. (Bm F#m Esus E)
And I'm torn up inside, (Bm)
Lord I've lived a lie. (A)
My heart is frozen, (C#m)
Stone cold and broken. (E)
I'm guilty and tried, (Bm)
Entangled in pride. (A)
Can You hear my cry, (C#m)
My silent cry? (E)

..and I sing: (E)
Lord have Mercy (F#m D)
On me, on me. (A E)
And Lord I am nothing, (F#m D)
But take me, please take me (A E)

Brokenness, only brokenness. (F#m D)
There's nothing now, but You. (A E/G#)
I turn to You, there's only You. (A E/G#)
Please save me Lord, please do. (A E)

I want to see, I want to breathe, with You. (Bm F#m Esus E )
I want to feel, I want to think, I need You. (Bm F#m Esus E)
And I'm begging you Lord, (Bm)
Am I spoken for? (A)
Can you save this child, (C#m)
This undeserving child? (E)
Is there grace for me, (Bm)
yes even for me? (A)
Lord hear my cry, (C#m)
my heartfelt cry. (E)

..and I sing: (E)
Lord show mercy, (F#m D)
On me, on me (A E)
And Lord I have nothing, (F#m D)
Yet you've taken me, you've taken me (A E)

And now I'm complete in You (A Bm)
And now I'm made whole in You (A/C# D)
And I'm renewed and alive (A)
Strengthened and revived (Bm )
Refined and Redignified in You (A/C# D)

I can see, and I can breathe, (Bm A/C#)
I can feel; Your grace is my seal. (D E)

Will You teach me your ways, (A)
To strengthen my faith. (D)
I will walk in your truths, (A/C#)
Uphold the good news. (E)
Lord my heart belongs to You, (A)
Only to You. (D)
My praises fill the sky, (A/C#)
Only for You! (E)

..and I'll proclaim: (E)
Lord you are merciful, (A E/G#)
To me, even me(F#m D)
Oh Lord, your grace is beautiful, (A E/G#)
It saved me, yes You saved me (F#m D)

i like my highschoolers..

thankful for those talks...

these past 3 weeks flew by so quickly. i was really sad when Joyce left kingston, i thought it would feel like eternity until she got back.. but at the same time, during these 3 weeks, i've learned so much, and am happy that everything happened the way it did. i've gotten to know a new brother in Christ. someone i sorta wishwashily knew before, but never really got to know. someone who has not only opened my eyes to truths time and time again, but has helped me through some mental bumps.

after tonight's talk, i've come to a conclusion. i've said it before, but now its going to be put into longterm action. for the next year at least, i'm going to swear off boys.. as in no thinking about anything that could be more than a friendship, no thinking about romance, no looking for love, no looking period. i want to be content with being single. and i will be content. not only that, but one day, probably not anytime soon, i'd want to have as much faith as to say to the Lord that I'd be happy being single for the rest of my life... to have that much trust in Him, to have that much love for Him and Him alone! So here's to the year of growing relationships solely as brothers and sisters in Christ, here's to a year of being whole in only you my Lord.

all along...

thank you Lord for knowing me, and yet loving me just the same.
that despite my not having the most eloquent speech, or the perfect words to describe what i want to say .. Lord you still understand me.. even through all my mumbles and grumbles. i could only laugh when it dawned on me as i was walking home tonite.. Lord you know me. you out of every single person i know in this world, you know me the best. i don't have to impress you Lord, i don't have to try so hard in front of you, i don't need to be someone i'm not.. because you understand me just as i am, you accept me just as i am, and most importantly, Lord you love me despite all my bruises and scars. out of everyone you know the deepest yearnings of my being, you know when my soul is crying out for help, when i am in need.. you really are my best friend.. how could i be so blind as to not truly understand that before?

.

Depth of Mercy! Can there be Mercy still reserved for me?
Can my God His wrath forbear? Me, the chief of sinners spare?

I have long with stood His grace, Long provoked Him to His face,
Would not hearken to His calls, Grieved Him by a thousand falls.

Jesus, answer from above: Is not all Thy nature love?
Wilt Thou not the wrong forget? Lo, I fall before Thy feet.

Lord, incline me to repent; Let me now my fall lament;
Deeply my revolt deplore; Weep, believe, and sin no more.

- Charles Wesley, 1707-1788


(. . .i'm wretched, so utterly wretched
wholly underserving of your grace
have mercy on your servant oh Lord
take pity on this deplorable sight. . . )

home sweet home

i was looking through some pictures .. and all i could think of was how much i miss home.. .. i miss victoria so much.. i wish i could leave everything right now and be home . there's a pit in my heart everytime i look at pictures from the past... knowing i can never go back.. not only that, but knowing that i won't be seeing them for so long.

.

my heart aches thinking about what is and isn't to come.

something beautiful..

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see
Give me reason to believe
Never leave me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine
It so easily defines me
Do you see it on my face?
And all I can think about
Is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

And I'm still fighting for the
Word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look
In your eyes, you'll stare right
Back down into something beautiful

matthew 5:13-14

it's foolish to think that being 'saved' is easy as pie, that it's simple becoming a Christian - ya know, all you have to do is say a quick prayer confessing your sins, and declaring Jesus as Lord and Saviour.

Looking at verses 13 and 14 of Matthew 5; we see that these 2 verses reach the pinnacle/climax of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. "Enter in the narrow gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be who go in that way; because narrow is the gate, and hard is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."

it all comes down to one word: CHOOSE

He's asking us to make the ultimate choice, to which path we'll take, to which destination we'll end up in: life or destruction. Seeing as his audience was made up of mainly Jews (believing Jews at that, among whom were the Pharisees), we know Jesus was not addressing the contrast between Christians and Pagans; rather, he was talking to 'Christians' alike! Both roads, the wide and the narrow, are marked as "The Way to Heaven" (i mean why would Satan mark the road to destruction as Hell? that wouldn't be tactful of him) .. So Jesus is contrasting between divine righteousness and human righteousness, as opposed to blatant unrighteousness. So what is Jesus calling us to do? well, he wants to bring us to that point where we realize that in our flesh, we are completely and utterly incapable of pleasing God. He wants us to be in desperation for him, with a broken spirit, meek and mournful. He wants us to cry out for righteousness from the one and only source that provides it, from God himself.

