difference reduction: psyc 220 . how do i achieve that goal-state? by what means will i reach the end? who do i most strive to be? and how do i get there from where i am right now. i can't wait for summer. i just need some time to think. i just need some time to spend with you and only you. lately i haven't been thinking too much. my brain has been fried ten times over, and even now it hurts to think of anything other than school. i'm a hollow shell of who i strive to be. i yearn for more in this world. i yearn for you God. take me back please? teach me to be more like you. please Lord have mercy on me. i jumped the gun didn't i? i think i did. there's waiting on the Lord for you. oh how silly i am. why do i always have to take things into my own hands? why is it that i don't have enough patience to wait on you..

i pray for forgiveness.

i pray for focus.

i'm sorry . i think for a second i forgot my identity.. why else would i say the things i say, or do the things i do?

why is it that i keep on walking down this same road.. why do i sway so easily when the slightest breeze flies by... why am i so squishy.... i hate being like this.. i hate this... i need to get off this cloud... i really do.. cuz its hurting my soul i think... i'm not seeing clearly...

yes things have changed.. but some things ought to not change... and yet... those things that aren't supposed to change ARE changing.. ..

..

i pray for peace.

peace of mind

peace of heart

..
..
..

to God be the glory Great things he hath done!

random

I'm sorry for not caring enough, for being so self-absorbed ..

I'm sorry for taking matters into my own hands. I'm sorry for losing focus..

I'm sorry for getting out of that boat only to climb back in..

do i have any regrets for this year? if i could do it all again what would i do?
i don't know if i would have done the same things.. i don't think i would have made the same decisions. but who cares what i would have done... its the past now.

i wish school wasn't so hard and scary. what am i even afraid of? bad marks? so what! God still has his plan for me.. but the thing is... i know i haven't tried my best... and like all decisions and all choices in life, i must face the consequences of that. .. even if it means bad marks.

..
.. i'm sorry for losing sight of you..


..


i miss music.
its weird... but i dunno why i'm so emotional.. maybe its this song..
listening to one of chopin's etudes... i started remembering the past... i love music. sitting on that piano was my refuge. where it would only be me and you. classical music is so beautiful.. it truly expresses the deepest yearnings of the soul... i want to get back to that time again... where i could play freely .. its like it was a period in my past that i can never return to ..

.... i'm not going to stop playing... after exams, i'm returning to the piano again... i hope.. but like always, technique and time holds me back ..


.....

..
..

why is it that i find it so hard to open up to people? its like i have a pride issue i need to get over.. a false pride about nothing...

when did things get so superficial again? i don't care about the silly things... i don't wanna hear about them... i wanna know how you really are doing... .. tell me... how can i be a better person... i need to be less self-absorbed...less prideful...

i choose you. no turning back, no stopping, no hesitating... none of that anymore... because despite everything this world has to offer, i choose you. YOU! I choose YOU!!! how funny that i've tricked myself into believing that this world could actually give me all i want, give me peace, happinness, joy... but when i look closely, everything this world offers is nothing but dust, from dust we were born, and to dust we will become. and after everything has shattered, all I'm left with is you. and i realize now that you are the true treasure i've been searching for my whole life. it is you where all good comes from, it is you where i shall find rest. i lay broken and bare in your hands. cloak me with your everlasting righteousness. may i not be driven by emotions, but by truth. truth that stands and will stand eternally.

help me live out a life worthy of your name. there's such weight given to the name "Christian". i bear your name, your cross. i feel i'm so unworthy to be called a Christian. i'm so unworthy to be loved by you. and yet you do. why? how funny you are that you'd accept ME, you'd take me in all that i lack, in all my imperfections, you still choose me. but that isn't why i choose you. i don't choose you because you chose me, i choose you because i NEED you. because this life isn't worth living if i don't have you. because i can't live this life if you're not with me. all things fade with time. i too will fade, but you , you will always be bold and brilliant , you will always outshine the brightest star. you. you will always have my heart. i love you. i choose you. you and only you.

Lord have mercy..
please have mercy..

hear my cry, hear my prayer
Lord do not be slow in saving your servant

help me O God of Jacob
help me

He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ. - 2Cor.5:15

we died to ourselves..to be born in Him. everything we do, everything we seek, its all... its ALL in his name. so now i just have to get that through my thick head. i say i give it up to him.. but how much do i mean it? i dunno. .

