Good vs. Evil

I was reading through mark 3 this morning and verses 11-12 really stood out for me.

"Whenever the evil spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, "You are the Son of God." But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was." mark3:11-12

In the movies we're used to seeing the epic battle play out between good and evil. We know at the bottom of our hearts that in the end good will always triumph. But throughout the movie, we can`t help but feel slightly worried for our hero and ambassador of good. Our hearts tighten, fists clench, and our minds go racing at the wonder of how good could possibly win over evil when they`re always seemingly shorthanded..

This is NOT the case in reality! There is NO close battle between good and evil. Evil has NO upperhand against good. In fact evil never even stood a chance, for the battle has already been won by our Lord Jesus Christ! Even more than that, evil cowers & trembles at the sight of our God. In what movie would the villain obey the hero's orders? none! Only in reality.

And so i sit here greatly encouraged by His great triumph! In Him and through Him we can do ALL things for He has already gone before us and fought the great fight. Therefore how much more shall we be spurred on to walk in the light of our faith through Jesus Christ our Lord :)

"Prayer is not about how big your problems are, it's about how big our God is!" -- Pastor Steve.

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How amazing it is to think that grace upon grace is lavished on us. Not just His saving grace through Christ's death on the cross. No, more than that! We also receive his empowering grace. The same great divine power that raised Christ from the dead is in us (!) - working guiding revealing moulding & empowering all who believe. How I pray I may be able to truly take hold of this promise. May I walk in faith with furious boldness. ..but sometimes I just don't even know what boldness looks like.. please crack my shell, let me out of this cage of safe..

"We are to be spiritual scarecrows, warding away Satan before he has a chance to snatch the seed in our hearts thus preventing growth and fruitfulness" - Pastor Steve

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Today in service it hit me real hard, just how powerful the gospel truly is! Thank you God that through Your Word you have given us all we need in life in regards to direction, how to live & love, more than that, how to ward off Satan, for Your word strengthens, refines, builds, and protects. It is the true truth, no it is the only truth in all the universe. It is more than mere words, it is the POWER of Christ revealed to us for the salvation of all who believe. Your words do more than inform, they transform! And so for that, all I can say is thank you. Continue to search & sieve through my life, empty out my old ways of thinking and being, and transform me to the way of life holy and pleasing to You.

through & through, i am a work in progress.. help me continue to work out my salvation with fear & trembling, for it is You who works in me to will and to act according to Your good purpose phil2:12-13.

so we have this Lifecourse Assignment thingy due on monday, and my brain is going through explosive diarrhea. everything i write is quite crappy lol. actually, maybe its writer's constipation, cuz nothings comin out.. :(
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today we had sunday school training from 10-3pm. before we left in the morning, i took some time to just rethink my sunday school experiences, my childhood experiences, and how HUGE it was for me to learn about Jesus' love. as a sunday school teacher, its too easy to slip into that zone of routine and you start to think that nothing you teach or say will actually make an impact, not an immediate one at least. but oh how wrong that is...

today i saw him. i saw him walk in and my heart stopped for a second. and then the moment passed and i walked away. i guess thats the way life is - things here and there will catch you out of nowhere and you pause for a second, but in the end you can't stay standing still forever, you just have to keep on moving forward.

unfortunately, this week has been one very long pause for me. i just wanted time to stop, and it did in a way. i hermited myself at home, and kind of became enveloped in some sort of state of self-pity while being immobilized by a complete sense of apathy. how sad. but thank God he pulled me out. Finally at the end of it all, i feel like i've found myself. for a second i thought i lost it when i became a child with no voice and no choice. but perhaps instead of seeing things from the bottom of this well, i ought to step out and see the greater picture. God's plan for me is not limited by anything. I ought to stop focusing on that which is not important in the grand scheme of things, even though its kinda hard to do.

thank you housemates. i've been an emotional ball this week. but i think i'm doing better..

I just finished reading Unbreakable, a biography of Steve Cattell, a criminal from Britain who broke free from the chains of addiction - his addiction being to crime.

2 things struck me from this book. (1) how REAL the power of prayer is (& persistance goes a long way). (2) churchianity blows...

Throughout the later part of Steve's life, a friend of his who was an ex-convict now turned born-again Christian, was praying long & hard for Steve. Not only just praying but also preaching and reaching out many arms, arms bearing truth of the gospel and a higher love who was asking him to repent his sins and become clean. He did this so much to the point where Steve kinda got sick of hearing it all, but despite that, those seeds were sown, and Steve at his breaking point decided that maybe just maybe his friend was saying something true and so he tried calling out to God in help. God answered. and through revelation upon revelation, Steve repented and committed his life fully to the work of the Lord.


"so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near." Acts 17:27 Msg


When Steve had become a new Christian, although he & his past lifestyle & current struggle were embraced by the pastor, still the whole congregation would keep him at a comfortable arm's distance from themselves. yes people would say hello and goodbye courteously, but beyond that, nothing. no one extended an arm to him, there were no invitations, and no interest in him & his story & life. he didn't speak Churchinese like the others, he was just different, and so he'd just be left out.. to the point where he'd go home and cry. A full grown man crying! not only that but a convict who had tried so hard his whole life to make his heart stone, to never let anything 'get to him', to not be riddled with emotions which were a sign of weakness; this was the same man who went to bed crying. wow, sad how we can be so cruel without even knowing it.. we try so hard to conform ourselves to Churchianity that we get scared whenever we see anything that's different from us. we forget about Christ and his unfailing love for all, especially for those who never fit into the cookie cutter mold of things.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children -- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. --psalm 103:8-12,17-18

today I got the chance to shadow a Christian doctor who specializes in Addiction Medicine. He's someone I'd classify as a radical Christian, someone who's so strongly rooted in the Word, running against the mainstream current of culture and society. WOW! that's really all i can say about this man. The backstory on this guy: he runs the health center all by himself (which is nuts considering the sheer number of patients he has waiting to see him!), he starts work at 7am in the morning, and finishes around 7-8pm at night, he sees so many patients and is always short for time, yet always makes time for all his patients. More than that, he always makes time to preach the gospel and to pray!

For a long time, i've been struggling with how my calling can be one that is used for His kingdom. I've talked to a few Christian doctors before about this... and it seemed the consensus was: do your job well, show compassion, and heal them.. and maybe just maybe they'll see a difference in you from other doctors, maybe just maybe they'll ask about what you believe in, maybe just maybe you'll get to share your faith... but i'm not one for the maybes. today, i finally got my answer, that yes, indeed we CAN be bold for Him (even in a medicolegal way!).

it was amazing to join the ride on the God-train today and to see God work in these peoples lives. these people who, by society's standards, are considered trash, garbage to be taken out and pushed out of sight. BUT this doctor helped pierce straight through their problems of addiction to the core & root of it all, that God needs to be in their lives. There was this woman who came in today in her late 30s. she's a heroin addict and victim of abuse on the road to recovery. i still remember what she said.