BUT.

its not just about that choice. often the fine print is overlooked. the fine print of 2 simple words: Follow Through

In order to enter the Kingdom we need to come on the terms Jesus described. to abandon our self-righteousness so we see ourselves as beggars in spirit (Matthew 5:3), mourning over our sin (Matthew 5:4), meek before a Holy God (Matthew 5:5), and hungering and thirsting for righteousness (Matthew 5:6). God wants us to strive wholeheartedly to enter that narrow gate as it says in Luke 13:24 "Strive to enter through the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able"

The word 'Strive' is the Greek word agonizomai, which means "to agonize." This word is used in 1Corinthians 9:25 to speak of the athlete who agonizes to win a victory. Not only that, but looking at 1 Timothy 6:12 it says "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

The Kingdom is for those who seek it with all their hearts; its for those who agonize to enter it; for those who mourn in meekness, hunger and thirst for righteousness, and long for God to change their lives. He wants us to be utterly dependant solely on Him. ya, to be as dependant as a child is.. as in Matthew 18:3.

Our generation has become an age of laziness. we're a generation who always looks for those quick-fixes, those instant-everything's. But when it concerns salvation, we canNOT be lazy. there is no quick-fix, as in, one cannot expect to be saved and on that path to life just because he or she believes and prays. granted there is nothing wrong with believing and praying, but those things in itself do not guaruntee salvation.. for even the Devil believes, and what about the Pharisees! Verses 13 & 14 of Matthew 5 is incredibly scary when you think about it. Many many 'christians' believe they're on that road to life, yet as Jesus points out, many seek and few will find... many will be deceived and enter that broad road labelled "The True Way to Heaven" when all along they're headed to destruction.

so words to myself as a reminder.. Beware . continually understand that I am nothing, absolutely nothing.. and only through my Father am i made into something......

drummergal

I forget who i was talking to, but a conversation popped up where we were debating the hottest/coolest/(dare-i-say)sexiest instrument known to man. apparently for many, the saxophone (i.e. the saxomaphone) is pretty high up there on the 'hot' list. but for me, just give me someone who plays the guitar or drums, and i'm good right there! I think i look up to all those who play these instruments mainly cuz i've always wanted to play them myself.. but never really got around to doing so. that was of course until i learned to play the drums as of late!! today was my debut as drummergal on the worship team. to be perfectly honest, there were a whole lotta extra-beats, lost-beats, wrong-beats, and the occasional right beats here and there, not only that, but apparently my timing was as if i was doing the 100m dash to the finish line or something. quite the sporadic drummer, yet Lily was convinced I'd been drumming my whole life :) --> cool

but ya, my goal is to become a stable drummer so that come september i'll be able to fill in here and there. since Aaron is leaving kcac, we'll be down with only 1 drummer.. and even that drummer might not be here in the fall. we'll see how God's plan unfolds, but it never hurts to be prepared, to oil up the lamp and get ready for night.

i love you.

what do those 3 seemingly simple words actually signify? how much do i really mean everytime i utter that phrase? how much of my heart is really in it? as it says in matthew 5, let your yes be yes, and your no be no... so every single thing that comes out of my mouth needs to be packed with promise, intent, and integrity. How can one go about using "I love you" so freely when in their hearts they truly don't care. this phrase has become so overused in our world that its true meaning is callused and lost in a sea of oblivion. I too can be grouped into this bunch of hardened hearts. do i love when i say i love? am i there for him or her when help is needed? would i drop everything for the sake of this person? do i care as much as i say i do?

... the thing i realized as of late is that NO person on earth can ever ever EVER say 'I Love You' unless he or she has experienced continual Love - Perfect love - that from God our Father in Heaven. I bold continual because that word is CRUCIAL to Christians, to us.. to me.. yes, Christians have all experienced God's love one time or another throughout their lives. But it's that moment where it hits you, that moment where suddenly the storm clouds lift and the sun peaks through, its that epiphany that transforms your life for eternity. Ya, its at that moment where we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Saviour because of the love we experienced firsthand from him. Do you remember the feeling? not only that but the true understanding that came with the feeling -- the understanding of how HUGE his love was for us, that all we could do was overflow with his love, and spill it to all those around us. God doesn't want us to reflect his love, he wants us to overflow with his love, like lava bursting out from a volcanoe, consuming and covering all that it comes in contact with. so how then can we love if we are not replenished by the ultimate source of love? if we do not experience his love continually, our love consequently will dry out like the famine-stricken land - cracked, dead. We hear it time and time again: We love because God first Loved Us. It is that continual returning to the cross day-in day-out, not only that but even every single minute of each hour, where we are open to receive what he has to say to us, open to receive the love he so freely gives.. then will we be able to say "I love you" with true, pure, and perfect meaning.

ya i guess this is just a reminder to myself by putting my thoughts down into words. a reminder not to cheapen my Father's love for me by using that oh-so-often-used-phrase "I Love You" without backed meaning.

Nothing but the truth.

I was listening to John MacArthur earlier today, and some of the things he said really sparked my interest! One of his talks "The Doctrine of Scripture" speaks on the validity of the claims of God's Word. Two points I especially took notice of was how science and prophecy testify the truth of the Word.

Testimony of Science

Hydrology

Hydrology is the branch of science that studies the waters of the earth. In the hydrologic cycle, water evaporates into the atmosphere and is redeposited onto the earth in the form of rain or snow. That precipitation feeds rivers, which flow into the ocean. Evaporation from the ocean forms clouds, from which precipitation falls on the land, and the cycle repeats itself.

The science of hydrology was founded in the seventeenth century by Mariotte, Perrault, and Halley, but the hydrologic cycle is clearly described in Scripture:

1. Ecclesiastes 1:7--"All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full." (That's because of the hydrologic cycle)

2. Job 36:27-28--"He [God] draws up the drops of water, they distill rain from the mist, which the clouds pour down, they drip upon man abundantly" (NASB).

3. Psalm 135:7--"He causeth the vapors to ascend from the ends of the earth; he maketh lightnings for the rain." (This verse speaks of evaporation and precipitation)

4. Job 26:8--"He bindeth up the waters in his thick clouds; and the cloud is not torn under them." (This verse speaks of the formation of clouds by condensation)

Astronomy

In Psalm 19:6, the psalmist refers to the sun when saying "His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it; and there is nothing hidden from the heat thereof." Long ago it was thought that the sun was stationary, yet it is now known that the sun, along with other stars in our galaxy revolve around the center of the galaxy. Astronomy books currently teach that the sun completes one such circuit every 250 million years! God knew this before we did because he created this world and the universe we live in.

Looking at Job 26:7, it says "He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing" Already, God talks about gravity in the Bible! This in itself is a huge testimony for the validity of the Word! Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity, the Hindu taught that the earth was balanced on the back of an elephant that rested on the back of a turtle. Other pagans, such as the Greeks, believed that the mythical Atlas carried the earth on his shoulders. Yet 4000 years ago, the oldest Book in the Bible recorded that the “earth hangs upon nothing.” Just a century ago, scientists believed that the earth was supported by some kind of ether. Today, scientists must admit that Job was correct. The earth does indeed “hang” and even travel through the emptiness of space.

Testimony of Prophecy

Destruction of Nineveh

In Nahum it states that Nineveh will be destroyed by a flood. Nineveh was one massive city with a 100ft. high and 50ft. thick inner wall, with 15 gates and a 150ft. wide moat, not to mention a 7 mile circumference. Massively Huge eh? In 663 B.C., 51 years after Nahum prophesied, the city was no more. Not only that, but the destruction of Nineveh coaligns with "Ab" which was the rainy month. To add, there exists a stratum of pebbles and sand around the site that verfies Nineveh was flooded out. Amazing to say the least!

happy daddy's day!

What Makes a Dad:

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,

He called it ... Dad


...

Thank you Daddy for always seeing me through every single thing i do. it seems like time and time again, you've always been there to pick me up. you find a way to inspire and encourage me to never give up, to tough it out.

I miss you and mom so much. i hate not being able to talk to you as often as before. phone plans are just silly silly. especially mine. But Daddy? I just wanted to say that I miss you TONS, i miss your soothing hugs, i miss your yummy yummy food =P i miss talking to you about nothing and everything, i miss.. well, i just miss you.

Love you Daddy!
Happy Father's Day!

priviledged prayer

this is really random, but God, i just want to thank you for the gift of prayer. I thank you Lord for those 3 precious words: In Jesus' Name

That in itself is such a powerful statement, and Lord I am grateful to be able to utter it. Ya, because it really is a gift from you to me, teach me not to take prayer for granted God. Teach me to fully realize the weight that is carried with those words. To understand the consequences of my sins, and the grace You had for me and all of humanity.. . All so that I and everyone who is reaching out to you can have the priviledge to talk to you, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Elohim of All Time.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

the new & improved Charlies' Angels?

Gangstas from da hood! ..hmm, maybe the sesame street hood?

yum yum! Lamb Korma & Shrimp Phatia --> Delicious to the max!

Dinner at Curry Original: Angela, Cat, Tash, and me

obsolete light.

everytime i look up i see beauty beyond imagination; i lift my hands and i fly to meet him. i feel the rush of wind run past my face, and brightness getting brighter to illuminate my path. and then i look behind me, and beauty disappears. i look behind me, and all this time i was chained down. still chained down to this cruel world. worse, i look up again, and beauty is gone. instead i see altars surrounding me, closing in on me. altars to false gods, false truths. and i see myself paying homage to them, bowing down to them. The beauty is no more, only false beauty groping at my neck, choking life out of me.

...

this is how i have lived my whole life. all this time, i felt like i was flying, yet in reality, i was drowning.. drowning in false hope. my whole life, i've put education, duty, and future before everything else, and unknowingly before God. would I be happy if the road i want to take so badly becomes a dead-end? How would I react? i hate it when people have expectations from you. when people have hope in you and your abilities. when people (especially people you look up to, or strive to be) are so certain you'll end up in destination C. i don't want to let them down. i don't want to let myself down.

...

Ironic how one of my favourite songs speaks exactly of what I've failed to do. Surrending All.


I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

Words and Music by Marc James/©2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

...

Lord, i so want to give up my future to you. I want to surrender my life's course to you and you alone. It's hard God. It's so hard to let go of the things i've embraced my whole life. Help me Lord. Help me to take it one day at a time.. etch those words from the song above into my heart.. and when future becomes present, may i be content with your will.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Galations 5:22-23

Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Revelation 14:13 "And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them."

Matthew 21:19 "And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away."

Matthew 3:10 "And now also the axe is laid unto the root of the trees: therefore every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire."


The fruit of the Spirit is a gift from God. There are nine fruits mentioned in the fifth chapter of Galations. The fruit (singular) of the Spirit is the work of the Holy Spirit within us. It is not just something we can gain on our own. It is something we attain only by joining our lives to Christ, by loving Him, by imitating Him and by remaining close to Him. Although our works don't save us, Revelations 14:13 says they do follow us. What we do is important. How we act, the way we conduct ourselves on a day to day basis, reflects on the name of Christ if we call ourselves Christians. It's so important to build the nine fruits of the Spirit as solid as you can build them into your character and practice them in your everyday life. Bearing fruit was so important to Jesus that he put a curse on the fig tree that didn't bear fruit so that it couldn't bear any more figs and it withered up and died. Matthew 3:10 says every tree that doesn't bear good fruit would be cut down and burned.