"When you're 16, young and naive, you believe all the lies that life & happiness is all about the sex, the booze, and the drugs, and for a while you truly believe & live the 'good' life, but then there comes a day when you wake up from the nightmare, and all you see is brokeness, pain, a shattered life and a shattered image of who you once were."

we prayed for this woman. for her and her sister who also was led astray to the life of heroin. i remember praying over her and being so taken over with the Spirit that i didn't even know what i was speaking about cuz the words were just coming out of my mouth so fast (usually i'm a slow quiet ponderer of a prayerer). But wow, today I saw 2 women come to Christ right there! After prayer, tears of joy were rolling from their eyes, knowing that yes we are made new & clean & beautiful through Christ's blood shed for us. More than that, all the lies and the grip that heroin holds on them is something that is conquerable, conquerable through Christ!

There were a lot of other God moments that happened today in the center. For example, this one homeless girl who's been hopping from shelter to shelter, and who's life for a long while now has been claimed by heroin came in today. After giving her life to the Lord 10 days ago, her life has done a 180 turn! she found a job, found a place to live, and is now receiving treatment to get her addiction under control. WOW! we prayed with her and just shared in our joy for her life that has been so miraculously transformed!

this and more, that is why just thinking through the day, i couldn't and can't help but be overflowing with pure joy knowing that God is doing amazing things, that He is Good, REALLY Good, and truly Sovereign even in the most seemingly hopeless lives.

today reminded me that,

it's not about medicine.
it's all about His work, His mission, His kingdom here on earth.

it's not about me.
it's all about Him!

!Praise God in all that He does despite all we lack!

in midst of all this studying its so easy to lose sight of the bigger picture...
*sigh
but thank you friend for all your encouragement :)
Father how I pray you'd consume the entirety of my mind and heart and soul (!)

It's final, I'm here for good, err... at least for a while now.

rejection is never easy to hear. a part of you wonders and doubts yourself and who you are as a person and whether or not you're 'good' enough. and you begin to think to yourself, what's wrong with me? why her, why him, yet why not me? all these questions swirl in your head and for a moment its easy to give in to thinking that perhaps I'm not good enough, perhaps i'll never be good enough. and before you take notice, these thoughts start eating away at you, and so you stomp your foot down in retaliation to stop these thoughts from flowing in.


I am who He made me to be. (even in all i lack)
I am where He wanted me to be. (even though my heart aches to be home)
I am doing what He wanted me to do. (even though I'm struggling to stay afloat)

and so, praise be to God, Creator & Maker of all things, who knows and sees and wills all things into being.

5 days left.

I haven't been allowing myself to think about the possibility of leaving here. But there are moments that come and go, where I yearn so deeply to go back. Yet at the same time, I've slowly but surely (and with much initial inner hesitation) allowed myself to let my roots grow deeper and deeper here. I close my eyes and see two different roads before me, each leading away from each other. But I look a bit further and am at peace knowing that although these roads may diverge at this point in my life, they will meet up again. For although location may or may not change, that doesn't change the Lord's plan for my life. For it is Him who leads me on this path of life. Even though I may not know what tomorrow brings, it is He who has been and will always be my guide, who will keep me from falling and keep me close to His heart so that surely goodness and mercy will follow me all of my days. What a comforting promise indeed! :)

Yesterday, a friend from Queen's who's doing YWAM training in the goldcoast, came to visit Eleasa and I up here in Brisbane. It was wonderful seeing him - my face completely lit up and a whole flood of memories from my kingston days resurfaced again. Hearing all his stories and seeing how God has been working through him and revealing himself so clearly to him greatly encouraged me. I was reminded yet again that our God is the GREAT God from ages past, who is who He is, able to do all things miraculous and wonderful, whose mighty power was not just a thing of the past, but rather He is God with us, working to this day to make His presence known and bring glory to His name. :) How awesome!

God is good :)
so very very good :)

despite not knowing where we'll be going (immediately or further in the future), Thank God we can be certain in Him and our ultimate path no matter what, for there is certainty within uncertainty in this world. What a delight that is to know :)

"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

thoughts...

Abandoning myself to God means refusing to have the luxury of asking questions.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing grander than having a life that is hid with Christ in God.

I am blocked from complete abandonment perhaps because of disobedience or because I refuse to be simple enough.

again... it all comes down to:
God loves me.
Therefore I love God.

To be completely abandoned to Him means to know and understand the depth of who He is and what He has done for me, and then for me to act accordingly in response to that.

At the core of Christian living, it is faith. But being a Christian is more than just having faith. It's chasing after obedience and holiness, and as a result of that, a fruitful well-grounded way of life grows out from our rooted faith. More specifically, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love become increasingly more evident in our lives.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:5-8

"Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall" 2 Peter 1:10

I pray I may be diligent, unceasing & relentlessly persistent in adding to my faith, not backsliding towards apathy, complacency, self-righteousness, pride, or a crumbling faith built on sand with only love for myself and no one else...

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"Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny."

- Samuel Smiles

In the past, these 4 lines written above gave me peace and reassurance. However, over this weekend, these lines kept on popping up in my head, but for different reasons, for a different purpose this time. They challenged me to open my eyes yet again, and see exactly WHO I am and WHY I am on this earth. I am His. I am here for Him. It's so simple. Yet, how could I forget? How could I give Him anything less than 100% of my entire being? I truly yearn to know His Word inside out, to be living a life glorifying to Him, to be reaching out and bringing people into His kingdom, to reignite that sense of burden in being so deeply moved to share the gospel with a friend or a stranger. I yearn for God to use me fully and for me to be recklessly and wholly abandoned to His will.

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Everything comes secondary to the will of God and His Kingdom here on earth. I pray that my passion in life would be solely that and that alone. Lord, let Thy kingdom come, and let Your will be done on earth and throughout my life.

During stress-inducing moments of anxiety, Lord let me lean on You alone. May I humble myself knowing full well that my life is completely under Your mighty hand. May I stand firm knowing full well that I am not alone,but rather I am surrounded by grace. Restore me Lord, build my faith upon rock, deeply root my mind and spirit into Your truth, and lead me to the life everlasting.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -- 1 Peter 5:6-10

I need to be more mindful of what I do, what I say, how I come off to others, so that in all things God may be praised!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:10-11

"Frida: Chosen to Die, Destined to Live." These past few days, I've been allowing myself to escape into the life of Gashumba Frida, a survivor of the Rwandan genocide. Quite often, I find myself separating head and heart when it comes to reading about the atrocities of this world. It's easy to look at 'history' and separate one's self from it, for its just something written on paper, something that has no immediate effect on me, something that is too distant to fully comprehend or fully care. As a result, 'history' just becomes facts or statistics, and the full flood of weight that it bears is lost.