...

Love - for me to accept everyone as they are, not to judge or make preconceptions before even meeting the person

Joy - for me to have continual joy through the Spirit, even when I'm in despair, even when I feel I've lost all

Patience - for me to step out of my shoes and understand how others think, how others feel; not to have such high expectations for people, but rather to accept what I'm given

Kindness - for me to not only take notice of those in need, but to ACT on it

Goodness - for me to be filled inside with the Holy Spirit and the Living Word, so that everything coming out of me is wholly and completely good like all that which comes from the Father

Faithfulness - for my faith to stand still and strong like the mountain, and not to wax and wane like the moon; for me to be deeply rooted in the Living Word and the Living God so that even if a hurricane comes I will still stand tall

Gentleness - for me to practice meekness; to be humble in the sight of God, not only that, but to be humble in the sight of man; not to be proud of anything, but to recognize all I have, all I can do, is because of God's grace

Self-control - for me to say No and act upon it; for me not to waste time with useless things, but to focus on that which is most important

...dreams...

Are dreams actually a manifestation of whats inside our heart? inside our subconscious? Today I took a nap after church, and I dreamt a long dream. It felt so real. I dreamt about something I never ever saw myself doing. And worst yet, I felt a part of that fictitious world.. i felt i belonged.. and i liked it.

It wasn't until my mom called when I awoke. Its as if she saved me from my dream. I was lost in this dark labyrinth of an other life until she called. Yet even though I was awake, I still remembered everything I dreamt about. And worse , the same stagnant feeling was with me. I awoke with that horrible feeling of emptiness, lost hope, hollowness. It was horrible. I don't think I like dreams anymore. They're when you're at your weakest. You have no control; all is let loose for the devil to toy with you.

God protect me please. Send your angels to guard my mind, my heart, my soul, my every being! Whether in the conscious world or the subconscious world, please Lord, protect me. I am weak, so incredibly weak without you. Lord, I know I'm crippled without your support, and I am nothing without your love. Please, embrace me with your love and grace that I may be made whole forever and eternity.
Amen.

...

Lord, my trust is in YOU and you ALONE!
Why? Because you are my refuge when I'm weak;
My shelter from the storm;
You've always wiped away my tears;
You've returned all my wasted years;
You're my Father and Healer when I'm broken,
You constantly bring peace to my madness, and comfort for my sadness;
Lord, you're my Fountain when I'm thirsty,
and you're my Lover every single time I feel lonely;
You're My God.
My Hayotzer.
My Avi HaKavod.
My Abba.

. and that is why I put my trust in You, Elohim of All time .

Worship

Most people go to church for what they can get out of it - whether it be to get something out of the music, or out of the sermon, or just to get blessed. However, the music and the sermon aren’t ends in themselves, they are but stimuli causing us to worship God.

We go to church to worship God, and that’s done by giving, not getting. We go to offer something to Him, not to receive from Him. There is blessing in giving, for it says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). So, worship is giving to God, not getting.

The common New Testament word for worship is [proskuneo], which means “to kiss toward, to bow down, to prostrate oneself.” The idea of worship is that one prostrates himself before a superior being with a sense of respect, awe, reverence, honor, and homage. In a Christian context, we simply apply this to God and prostrate ourselves before Him in respect and honor, paying Him the glory due His superior being.

Essentially, then, worship is giving - giving honor and respect to God. That is why we as Christians gather together on Sunday. We don’t gather to give respect to the preacher or those in the choir, we gather to give honour to God. The sermon and the music are just to be the stimuli that create the desire in our hearts to honor Him.

...

So today I led worship for the first time. I was extremely nervous - and even that is an understatement. When I'm singing, I feel free. I close my eyes, and its just Him and Me. When I sing, I don't feel eyes watching me, I don't feel as if I'm under a microscope. This is because the whole entire congregation sings as one voice, same words, same notes, same thoughts; we all blend in unison. However, when I pray or when I talk, I feel like all eyes are on me, or rather all ears are on me, and because of that nervousness creeps in, words become a jumble in my head, thoughts become cloudy, and I don't know what to say. You'd think that with 10+ years of music festival, stage fright would be wiped out of my dictionary, but nope. despite all those years, I felt the same stage fright I felt when I was 9 years old out on some big stage in some big university playing my tiny violin. It felt the same. Well not completely. But I was nervous today. I just pray with time, I'll get accustomed to leading. That I'll become more confidant in the words I say, and not let the congregation's hearing ears hinder me.

smooth to the max

As I was walking home today from the library, there were these 4 guys who were passing around a frisbee on Division . So guy #1 passes the frisbee to guy #2 who couldn't seem to get his hand around that flat disc, but lo and behold right behind him there's ME trekking along at my usual slow pace. So as I'm walking down that street listening to Jim Brickman on my mp3, I notice this disc flying at me, and I oh-so-smoothly raise my left hand and catch the thing! Yes, single-handedly! that oh-so-smooth catch was then followed by ooh's and aah's and yes, even clapping. I couldn't help but smile :)

...