However, yesterday as I was reading, I broke into sobs and was unable to stop the tears from flowing down my face. To imagine that the red line between Hutus and Tutsis caused neighbours to turn against neighbours, friends against friends, even to see "Christians" killing other Christians.. it all sickened me to the core and made me want to throw up. And then for a father to witness his whole family die before him, that thought was what opened the floodgates for me. I can't imagine how any human being could be so... monstrous, so evil, so disgustingly inhuman to kill even grandmothers, grandfathers, pregnant mothers, children, and even babies... worse than that, they did it so cruelly, trying to inflict as much pain as possible. Yet despite this, there were people like Frida's grandfather who started singing hymns while being marched towards death's door, who had faith in God till the very bloody end, who even preached the gospel of God's grace through His Son Jesus Christ to his murderers.

I close my eyes, and place myself in midst of the Rwandan genocide, and all I can do is cry. What horrible creatures we are! That we are capable of such immense evil is revolting and saddening. If anything, it shows how much we need God in our lives; for without God all that is left is evil and we become deplorable creatures with no sense of conscience, no heart, no soul, and worst of all.. no hope.

"Take the good out of the murky"

It's not good to care so much about our outward selves, that we forget our inward selves. Then again its not good to not care about our outward selves such that we don't even respect our body or appreciate the beauty that we are part of God's creation. The answer is not black and white. Wearing bummy clothes and never combing our hair is not what Peter's asking. He's asking that we remember where our TRUE beauty lies; he's asking us to examine ourselves and ask the tough questions 'Does outward beauty matter more than inward beauty to us?', 'Are we putting more effort inwards than we do outwards?'. Really it all boils down to one question, 'Where do our hearts lie? In ourselves or in God?'

Therefore its good to love our outward selves and appreciate the fact that we are God's creation, while seeking and searching to conform our inward selves to the beauty of Christ-likeness through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

Who am I?

I am God's.

That's who I am.

What a liberating and comforting thought. Therefore, in tough times, I ought to bear it and endure it, all the while placing my trust completely in Him who sits enthroned above.

"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" - 1 Peter 2:9

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls" - 1 Peter 2:23-25

I remember a time when being filled to the brim with joy was such a huge part of who I was as a Christian. That was then, and here I am now, trying to re-light this dampened wick to my soul. I truly do wish to get back to being filled with an "inexpressible and glorious joy" for having received salvation and for being filled with the Holy Spirit.

I think often times, I downplay the role of the Spirit in my life. Yet what a tragedy. For the Spirit convicts our hearts, transforms our minds, empowers us and keeps us in step with God bestowing unto us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And so today I pray to the Spirit to fill my heart again with joy, true joy in having my hope fully set on the grace given to me through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"Christian life is all about plodding". I know that it's okay to have 'bleh' days and 'bleh' emotions, yet despite that, true joy should never fade despite circumstances. I've taken up Keiyeng's advice, and I've started each day by praying that despite how 'bleh' I may be feeling, or how trying the day may be, I choose to trust in the Lord, to have my hopes set on Him and His perfect will. And I just pray that in time, that hope will be enough for my heart to be set ablaze with inner joy, no matter how grey the day may be.


"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:8-9

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed" - 1 Peter 1:13

Today I spent the afternoon with Keiyeng, a lovely insightful & godly woman. She said a few things that really made these wheels in my head turn. They are things I am determined not to leave on the shelf, things i don't just want to be fascinated by and then turn a blind eye, but things I hope to dwell on further in order to resolve this inner constant struggle of living out a life that glorifies Him.

So what were some of the things said?

1. It's easy to hide behind the veneer of 'ministry' and 'Christian-ness' in order to compensate or cover up our faults and underlying sins, or perhaps just to busy ourselves from getting a chance to really know who we are

2. It's tempting to draw a line between black and white, but its important to remember that perhaps black and white is not necessarily the answer. Sometimes taking the good out and separating it from the murky is what is needed.

3. Faith in God is Trust in God. To live a life of faith doesn't mean soaring and flying high like we often hear from those great men and women of faith, but rather "Christian living is all about plodding". It's about waking up each day, no matter how ugly and burden-filled it may be, yet choosing to trust in Him and trudge through the day.

May these insights not just be left at that, collecting dust in the archives of some blog, but rather, I pray this newfound insight would boost me up in my walk of faith.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts! See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! - Psalm 139:23-24

"Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus. We have to keep letting go, and slowly and surely the great full life of God will invade us in every part, and men will take knowledge of us that we have been with Jesus" - Oswald Chambers

although i still feel homesick, its not crippling me anymore. three things i've learned.

1) its normal to feel homesick. feeling this way doesn't lesson my faith in any way...
2) i need to learn to let go. not that i need to let go of my love for home, but rather i ought to let go of my dependance on home. although its okay to feel homesick, it's not okay to let it consume me.
3) "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" 2 cor 1:2-4

Thank you God for helping me through this time and for placing people in my life at this moment who have been such an encouragement and lifter of my downtrodden soul.

i'm struggling right now.

i miss mittens & scarves, cottonball snowflakes, that crisp smell of autumn air, falling leaves of red yellow and orange, walking on Johnson Street to church early on sunday mornings, opening the side door to KCAC and hearing the sqeak that accompanies it, worship leading, closing my eyes and being able to sing familiar praise songs that I know the words to, holding hands and receiving limitless hugs, walking down my street and finding a friend, my crying buddy who understands my times of silence, my nighttime buddy and gigglefriend, my twin and beloved sister, my parents who are always constantly there for me, calling home anytime i want to and not being jailed in by these huge time differences, being real and not having to explain who I am or where I come from, 'boob tag', true uncovered non-PC non-filtered real and transparent fellowship, having my heart stirred so passionately for the homeless, being brought to tears by the pain in this world, being on-fire for God and His kingdom, having life-altering Spirit-evoking heart-molding epiphanies...i miss family, i miss friends, i miss familiarity, but most importantly.... i miss God.

i feel like my faith is so weak and so crippled that its cracking right now. Under the weight of being homesick and of feeling completely lost not to mention being overwhelmed with work, my knees are buckling and I am crying out to You Lord. For a large part without my even knowing it, i've leaned onto my past to see God's faithfulness; as if what He has done for me in my life is what defines Him. I've used my past for so long as a crutch, but i don't think its holding me up anymore, i need to see God beyond the confines of the box I've put Him in and remove these crutches so i can start running already..

iunno how, but bit by bit, I've become dulled and numbed inside. I can't hear or see the pain and suffering around me. I've lost that sensitivity, I've lost my heart - not just to the world but also to the gospel. ...this year, Good Friday was very different for me. In the past, closing my eyes and reliving what happened to Jesus Christ many years ago would put me to tears. Tears of sadness knowing He had to suffer so much for us.. for me. yet tears of joy, knowing full well that because of Him I have new life, because of Him I have hope - for Jesus Christ was forsaken so that I never need be. Although faith is more than just emotions, its a very dangerous place to be when the gospel loses its immensity, when your heart becomes numbed to the great sacrifice made in our place, to the great love extended out to us. Today and for a while now without really knowing it, I've become that numbed heart. This morning, I came to church with a mind preoccupied with everything... everything but Jesus, and with a heart too dulled to feel anything. But I left church with the Spirit imprinting my heart and soul with the urgency to get back onto these tracks, to keep persisting in this race of faith. So today, I meet You at the cross again, begging that You would fill my life with the knowledge of Your glory and Your truth. My prayer is this, that You O Lord would be more real to me than ever, that I would know You deeper and deeper beyond any 'experience' and beyond any 'feeling'. Recreate this cracking faith of mine, transform this sand into rock...

"They honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me: We can appear to draw near to God, all the while having our heart far from Him. When we look at the lives of others, we are often seduced by mere appearance and image.

God is interested in the internal and the real, yet we are far more interested in the external and the image..." -- David Guzik (on Matt15:7-9)

God is so good! and by good I mean AMAZING, WONDERFUL, AWESOME!

i landed in australia on Jan 4th, my dad's birthday, at 7:30am. but even before i landed, on the plane i already slowly started falling in love. there were about 10-12 of us all from Canada sitting together about to embark on this adventure called UQ Meds. unlike what i've heard about the ppl at canadian medschools, these guys and gals were so chill, so helpful, so nice! I know i'll love this place because i'm confident the ppl in our meds class will be supportive of each other... none of that awful backstabbing or 'fakeness' or masked intentions, etc.

after landing, Auntie Yin Leng picked me up from the airport. She had even sent me a picture of her car and herself, what she'd be wearing, her license plate number, etc. Her being so thorough completely put me at ease. She was a godsend, being the first lady I met in Australia. What a wonderful lady who gave me a crash course in aussie culture and brisbane landmarks.

We drove immediately to the church, and there i fell in love yet again, this time with the preaching. During service, the pastor (Pastor Steve) said something so quotable. It reminded me of what I myself need to be and do. "There is a time to walk away, there is a time to rebuke, but always and in all things there is a time to love." and then he also talked about what the condition of our head and heart were at. That we all need to be hard-headed but soft-hearted. no other combination will do. I pray that in all I do, i would be able to do it with the love of Christ in my heart, yet at the same time, my morals and values, my way of thinking, my roots in the Lord would never be uprooted. May I be grounded. Lord grant me thy strength to persevere and grow even stronger in your Word and love.

After church, I met many wonderful people who were so welcoming. I truly felt at home. Yet all the while, i felt so surreal about everything. I had just landed and already i was worshipping with Christians here in Australia. God is good in that no matter the distance, the blood of your Son has connected us all into your kingdom... and there need not be fear about foreign places so long as your Word still is thriving here.

After church, Keiyeng (the pastor's wife, and one really cool lady) brought me out. we bought a cellphone. went shopping at wooly's (short for woolworths - a grocery store). Everything looked the same yet different! take for example:

After shopping, I got ahold of Eleasa and went to stay with her and her parents at the Rydges hotel in south banks. What a deal! We stayed at the king suite which normally would've cost ~$400, but cuz Uncle Simon is awesome, found a deal online, then upgraded, we only had to pay ~$200 for the room. WOW! We walked around for a bit by the bank. and wow, I fell in love with australia right then and there i think. I breathed in the air, looked around at the people who were all leisurely walking and just enjoying life, then looked out to the beauty of the city perfectly mixed with the beauty of nature. It was glorious!

We had dinner that night at Ginga (trademark restaurant for the South Bank). It was delicious! And afterwards, we all went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at the movie theatre. tix were CHEAP! only $5.50 for students, which then would translate to only $5 canadian? wow eh? its double in canada! but then again, it was no silvercity. the movie screen was quite tiny, and the theatre where we sat at was also quite tiny. i must admit though, i totally slept through the whole movie! given 10pm here in brissy was 4am in victoria! After the movie, I don't really remember how i got home.. must've stumbled my way through. but i do remember landing on the bed and being knocked out after that.

The next day, ie. my 2nd day in australia! WE FOUND A HOUSE!!!! it is a beautiful house! in fact I'm writing this blog entry from my new room. God is so good :) What would normally take a week or 2 to find the perfect house, not to settle, etc. took us only ONE DAY!!!!! How crazy is that?! Let me describe this house: its a 5 minute walk away from campus (maybe even closer cuz i can SEE one of UQ's buildings from here!), there's "the village" (a collection of stores - grocery store (i.e. Coles.. nope not the bookstore! it sells Food for body not food for thought lol).... the postoffice, the beer store (lol), and various restaurants in case we students don't feel like cooking) this village is only a 4 minute walk away from our place!!! crazy no?! that and all the bus stations are there at the village, so it'll be easy for us to get out into the city :) Also to note, the average renting price in this area (called St. Lucia) is $200+. guess how much we're paying? keep in mind its a FULLY furnished place! has everything - even cooking/eating utensils, TV (that has cable! for FREE i might add lol), couches, beds, desks, chairs, lamps) well it costs $165!! wow no? i think so! Then to add more, our landlady is ALSO a Christian!! a very devout one who has been praying for nice Christian girls to rent out her place. Apparently she replied to my email because my name "grace" sounded very nice lol. Lucky us :) So God was absolutely smiling down on us with His favour that day (i guess it would be yesterday). In total there are 5 girls living here, no boys so i don't have to worry my parents or myself ! They are very nice from what i've seen so far! Also did i mention the house was gorgeous? here are a few pics i took last night!

So yes, now it is 8:19am on January 6th, 2009. My third day here in Brisbane. Today we have a welcome/international student seminar + barbecue (btw, they call bbqs, "barbie's" here! strange! lol) i shall write more later :)

I'm trying to finish my UBC application and I don't know why but I'm finding it so hard to sit down and write. I hate selling myself on paper. I feel cheap and pompous even before I've written anything. Guess I'd best get over those feelings should I wish to complete this app in time.

c'est la vie.

transition sucks. change stinks. letting go is tough. c'est la vie.

yesterday i was sitting on the couch by myself.. re-living all the memories i've stashed up over these past 4 years. and of course, just thinking of it all, brought me to tears yet again. i don't think i've ever cried so much in a given week. and worst of all, i feel alone in this feeling of mine. no one gets it... well except for you joyce and of course God. ...everyone seems to be from toronto (or around the toronto area), so its no big deal to enter that next stage in life, seeing as that next stage looks pretty much the same as the stage before.... still being surrounded by friends old and new. before coming here, my closest friends weren't Christian, and it didn't help that my youth fellowship at church consisted of 4 people, all of whom were at a different stage in their walks than me. so really back then, the only one who i had true fellowship with was God. it wasn't till i came to Queen's where God showed me what it meant to have true fellowship with other people. and although he showed me what it looked like... boy was it hard to actually follow through..... seeing as it involved being vulnerable, being able to look within myself and actually know myself fully. cuz in all honesty, even now, i still don't know who i am. but throughout this whole year, God was slowly tugging at me to open up to myself and then to you. I'm definitely a work in progress. Understatement of a lifetime. It's my prayer that in the years to come, i can embrace the past not as something which defines me, but as something that has shaped me. I pray there'd be a key to this locked heart of mine. I pray that I'd learn to know myself fully... before I've always rested in the fact that God knew me better than I knew myself. But now it's my prayer that God would reveal to me who it is that He made me to be.