It turns out this Sunday I'll be leading worship for the 1st time in my life. To be completely honest, I don't feel ready; if anything I feel scared and wholly insufficient for the role. I don't know the first thing about leading a congregation into God's presence, to assist them in TRUE worship - worship that is in spirit and truth, an offering of not just the words we sing, but of everything in our sole being which proclaims wholeheartedly the truths found in those lyrics - something that is beautiful and pleasing to God. Can I really do that? But then again, week after week when I help with worship, I'm 100% sure that is is by God's grace that I can play or sing. I know that without Him and the talents he's given me, I'd be nothing, I'd do nothing, and worst of all I'd feel nothing. So maybe leading worship aint that bad? Seeing as God will be with me through and through. And maybe this is just God's way of telling me to step up to the plate, to start training now in order to prepare for whats to come in the future. But still, I can't help but feel a tad bit apprehensive about Sunday... about not being able to step up to that oh-so-high plate..

not cool.

i hate hate hate awkward meetings. its just no fun. you feel like a lill helpless sheep about to be fed to the lions! you feel silly and out of place, like you just don't belong there. its especially worse when you're by yourself and the other 2 people are with their whole crew of friends whom you don't know... let alone not knowing those 2 people all that well to begin with. and then comes the forced conversation with all 7 of their crew listening in. your basic questions.. and then silence. awkward awkward awkward. i hate that feeling. its just not cool.

on another note today is 06/06/06 .. silly how there's so much hype about it. but i learned something new today. Apparently there's a Black Pope! (who is in essence the anti-Pope) The Black Pope, also known as Peter Gilmore, is the head of the Church of Satan. and believe it or not, the church of satan does NOT worship the devil. In fact they've got NOTHING to do with the satan as christians know him to be. Satan in hebrew means 'adversary' ... so in other words Satanism celebrates the atheistic view; they are anti-religion and hedonists! They believe in no form of deity or after-life. All they believe in is making the most out of their lives, living it to the fullest.. thats it. different from what you'd expect eh?

The big, the bad, and the ugly

Wow. So Kenneth E. Hagin, the author of those infamous Spiritual Growth Series, is a heretic. How scary is that? He's the 'father' of the so-called Word-Faith Movement (WFM)... teaching that Christians can essentially claim anything in the name of Jesus. its also known as the 'name-it, claim-it' doctrine... so in other words, UBER sketchiness! Yet there really is a thin and delicate line between what is Ungodly and what IS godly. So thin, that the majority of us commonfolk could easily be swayed or brought up via the 'heretic' way. Despite alarm bells ringing off when I was reading through his bible studies, if Jon hadn't informed me about Hagin today, I would've still been letting his words soak into my brain and into my heart! Scary to think I was that close to taking in something whose validity of authority and truth is in serious doubt; not to mention the huge question mark behind its authorship.

That "H" word is so incredibly charged. No one in their right mind would want to be tagged by that word. Yet at the same time those who deny it the most can also be the ones who are so blinded as to completely warp the word of God. They are usually the stubborn well-learned ones (maybe not so well-learned)... but rather those who get too accustomed to their own beliefs or interpretations of the Word; those who are so narrow-minded as to not see the other possibilities which may end up being the greater of the truths.

I don't believe a heretic does his or her 'thang' on purpose (with the exception of those certain few). if anything, its stubborness from turning their head towards the even greater truth. Seeing things in that light makes the picture seem quite daunting. For all we know, we OURselves could be the false prophets.. even with good intentions... but bottom line False Prophets! For example, take Hananiah in the book of Jeremiah. Scary to think he was so self-assured not to mention God-assured in his contradictory message from that of the prophet Jeremiah. Yet in the end, he was wrong and subsequently was "removed from the face of the Earth" and within that same year he "died because he preached rebellion against the Lord"

Another thing to mention is the heresy of Modalism. I didn't know it before, but I was always taught ever since i was a youngen to believe in the Trinity as each head having its own purpose. i.e. Holy Spirit ==> purpose in sanctification/conviction/empowerment.... Jesus ==> purpose in redemption..... Father ==> purpose in creation. Yet this is actually a heresy seeing as God exists as the triune God, each head in perfect communion with each other; so no restricting/limiting purposes to confine each figurehead of the Trinity.

Scary stuff eh? how easy it seems to cross over that line into the "H"-realm.

!! Happy Birthday Meiqi !!

girls definitely read into things way too deeply. well, most girls anyways. (and i think i fall into that category..)

on another note, today was meiqi's 20th birthday :)
we surprised her big time! everything was beautifully perfect. picture this: you open your door to find this dark hallway littered with balloons scattered here and there, and at the end, is a gorgeous chocolate cake, lit with 20 glowing candles. perfect eh? the funny and sad part was that we waited TWO WHOLE hours for her to come home!! we were all sitting on that couch taking turns as "lookout" aka watchdog post. twas some good times though! and great conversation too! for example, we were talking about homosexuality, nature vs nurture.. meiqi had a friend who worked in a lab with budgies, and APPARENTLY one can induce homosexuality on these birds. so, if a female budgie were in a cage with another female, they'd become lesbians... yet if those 2 same females were separated and put into another cage with a Male, then they'd become heterosexual. looking at that case, what does it say about humanity and sexuality? nature? are we born with the genes which writes off our sexuality? or.. are we nurtured in such a way as to promote our type of sexuality? interesting eh? are humans so impressionable as to have our essence - our sexuality - as a male or female to be shaped and molded by the media? literature? society?

something to think about..

Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself

Love your neighbour as yourself.

easier said than done.

earlier today, at the end of my morning jog, there were two old men by that wharf, maybe in their early 50s or late 40s. i believe they were homeless gentlemen, or lived in a shelter, carrying all their necessities on their backs. i was doing my devotions then, and one of them came up to me and asked for help. their radio wasn't working, and they wondered if i could fix it. so i tried, i really didn't mind at all. and after a lill while, it started working. then the guy (his name was Larry) went back to his friend. a few minutes later, his friend came up to me . now if i were a boy, i would have been less cautious.. but i started getting a bit creeped out. partly cuz i'm a girl, partly cuz these 2 guys honestly looked quite sketchy, and partly cuz i was in a pretty desolate area... so if i screamed there would be no one to hear me.

what especially triggered my worry? it was when the friend came up to me and said out of the blue that the guy named Larry had the "hots for me" . so alarm bells starting ringing, and i was freaking out inside. all i could think of was "GET OUT OF THERE QUICK" . Don't get into any trouble. RUN!