I know its wrong to say that I'm scared...but the fact is I am. I'm scared of leaving everything and everyone behind. I'm scared of friendships growing distant. I'm scared of never finding someone as good as you in my life. I'm scared of entering this next phase where really i have no gameplan going into it. Funny how for so long I've prayed to God that he would never keep me "comfortable" with where I am... but that He would continually stretch me beyond my boundaries so that I can grow. and although a part of me wishes i never prayed those prayers... the better part of me knows this is something we'll all have to go through in order to grow. ...to learn to let go in order to embrace what it is that God has in store for us. And as a good friend reminded me, despite friendships and relationships coming and going, despite my relocating halfway round the world, despite things constantly changing and being changed around me.... the one thing i can cling to that will forever remain the same is my God. ....And so I will hold fast to the promise and refuge i have underneath His everlasting arms, which covers all doubt and fear and stretches from before birth to beyond death.

but still...Wow, I'm really gonna miss you guys. funny how its raining outside. kinda reflects the status of my heart right now...

i can't believe i'm going to australia :)

on the phone with my mother a few days ago, she told me about my great-grandparents. i've never heard much about them before. and then to find out that the first missionaries who came to Korea were medical missionaries... and God used these missionaries to facilitate conviction and conversion in my great-grandparent's hearts to walk in the faith. and then, for them to build 10 churches throughout their lifetime. not only that, but they were the reason why my grandfather was inspired to go into medicine... just as i am inspired to go into medicine because of my grandfather. wow! i find that so amazing! and to think this all started with a missionary named Dr. Underwood... when i get to heaven, i will be sure to thank him for taking that huge cross-cultural leap of faith in bringing the message to Korea...and ultimately allowing salvation to pour out over 4 generations!

so as i sat on my seat at church today on Mother's day, i was thinking about my great-grandmother, my grandmother and finally my mother. I look at the lives they lead, the pillars of faith that they are... and i think to myself how I wish i may be as faithful, devoted, and God-fearing as they are.

on this special day of Mother's Day, I thank God first and foremost for giving me my mother,as well as my mother's mother, and my grandmother's mother... that through all these three women, God's love and passion were exemplified in their lives. through these 3 women, a fear and devotion to follow Jesus Christ was instilled and passed down from generation to generation. Thank you Holy Father for these mothers. and Thank you Father in heaven for my dearest mother, who has been my joy, my confidante, my solace, my encouragement in this life. What a beautiful woman you have made her to be. Bless her Lord I pray.

Happy Mother's Day.

The deepest human defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by the difference between what one was capable of becoming and what one has in fact become.

- Ashley Monatgu

i hate this state of limbo. waiting... for something or nothing... either way Lord, help me be content with whatever it is that you have in store for me. only 12 days to go...

thoughts:
what's "best" for me... may not actually be what's best for me.
although parents want the best for me... they may not know what is actually the best for me.
Only God my Father knows and wants and makes out what's best for me.

HE is sovereign. HE is merciful and mighty. HE is in control of ALL things.

who cares what ppl think... even if they are the most dearest and closest people in my life.. the only person who matters is You Lord. Only You. At times i remember when i was younger... how truly you were the only one who mattered above all else and above whom else... I pray i have that kind of faith again... child-like faith to trust NOT in the things of this world... to trust NOT in earthly wisdom...but to trust only in the Lord's wisdom. I cling to your promises Lord.. that you will draw near to those who seek you. That you are merciful and mighty and kind to your children.. to those who listen and know Your voice.

Let this be a trial where my faith has been tested and refined. Deliver me through this doubt and untrust. Forgive me Father for I am weak.

closure.

PDA. that's just gross. please keep it to yourself, ESPECIALLY when you're at the library supposedly "studying"

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
~James 4:13-17

last night was full of emo-ness.
after ranting long and hard to the big G... i got nothing back except silence.

frustration.

frustration over a relationship that slammed shut, though it never even began.
frustration over not knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing come september.
frustration over friendships that will be lost.

ultimately.

frustration over change and uncertainty.



but then he gave me a verse. Isaiah 48:21

"They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts;
he made water flow for them from the rock;
he split the rock
and water gushed out."

wow. that's powerful no? i close my eyes and try to picture it... water gushing forth out of rocks. absolutely unbelievable. but of course we can expect nothing less from our almighty Father. it reminded me that despite uncertainty, despite change, all will be okay in my Father's arms. For He was and is the Designer and Creator of this universe. He made water flow from rocks. He does the impossible and will always provide for those who love Him.

therefore.

frustration has lessoned.

although i must say, i'm still finding it hard to let go of him. I guess this is a test ... to learn not to hold onto things of this earth so tightly. to not place hopes in people but to only place our hopes in the one and only constant thing we can depend on here in this life. Jesus.

tonight i went to city wide praise & worship here in Kingston before the kickoff of IWT (impact world tour)

wow. that's all i can say. so many thoughts so many revelations hit me tonight, that i must write these down lest i forget.

to see young and old, rich and poor, protestant and catholic ... to see ALL these people from all over kingston come and worship our God together - how beautiful a sight that is. I can't explain it in words... but looking out before me, i saw hands lifted high everywhere, i saw eyes gazing at the opened gates of heaven, i saw hearts blooming and ready to go FORTH to the missionfield!! God is working HERE and NOW no doubt about that. God is BIGGER, SO MUCH BIGGER than we could and can ever imagine. I feel so self-centered as a university student.. i feel that all of us studying here in Queen's, we're all so self-absorbed that we can't see how we fit into the bigger picture of this city... how we actually ARE a part of this town - although we are students, we still belong to this community, albeit for a short while. The talk around campus has been unity.. yet i feel i myself have been so blinded to the greater picture God has in front of us. The unity of our entire city, the unity of all the townships around Kingston, the unity of this province, the unity of this country. GOD is SO BIG! Just like he came and conquered cities within the old and new testaments, so He will come and conquer Kingston! He has made his claim on this city, and now we must go forth and do his work... not 4 months from now, but NOW, for the harvest is ripe!

Today they shared some stories that have already been happening throughout this campaign! They've visited 4 prisons and already 50 prisoners have responded to the alter call with tears and hands raised up in repentance. They also visited Senior homes and already 80-100 elderly people gave their lives up to Jesus! All this has been happening without us knowing. He truly does dance all around us without us ever really noticing.