And then the friend introduced himself; he held his hand out to shake mine .. cuz well, its custom . and i honestly did not want to shake his hand. i hesitated for a split second, but i gave in afterwards. i mean, when you think about it, you'd be asking for more trouble if you took the other route. but the fact that i hesitated is saddening. something that stuck out in my mind was when the friend told me just before I left that they were good people, and that I had no reason to feel afraid or worried. this brought up 2 points in my head: (1) they could tell i was uncomfortable in that situation... so in other words, they knew i was judging them and making assumptions based on their appearances. (2) Jesus befriended the very least of us during his reign on Earth - meaning the beggars, the prostitutes, the lowest of the lows on the foodchain of mankind.

So if we are called to be like Jesus, if we are called to "love thy neighbor as thyself" why didn't i do it? i judged just like the Pharisees. there was no heart of understanding, compassion, or love. all i felt was fear, and all i wanted was to be done with them at the earliest possible moment. what kind of love am i showing there? ..it then got me thinking. what about charity? when we give to the poor --> wouldn't that action come from a heart of understanding, compassion and love? well, i say no. that sounds somewhat skeptical.. but charity is so incredibly impersonal. yes, you give to the poor, but you're not befriending them. you help them on more of a once-in-your-lifetime sort of deal - not expecting to ever see them again. but we're not called to do that. Jesus didn't do that. he's asking so much more from us. so much, that i doubt i can offer a portion of it.

if given this whole situation by the lake again, i'd do the exact same thing... or i might not have even gone there at all. i know my parents would definitely not have wanted me there; they probably don't ever want me jogging by myself anymore. it is one thing to show love ... but it is another to be naive to the point where you're endangering your own self. then the question still persists: what would Jesus do? and does that apply to my situation? especially seeing as he was a man, and i am still a girl. did i dissapoint my father in heaven today? i think i did. i know i did.

so my prayer is this: Lord teach me to love as you have loved. Allow me to be the salt and light of this world as you have called your people to be. Let me not be afraid, for you are with me, and you will protect me. Lord give me the strength and courage to see beyond the surface straight to the heart that is yearning for you. I pray all these things in your Son's most precious name, Amen.

데이지

My favourite flower: 데이지

i heart you music

i love music. i plain and simply love it. when you hear an earth shattering chord progression along with heart wrenching lyrics, your whole soul and being just soars above absolutely everything. its as if you're lifted up into the clouds of gravity defying heights. and you reach a euphoric peak where every thought, every thing, everyone just melts away. Music is the key to the lock of chains tying all of us down to Earth. Music unleashes the soul and frees the spirit.

some people say that Christians can only worship God in songs of praise only and only if there are lyrics. for without lyrics, there is nothing connecting the song to God. I disagree wholeheartedly. Music is a gift from God. that we are able to make beautiful (or even not so beautiful) sounds from within our body is a miracle in itself. if anything, i witness God's greatness when i hear classical music. many composers were religious. Take J.S. Bach for example who was a grounded Lutheran. He clearly saw God and was able to write what I think are God-inspired works of art. take his brandenburg concertos, or even the well-tempered clavier - there is such intellectual depth and artistic beauty that is almost divine. Same with Beethoven. At the age of 30, his hearing began to become impaired. imagine. he was unable to hear his own creations, he couldn't hear the chirping of birds or the rustling wind through trees. he heard nothing. silence. yet through all this time of trial he never ceased composing. Even on his death-bed he sketched a new symphony. from his Late piano sonatas to his 9th and last symphony mankind has witnessed his genius. a genius no man could ever tap. why? it was because in silence he had faith in God, and continued to compose in the midst of growing doubt. i truly believe Beethoven's greatest works were near the end of his life. this was when he began to see clearly through the originally fuzzy lens. he began to witness firsthand God's true glory. and it is this glory that he portrays in his music. no words can describe the beauty, the depth, the passion, the love, and the hope that is written in those seemingly lifeless black dots and lines on some flimsy manuscript paper.

music reaches the deepest pits of our very being. music is God's gift. it is his arms extending down to us, embracing us, speaking to us. music is the greatest gift we could ever ask for. . and i love music .

mush talk

there is no stronger earthly bond than family.

Thank you Daddy - You've always been my wall, supporting me, most of the times without my knowing.

Thank you Mommy - you're my emotional outlet; not only that you really are my best friend :)

Thank you Michael - i'm too dependant on you michael; you've always guided me in life. you've always encouraged me to strive for the best, to go for my dreams

Thank you David - whether you know it or not, you've taught me so much about life in general, about growing up, becoming an adult, and most of all you've taught me to never give up when things aren't going my way


and then there's one last member of our family :) the most important member of course:

Thank you GOD! - you hold this family within the palm of your hand. you've seen all of us through thick and thin. you've carried us through all sorrow and through all joy. Thank you God for being our ultimate father, our everlasting ruler and our all-knowing guide

i feel the walls closing in. i can't breathe anymore. it hurts just thinking about the past, the present, and the future. i can't see anything or focus.. all i see is a blank abyss of nothingness and hopelessness. is this my calling. God whats your plan for me? am i to go about it the tough route? it just hurts . it hurts so much. i feel disillusioned that all this really isn't happening. God, i know i must trust in you at all times and you will make my paths straight, but Lord, i can't help but feel torn away and abandoned. where are you? can't you just pick me up and push me along? and if you are, why can't i feel it? so i still float in these neverending, neverbeginning waters ... stagnant, placid, unmoving.. waiting.. just waiting ..

you're here

Somewhere in the silence I can hear your broken voice
Like a radio station fading out of range
Somewhere in the crowd from the corner of my eye
I thought that I could feel you walking by
And when I get this feeling like I am not so strong
I still can feel you with me
You've been there all along

Happy Mommy's Day

She is more than the beauty you see,
Unbelievable depths under her quiet dignity.