We sang the song Holy is the Lord God Almighty. and the part where it says "Together we sing; everyone sing... " it really hit me hard. While we were singing this phrase, i opened my eyes and looked before me... and my heart truly SAW what these words meant! One day, this WHOLE WORLD will join together and declare that yes Holy IS the Lord God Almighty. It was just so amazing to sing TOGETHER these words... Christians in Kingston coming together and proclaiming that our God indeed does reign. Just as Jesus prayed for his disciples in John, so we are doing now... the Christians of Kingston are being united as one!

"I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. "I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified." - John 17:6-19

God can do HUGE things. we must DREAM BIG because our God is a BIG God. I remember someone in ccf saying this, but i remember reading it somewhere before I heard it in ccf... i think it may have been john piper... or matt redman? but ya, it's SO TRUE! We should Dream great dreams for God. We shouldn't dream small dreams, but Dream big dreams... dreams worthy of our big God! For it is not by power, nor by might, but by the SPIRIT of God who can do all things! And I see the big dream that many in Kingston have been praying over! The dream that Kingston will be claimed as the Lords' once and for all. That this city will unite together and become a holy city!

God will be doing great things, HUGE things, but are we ready to jump out of the boat in faith?

today i was walking home... and it dawned on me... a sort of liberating thought..

we are not our own.
we were never our own.
for before we were born, He purchased us.

I've never actually fully understood what this meant. but it actually just hit me today in midst of all the rain. As the water droplets were lightly dancing on my face, it felt like a cleansing had taken place. a re-re-birth. a burden lifted. wow. how freeing that is no? looking at that perspective, why do i ever need to worry about anything in life... for this is His purchased life that I am living. I am His. I am not my own.

I hope this world never hardens my heart to You. I hope this joy I have in You is never replaced with cynicism or negativity. I hope I always wake up each day with a smile on my face, for it is a new day that I get the chance to live for You! no matter where I end up, may your work be done in me. I am content. wow. I am so content that it kinda freaks me out.

it seems so unfair. that you meet such a wonderful group of people, and have 24 hours of awesomeness, only to realize that you're probably never going to see them ever again after you leave. wow. how sad that is. . . . . . .. i like markham. i think i shall go back sometime soon :) maybe i will see them again then.

i love kcac.
i think if i leave here, i'll be most sad about leaving this church.

in all honesty, if i had never gotten to know the chinese side, i wouldn't have felt at HOME as i feel now with this church. it's crazy. how do all those aunties and uncles remember our names? ... but ya, tonight we had dumpling night. and wow. it was amazing. seeing SOOO Many people come out, but not only that, seeing so many new faces! what a great way to reach out to co-workers, friends, even students. i felt sad.. really really sad that there were only 2 people from the english congregation who came out. we truly did miss out on an amazing night. a night where i felt part of a family. you step in and the aroma of good food hits you ! then when you head downstairs, so many friendly faces, so many warm handshakes and hugs :) i love kcac.

praise god :)

i just wanted to jot down a few praise items so i won't forget in the future how God is working in my life :)

firstly, last week was crazy busy for me. ... well in retrospect, definitely not as crazy as i thought it was while in the midst of things. but God gave me 2 huge breaks. first by cancelling work on wednesday... crazy timing that my co-workers at the last minute cancelled the meeting eh? well maybe not so much craziness as WOW-NESS for God's mercy for me :) THEN, when i stepped outside on wednesday (keep in mind that during this day there was a crazy crazy snowstorm with wind blowing at who knows how fast and so much snow that you really couldn't see what was in front of you!) anyways, THAT was the day of wednesday, but when i stepped outside, i dunno how, but it was absolutely beautiful at that moment! the sun was shining so brilliantly, the snow was floating by my face , the wind was still... it was breathtaking.

then on Sunday. we had no a/v person to help out with things. in addition, setting up sound was ESPECIALLY SLOW cuz of the EM the day before, and to add, our drummer fell sick that morning! But lo and behold, God was faithful in hearing our prayers! He provided both a drummer & an a/v person .... and it was just so wonderful worshipping our God through songs and praise. My team is so awesome in that although i'm their 'worship leader' ... really they're a self-run team. I wish ppl in our congregation could see what i see when i'm up there. to see a whole body worship our God together ... it's just so amazing. i picture the sweet fragrant of songs of praise and worship being raised up to the heavens by each and every church in this world.. How beautiful it would be from God's viewpoint in heaven eh? to hear , smell, take in, and be glorified through all the fragrances rising up to the heavens, joining and combining as one to form the most sweetest , most beautiful fragrant of all!

Lastly, I thank God for today. after prayer meeting, i read for a bit, then fell asleep.. only to wake up to a girl walking in hoping to pray. i offered to pray with her... and i dunno how , but it was AMAZING! just being able to share with her, to pray with her, to have fellowship with her no matter which campus christian group she came from! it really taught me something special about the unity within the Body. the fact that it truly is Christ who ties all of us together, and honestly that is the only lifeline that is needed :) how wonderful to be able to have a time of fellowship not with just a complete ' stranger' .. but rather with a sister in Christ :)

Praise be to God for all these things! He's constantly working, constantly moving, and constantly answering prayers! I'm excited to see what new things He will be doing throughout this next week :)

what a crazy week it has been so far..
but still God, you never cease to amaze me :)

thank you for today.
thank you for constantly answering my prayers.
thank you for painting such a beautiful day the moment i stepped outside :)

God is very merciful. I personally attest to His mercy time in time out. Funny how when i lose confidence in myself (which is often) , he is always there to put me back on my feet... he's always there to show me another door, to give me another chance. i need to work on communication... so much goes unsaid, intentions are mis-read, feelings get hurt. not a good thing.

courtesy of a friend (unbeknownst to her), i've been reading this book she left behind during christmas break. unfortunately i didn't get the chance to finish reading it over break, but i'm about halfway through, and its amazing. the book is entitled "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" , written by Dr. Paul Brand & Philip Yancey. its slowly revealing to me a whole new conception of what the body of Christ truly is. funny how God who full well knew the parallels before we could even comprehend what a cell was, created our bodies.... with the Body of Christ in his mind.

as i start a new year, i hope to grow in this understanding of who i am and how i fit into his bigger picture. how he is even possible to use me in all i lack, and in all my inadequacies.... i cannot even imagine or understand.

time and time again, Jesus cleanses our sins so that we may be reconciled with the Father. just as he forgives us, so in turn he asks us to forgive others. let's begin this new year afresh. let us put out our old yeast. let us get rid of our old wineskins. let us learn how to love each other and live with other again.

i pray he'd help me this year to discern and really look deep within myself to know and understand exactly who it is that He created me to be.