She is powerful, opinionated and firey,
She has always had the power to inspire me.

She exudes a calm like no one else I know,
Until the dam breaks and the raw emotions flow.

She is a teacher, a confidante, a friend like no other,
She is even greater than all these,

She is My Mother.

Happy Mother's Day Mommy ~

study study study.
4 more hours till i get on with the rest of my life.

Lacking Life

i miss you. i miss the way we used to talk about everything and anything. i miss being an open window to you. i miss praying with you and sharing with you the things that matter most to me. i miss being able to drop by whenever i want. i miss having meals together with you. i miss having you sleepover. i miss hearing you rant, or me ranting to you. i miss poking fun at you.

Thank You Mom!

Just getting off of the phone with my mom, I feel this warm glow in the pit of my stomach. I love my mom so much! She is the most amazing, most patient, most loving, and the kindest woman you could ever meet. If anything, she'd be the definition of selfless and self-sacrificing. All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my Mother! I can only wish to be half the woman she is when I grow up.

Thank you Mom for everything you've done for me and our family. Thank you for being the glue that ties us all together! Thank you for all your love and support through thick and thin! And Thank you for your thousands of prayers for me and our family!

Words of Encouragement

Dream big dreams for God.
Be the best you can for Him.
Don’t be afraid of taking risks.
Don’t settle for the inevitable, when you can believe for the impossible

Enjoy the journey!

Rejoice in the Lord Always!

Rejoice in the Lord Always!!

...

On Easter Sunday 2 days ago, the Kingston Chinese Alliance Church was stoned. Glass was shattered everywhere; Rocks were strewn here and there; and above all, there was a complete heartbroken and joyless silence, an unbearable silence that pervaded the entire church and all within it early that morning.

At first I was in utter shock and disbelief. Then sadness washed over me with the unbearable question of "Why?" Who would even think of doing that to a church? and on Easter Sunday of all days. First theft, now vandalism? Just like the shattered glass, my heart too was shattered for this world, and the faith I had in it. I always believed that we are ALL born as good people, and continue being good deep deep within, no matter how hard the exterior may seem. But that day, my faith in people was crushed. As I was picking up the shattered glass on the floor, the image of Jesus Christ battered, broken, and mutilated on the cross came to the forefront of my mind. Just as the church was physically broken, so was our Lord up on the cross: Physically, Mentally, and spiritually beaten. When I thought about it more, I honestly am no better than those who stoned the church. Each time I sin, Each time I turn the other way, Each time I am indifferent and uncaring, I have thrown a stone into the Church. Each sin is a cut on Christ's body; Each sin has nailed him on that cross.

Yet.. knowing that, we are all made new because of God's Love, and because of that we should rejoice! Our Lord has forgiven our sins yesterday, today, and forever. We are no longer chained to the world, but rather we are free to fly to Him the Most High.
The same Sunday, I had the honour to serve on the Worship Team. Every time I am up there, I feel close to you God. Each time I close my eyes, I'm in my room again, and its just me and you. no one else. I thank you Lord for putting in my heart the joy of singing to you. I can't wait until I'm in heaven with you Lord. I can't wait to sing songs to you day and night without any cracks, without any limiting ranges, and most of all without any fear of not sounding good enough for you. But Thank you God that I can rejoice in You through songs of praise! Hallelujah My Redeemer!

...

Rejoice in the Lord Always!!!

almost there.

I can see the light. my last exam is peeking just around the corner! I'm almost there; can't wait to be home. I need to see family again, I need to see my home church again. I feel like such a baby being so homesick, ooh , just a bit more.

So, this was what my week has been like thus far (exam-wise):
monday = anatomy 215
tuesday = biology 205
wednesday = linear alg 111
friday (tomorrow) = organic chem 281

disgusting? I agree. But like i said, i'm almost DONE! Despite my homesickness, there's still a part of me that wants to stay in kingston. Oh, I've been sucked into loving those highschoolers. Joycie why? lol! we're getting together tomorrow just after my orgo exam, and just before my bus ticket outta here. Its gonna be such a fun nite, gift exchange, fajitas, games games games! I had NO idea what to get DanielO, but ended up sticking with what he requested ==> sour candies. yup, how unoriginal, how boring. but hey, i got an excuse! had no time to shop or to think of an interesting gift, .. joycie even BOUGHT his gift for me! thats how crunched for time i've been lately.

...

throughout this stressful week, i've discovered 2 really cool bands!
1) Death cab for Cutie
2) Kutless

i think i'm really likin emo these days. Dean got me hooked! one song i recommend from death cab :: title & registration <-- i guarantee you'll like it if you're into something subtle & laidback. Now Kutless, they're a christian band, sorta like ReliantK, so in other words, they're AMAZING! I'd classify them as a sorta "rebopunk-gone-good" group (lol if that makes sense). Song for recommendation :: Treason <-- listen.

be still

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

Life is always changing, the world is always moving, but you are CONSTANT!
Teach me to slow everything around me; teach me to be still in your presence

my weekend

Yesterday, I took a long break from this world. It was beautiful having time spent with you God. much needed one on one time. Thank you for renewing my spirit. There are times when I wish I could fastforward life to about 10 years from now, to the time (i believe) everything will be more or less settled in my life.. i.e. i'll have a job, and just maybe i'll have started a family. But when i think about it more and more, life is so precious! Its truly a wonderful gift from God. To take in the delicious smell of autumn; to feel the tingly cold sensation of frost on our skin; to feast our eyes on a magnificent awe-inspiring soul-filling sunset... and to think this beauty is just a mere shadow in comparison to you. I'm blown away!


I want to share a probably insignificant story.. but to me its just further proof of God's divinity!
...
Last night, after House council (which lasted till 2am!) I came home and noticed a book on my shelf. It was one of my brother's: "The case for faith" . I've always heard people quote or use information from this book, but never got around to reading it. So I decided I'd start last night, despite it being late and all, and despite my being very drained from the day. If anyone knows me, they'd know that I have such a difficult time waking up because i always turn off my alarm clock when i sleep! But I really wanted to read, so I released the worry of waking up and left it up to God. I ended up sleeping a bit before 4am.. (normally, i'd be doomed to sleep in) ... but of course, lo and behold, the next morning Joyce calls me out of the blue at 7:40am. She had a dream apparently (where she needed her passport), and woke up all of a sudden to call me. Passport or not, she called! and because of that call, I woke up for worship practice! So thank you Joyce and Thank you God for taking care of me :)


Happy Birthday Mary-Clair!!
L-->R: Nikki, Mary-Clair, me & Vivian!

I feel so tired.
Renew me.
Please.

home is where the heart is

i don't know why.. but i've been missing home so much these days. I miss michael. i miss david. I miss mommy and daddy. Its weird, i never felt this way in 1st year.. but these days, all I can think about is HOME. this past summer, i must've complained a lot.. but when i think about it, i had an awesome summer! why? well mainly cuz i got to see my family.

I'm so excited i FINALLY got a phone plan though. Unlimited long distance across canada! OHHH YEAH :) I'm even more excited about going home this christmas! I feel like such a kid again.

...

Today at bible study, we talked about Martha and Mary in Luke 10:38-42. I relate to Martha so much unfortunately. Just like her, i get bogged down by the little things.. i feel so much pressure though. So many ppl count on me, or rather expect things from me.. i'm finding it harder and harder to deliver. I yearn to be more like Mary - to allow Him to take control of my life, and subsequently all my unfounded worries.

God, teach me to look beyond this world, to things that truly matter, to things that are beautiful and everlasting.
amen.

Anything BUT the Bunnies!!!

Just the other day when i was coming home from UVic, i saw ROADKILL!! Now, in Kingston, its a bit different, cuz despite how i do like fuzzy lill animals, squirrels aren't exactly the cutest of fuzzy creatures. Bunnies on the other hand! Oh they just melt your heart cuz they're so incredibly adorable! Don't you just wanna pick em up and hug em and kiss em! Cute cute cute cute! If you like bunnies, you should definitely come out to Victoria! I mean, they're EVERYWHERE on campus here (kinda like the equivalent of squirrels at queens). Anyways, turning round the corner to exit I saw a bunny just layin there on the road. It was a white bunny with brown splotches, fairly well-fed and round, had the bushiest fluffiest pompom of a tail you could ever imagine, and it just laid there, plopped in the middle of the road with his legs sprawled out like lill tree stumps. How could anyone just run down a bunny like that? If it were me and i had the choice to either (1) Stop, let the bunny run across, but in the process get hit by the car behind me... or (2) Run down that bunny like no tomorrow.. well OF COURSE i'd pick One! I mean we're talking BUNNIES here! Not Squirrels!

ok, enough bout bunnies.. but it really was a CUTE bunny! the cutest of the cutest if you ask me! I would've named him Freddypoo. well, anyways.. right now I'm stuck here in the basement of UVic chem building waiting for my samples to finish analyzing.. and listening to HORRIBLE music! Theres only one radio here from the 60s i swear! and the only station is the UVic station. but i gotta say, its at least better than the queens station! ahh. actually maybe not.. I tell ya though, its just WRONG being in here this late! I mean its almost 9pm! But then again, i shouldn't complain, cuz there are those who stay here till the early hours of morn waiting for their reactions to complete! ouch i say

Oh Look at that!! the spectra's complete! i guess i'm outta here now . But before i go, just remember, if ever you see a lil bunny crossin the street STOP! that is all.

taking care of business?

I always have mixed feelings whenever i hear ppl say "God will take care of everything". Of course i know God gives us strength, but is it right to rely on Him to the extent that we forget to do our part? I mean ya we could put in our 10% and hope for dear life he will literally fight our battles for us.. but NO! Life isn't like that! .. now why am i rambling on like this? Cuz I hate how i've fallen victim to that phrase most of my life! I've been too passive and too comfortable about life. maybe i've been too high in the clouds to realize the reality of things. i've just been doing a lot of thinking these days.. and its not enough to give even 50% and leave the other half to God! We have to give it our 100% cuz its us and not God who does the work here on earth. I'm not even sure what i'm saying is making sense to you.. but it's crystal clear to me right now. I'm just scared of what will happen if i really do giv it my all in life.. will it turn out to be what i expected?

missing Queen's

The second i stepped off the plane, i remembered just why i loved victoria so much -- cuz there's GREEN EVERYWHERE! plus, ppl are hardcore recyclers here - and are FAR more conscientious about their environment (i.e. no stapling things on trees! sheesh! who in their right mind has the NERVE to do that! .. oh ya.. ontario ppl do) :P

I've sorta settled down in Victoria now. I gotta say I really am glad to be back, but i miss queen's people a LOT! I feel like I'm leading two different lives or something.. oh but i do luv my friends here, and its great seeing my parents again! I've been out every day since i got back.. had coffee with some highschool teachers, visited the old hangout places, got a new haircut (no longer look like i'm 5 years old lol!) -- and now i'm ready to take on summer!

Basically, these next 2 weeks are gonna be fourteen whole Fundays (unfortunately without the claps though :( ... next week, i'm off to some kinda cruise which i'm reluctantly obligated to go to .. i dunno, i just think its a waste of time & money if you ask me... will prolly hang out with a book and read.. i'll tell you how it goes