1 corinthians 4:16-18"therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"

- thank you friend. :)

Lord you are good.
Thank you for your peace. //.. help me, show me, teach me how to love... how to be a sister in Christ... how to be more like you... i love them too much to see it all slip away..

for me, it's always been hard to balance everything. i think i'm naturally predisposed as an all-or-nothing kind of person... but clearly i've gotta change that. at times i get so caught up in the things right in front of me, that i forget to see everything around me. this whole month has been exactly that. i've neglected everyone, including myself. and i'm sorry to you and to me and to everyone. the funny thing is i've been so caught up on trying to focus on NOT focusing... hmm lemme explain... earlier this month i came to some pretty drastic conclusions .. and cuz of those conclusions, i felt like there was a subconscious pull towards fulfilling them. and honestly, it spiralled me down. way down. i think worst of it all was that i forgot that God was beyond it all, i forgot to believe again that God was sovereign and merciful all along. i forgot to rely on him in helping me through all these conclusions. and because of that, i lost sight of everything and everyone. i'm surprised ppl haven't given up on me... i think maybe some have... i definitely have been mia this month. yes, part of it was due to internet not working for me at home.. and hence my being at stauffer till 2am every morning.... but more so it was part of myself trying to avoid the problem. i didn't want to think about it.. i didn't want to think about those conclusions anymore. i just wanted to live. and ironically cuz of that, i've been dying inside and out. dying to my friendships, dying to my God, dying to my parents, dying to myself. i just need time . i just need time with you God. to sort everything out. because everytime I'm with you, we talk about everything EXCEPT that. and really its the "that" that we really need to talk about before I can move on.
but for now, i gotta work/start on this essay due tomorrow at 5pm... ~25hrs to go..

"I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have "a world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten." - Oswald Chambers

ever feel like life is a spinning top? ya know.. those oldschool toys where it spins on its axis and balances on a point? its like any moment, it'll all fall... the slightest breeze or bump on the ground will topple it over... just like that.

so i've been sick these past few days... and it kinda sucks... well.. really sucks.
yesterday, i just couldn't stop coughing. my abs hurt so much. with each cough i dread how they are gonna hurt even more. this whole week, i've been feeling so weak.. mentally and physically. i'm just so drained from everything.. . but ... today is looking a bit better :)

i love my house.
last night i had the hardest time getting to sleep. i just couldn't stop coughing enough to lay my head to rest. i think i must've been coughing a lot, cuz i remember through my semi-consciousness that carolyn came into my room and started rubbing my back as i was coughing. and then there was viv who got me some real medicine, which actually worked! thank you :) and finally when i woke up today. i just felt like crap all over and i was ready to go to class and all. but joycie came downstairs and made me a hot cup of her lemon honey thing and then told me to go back to sleep right after. so i did! and i woke up now...12:26pm!! wow, i slept almost 12 hours . guess i really did need the sleep. i feel a lot better now. i'm still coughing a lot, my abs still hurt, my nose is still stuffed, and the sneezing is still endless... but mentally i'm doing better.. i don't feel like this blanket is still weighing my head down... i don't feel paralyzed. but ya, so i opened my gmail only to find that my 3 hour seminar class which i really dreaded going to was cancelled!! thank you GOD! i hate coughing in class. cuz even though you go to class, you're concentrating so hard on NOT coughing that you're not really listening to the teacher .. but yay, no class!

ok i'm gonna start my day now! hmm, maybe i shall make me some more of that honey lemon stuff :) yumm...

Prayer Request:
1. i had such an unsettling phone call last night.. not to mention major stomach cramps to top it off. it was as if my stomach felt the same way my mind was feeling. pain. why am i here? i'm here to study. but more importantly, i'm here to learn and to grow in ALL aspects of my life. but of course as usual, you both are always so much wiser than i. what do i do? please pray for my life. for direction. God, please help me clear this path i'm walking on. please help me look beyond all this uncertainty to the certainty of You... help me see the bigger picture of it all
Praise Report:
1. God you are so incredibly awesome! you've exceeded my prayers. i knew throughout it all you'd provide, i just didn't know you'd provide so quickly and so perfectly. so thank you a million times over for your faithfulness to KCAC.

2. Pastor Lo is too cool for words! He came by today to drop off moon cake!!! so clearly I'm a very happy girl today :)

3. thank you my dear friend for last night. for your prayer. you said some things i needed to hear...

i feel so broken at times. i feel like i don't know anything... and the fact that i'm so clueless forces me to trust you even more. its hard. its really hard. everything is just hard. and i wonder why its so hard for me. i just wish you'd come down now and take me to the place where you are.

please.

God, you are a faithful God. I know you always answer those who seek your face and so I am confident that you will provide workers for kcac. God won't you please impress on the congregation's hearts that this church is a living and breathing entity which is built upon and supported by EVERY SINGLE person who attends that church! just as the ligaments are present to support each and every bone of the body, so is each person who sits down in the church. WE are the church! NOT pastor Lo, not the leaders, but every person that walks in that door. We are not called to be bench-warmers; we are not called to come sunday after sunday without actively taking part in the body of Christ. at times i find myself disheartened at the lack of passion and fire. at times i just wish you would come down and shake our generation to the core! that you would shake us so hard we would be fearful to disobey your will. just like your parable of the talents. Lord, that we would not put our talents to waste, but we would use EVERYTHING you give us for your glory. may we not be that worthless servant you throw outside, into the darkness, where there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.. but that we would do your will. why do we think so rationally when it comes to you? why are we so hesitant to serve you? why are we so wary to give you our time, our talent, our all. For a God who demands our TOTALITY in worship, who has ordered us to give up EVERYTHING to take up your cross... why do we think twice for you? forgive me Father, for not putting as much faith in you as I should have. Yes, I am disheartened.. but Lord I pray that you would send encouragement, that you would work in peoples' hearts TODAY and speak to them. let the sleeping hearts be awakened, and may we all arise and bring glory to your name.

Perfect Love

Do not fear (B)
Do not be weary (G#m)
For I will comfort you. (E F#)
Just keep on moving (B)
Keep on living (G#m)
For I will be here always. (E F#)
and when the dark clouds come and surround you in this life (E F#)
When it looks like hope is such a distant sight (G#m F#)
Please remember (G#m F# E)
Just remember (G#m F# E)

In perfect love there is no fear (B E G#m F#)
and my saving grace will draw you near (B E G#m F#)
and I will let my glory shine in you (B E G#m F#)
For my love, my love, my love (C#m B F#)
will be made complete in you. (E F# G#m)

1 John 4:12-18

I’m scared…
But there’s no room for fear in faith.
Keep walking, keep pushing, keep loving and living for Him and only Him.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:16-18

Stop living in fear. Stop living in doubt. For our chains were set free the moment Christ championed our hearts.

1. what great gift has God given you?
2. where does fear fit into the picture?
get up. walk. do great things. no regrets.

last night i dropped the ball.
God always provides you with 'divine appointments'
He gives you so many chances to show others His love

last night he gave me a chance, he left the door ajar.. and i kinda blew it. i was walking to Gavin's birthday and had just bought some stuff when I passed by a homeless lady sitting on the street. I stopped in the middle of the street about 2 meters from her. She must have thought I was some crazy lady just standing there. I was debating like mad in my head what to do. To keep on walking to gavin’s thing? Or to stop and talk to her? I just stood there like a silly girl, wondering what to do, and then my feet start moving away from her. I kept on walking forward…

… regrets. Don’t have them. ..Forgive me Father.

Ever have an emotion so overwhelming it almost brings you to tears? You can’t even describe what it is… friendship, understanding, warmth, security... all bubbling up from the past rolling into one huge overpowering nostalgic feeling of love. The fact that one phone call from you had me forcing these tears back last night… gosh I missed you so much, and I didn’t even know it. It’s been so long since we last talked. I’m sorry that I forgot about you. You’ll probably never read this, but I love you… so much.

I love you because you’ve always been my shoulder to laugh and cry on.
You’ve always acted so strong in front of me for the both of us
You were, are and forever will be someone I look up to and respect
You are someone always true to his word
Someone who inspires me to try harder
Who challenges me to think deeper
Someone who stood up for me and looked out for me
Who I know will always be there for me every time I fall…

I almost forgot you cared.
I almost forgot just how much I really loved you.

i love you leahcim

life is a constant struggle for perfection.
the most dangerous thing for a Christian is when we begin down the wide road marked for the self-righteous, thinking all along that we're 'safe'
..
God, thank you for bringing her to me. crazy timing that i'd bump into her at that moment... i guess you can expect nothing less, cuz your timing is always perfect.

To sinful patterns of behaviour that never get confronted and changed.
Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed --
Until weeks become months
And months turn into years,
And one day you're looking back on a life of
Deep intimate gut-wrenchingly honest conversations you never had;
Great bold prayers you never prayed,
Exhilarating risks you never took,
Sacrificial gifts you never offered
Lives you never touched,
And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,
And forgotten dreams,
And you realize there was a world of desperate need,
And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself --
You see the person you could have become but did not;
You never followed your calling.
You never got out of the boat.
- Gregg Levoy

.........................

why is it so tough to reach out to the homeless?
what a horrible feeling it is when you lend a helping hand only to be shunned
I can't even begin describe the look and the feeling that is burned into you
that look where you feel less than human
its as if you can hear their eyes saying 'who do you think you are'
every time I go out, I say the same prayer… "Lord, teach me to love"
and every time I go out, I feel so fruitless, so inadequate

God gives and takes away.. And then it dawns on you
that he gives so that it CAN be taken away
he gives so that you can have a heart that gives as abundantly as his
you could have easily been born into a life of poverty, where dignity becomes a distant friend
But God was gracious enough to provide for you so that you could provide for others.
I hate the corruption this world has in stupid divisions between socioeconomic status
I hate how people are judged according to the dollar sign attached to them
the coolest new technology, the latest fastest car, the abercrombie designer clothes
whats it all for in the end?
worst of all, I hate how I'm folly to it too at times
you look around and you're fed up with the way things work in this world
and then you look a little closer and you see that you're the problem

I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was so far away, but now I'm home
I once was blind, but now I see
I once was dead, but now I live
Now my life to you I give
Let my lifesong sing to you
Hallelujah
Thank you for life Lord. As I turn 21, I can say with full confidence I'm Yours, and that's all that matters. I'm satisfied & utterly content

there are moments, fleeting moments when i feel all air is being taken out of me. when i feel like i'm about to collapse. it hits you without forewarning and makes you gasp for air. you feel like everything around you is crumbling and that you are crumbling with it. ..and then you realize that this is reality. we live in a world where things fade in and out. nothing lasts forever except the hope and friendship we have in our Lord. So long as we keep seeking strength from our God we are forever renewed and rebuilt into a fortified structure that will never crumble for eternity. though everything else around us shatters into pieces, though our life-path becomes blurred and grey, though at times we feel like giving in and crumbling with everything else in this world, HE will be a stronghold. He will be our crutch to forever lean on. For it is NEVER by our own strength, but by His who will keep us standing when all the glitter and glam corrodes into non-existence.

...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Help me learn to love the way You have asked me to love. Help me to be satisfied with Your love alone and not to be so easily saddened or hurt from others for love is never self-seeking. Teach me to love how you love...

its 2:13am.
and it turns out we'll be catching the 3:15am bus to toronto.
CRAZY i tell you.

but i just wanted to write down these things before i forgot... things to remember... things to look back on... things to ponder

..

have you ever challenged God? or rather have you ever asked God to do a certain something to tell you which path to take, or what to think? well i did today. and now i think i'm playing with dangerous fire..

i want to be happy.
and i am happy now :)

Stand still and firm in the Lord
Do not waiver at the slightest breeze
Cling only to Him and His Word
Not to anything else,
Not even yourself.

...

walking home yesterday, i met a youth pastor from north carolina. we were talking about the state of Canada's Church. we were able to talk as if we knew each other longer than the few minutes we were talking for. he opened up so much... it makes you understand that we really are one in the bond of love. after that conversation before i left the bus, we were saying that no matter where we are, no matter what culture we come from, or what language we speak, we are all connected through His love, and thats the beauty of God's masterplan. through all the seeming differences that we as humans tend to focus on, really we're all the same. we all love, we all hurt, we all are born, and we all die.. really we're all just trying to make it through this life as best we can... leaning on each other for support.. and leaning on God for guidance as we walk through this very narrow tunnel leading to life beyond death.

life is simple. but it is only simple if we seek simplicity in complexity. its so easy to get caught up in the entangled web of life on Earth, but once we look beyond the gray clouds, then we can see the stars. life is hard. there's no doubt about that. but i think when you get to the core of things, life is only hard because we make it hard for ourselves. people seek love. people seek affirmation. people seek a sense of belonging. all these things we seek are in no way bad things.. but they are things that will never make us fully joyful. we need to seek God first and foremost because he is the only fountain of happiness we will ever drink from. Don't get lost in the complexities of life. Focus on the simplicity of God and his love for you, because in the end, thats all that matters in life.

i hate this.. i'm beginning to feel so restrained here in kingston. i just want to get out. its so frustrating at times.. how small this town is. you hear people say how they miss kingston cuz its so much more easier to live without all the complications/busyness that a big city brings. victoria, contrary to what most people think, is HUGE compared to here. you go downtown and there's so much life. i think i'm starting to miss home. i just miss familiarity. it feels like so many people are gone now.. i just wanna go .. i don't like being in kingston anymore.

but i guess God has a purpose for everything .. i know i'm glad i've gotten to know some friends at a whole new level. its surprising at times how many layers people have. its so enriching when you learn about all these different aspects a person may have.. really, people are just like onions :) its nice knowing that there's more to a person than the superficial. that a conversation can go beyond the mindless banter and actually hit those issues that pierce the core of our humanity..

or not.

i just.. really want to get out right now. maybe this is a passing phase. hopefully its a passing thing..

i'm so tired of this.. so tired in general. i think i'm gonna take a nap and dream. i like dreams.. things are so much simpler.. easier... nicer..