its like i'm hiding behind a glass mirror. and this glass world is shattering before my very eyes. i'm falling. .. .. .. escapism. stupidity. lies. suffocation. i want to help. but how can i help when i can't even help myself. it just hurts thinking about everything thats happening to everyone around me.. to everything thats happening to me... my friends.. my family.. how did you know something was wrong? something more than meets the eye. cuz you were right. each breath feels like my last. hyperventilation. its as if the list keeps on piling up one by one. and i'm alone. i cry out to you God. do you hear? yes you do.. you always have. i cry out for mercy. Lord, please deliver me from this. i'm so fragile Lord. . my roots feel so shallow.. bit by bit, i feel your peace overcome me.. I pray for peace and you've granted me that ever so slowly but surely. how come i can't open up? why do i bottle things up? why do i stand alone on this tiny island all by myself.. why do i keep on rejecting friends who are trying to be there for me... no words come out when i open my mouth.. i don't know if you'll understand.. i just don't even want to speak. honestly its just good enough that i know you're there for me.. i hate that through this all, i've become so weak.. that i've escaped by other means. what am i doing? WHAT am i doing?! its like i escape from my worries.. from my doubts.. from my life.. by entering and immersing myself in yours.. everyone else's except mine. God. have mercy please? i don't want to be that girl trapped behind the mirror ...

pictures :)

Happy 20th Birthday Steph!!



how funny are we? the 2 MOST unlikely ppl to flash the fob sign =P



oh eunice, you're a funny one :) those purple sparkly earmuffs are very becoming of "Mr. Phoebe Turtle" lol

i like Christmas :)

yay for home in 37 days . . .

thanks Pastor Lo & Auntie Sally =)

yesterday i was at church for way too long, 7 hours! i had a mini break/vacation last night with the Lo's :) Auntie Sally cooked a delicious meal; we had rice cakes (KOREAN rice cakes!! haven't had those since last christmas, and they really are oh-so-good mmmm) they kept on feeding me, we had these yummy redbean dessert cakes and then tea, "China's Famous Tea" (seriously!) they even gave me some to take home, cuz i'm pretty much tea-deprived out here in rez. THEN, we looked at all their photo albums, and all i could say was wow! it's so weird seeing Pastor Lo and Auntie Sally in their prime, at OUR age!! hanging out, being goofy, and having fun with all their friends.. which for the most part were many our parents (i.e. Jon Watt's parents, Andrew's parents, and the list goes on and on)!! its just so weird :P and then they showed me their wedding pictures :) and ohh, how beautiful they both looked. looking over at them, they had the starry-eyed look, both were reminiscing on the past, those happy memories of their youth. ya, they were telling me how ccf has seen so many married couples..even Pastor Lo and Auntie Sally met through there! its just kinda cool though that we RIGHT now are at the prime of our lives.. every single picture we take is a memory captured forever. i wonder how strange it will feel 25+ years from now when i look back to this era in my life. i hope i have no regrets . . .

There is Life

You hear the cries and see past the lies; (Dm Bb F)
You know the weak, they’re falling so deep. (Am Dm)
They run so fast the world’s a blur, (Bb F)
Only to look back and find that they are (Am)
Drowning, (Dm)
They’re Burning, (Bb)
They’re Dying, (Gm)
They’re Dead. (A)

They walk so stubbornly with no shame, (Dm Bb F)
Mocking and Scoffing your glorious name. (Am Dm)
The waves of this world are pulling them down, (Bb F)
Lord stretch your hands out because they are (Am )
Drowning, (Dm)
They’re Burning, (Bb)
They’re Dying, (Gm)
They’re Dead. (A)

Yet out of darkness, there is light; (D A A/Bb)
Out of Tears and sorrow you’ve brought joy for tomorrow. (Bm G)
And out of emptiness, there is completeness; (D A)
‘Cause now there is life where once there was death, (Bm G)
You stretched out your hand to the hopeless, (D/F# A)
You picked us as the chosen elect, (Bm G)
Yes, You granted us life in the face of death. (D/F# G)

So now there’s dancing, (D/F#)
There’s laughing, (G)
There’s living, (Bm)
There’s Life. (A)

wow. i have really wise friends.. thanks..
was advice i really needed to hear. .

blast from the past

its so hard to keep in touch with your old friends from back home.. BUT today was not the case! Dave called, which was so incredibly outta the blue.. haven't talked to him since.. well since 2 years ago i believe. he updated me on everyone and everything.. and its really crazy how much and how little people have changed. apparently i sound older.. and dare-i-say wiser? but i guess thats all part of the growing-up package. then i talked to jamie! i miss her so much. its weird how we're so opposite, yet we get along so well. i mean come ON, she's in the ARMY reserves for goodness sake haha, and i'm .. well i'm totally NOT army-material haha. they'd boot me outta there so quickly =P this christmas, everyone's coming home! i'm so excited! even Dave is gonna make a trip all the way from washington dc.. poor guy has to get his wisdom teeth out *ai. but yup, =D can't wait to see them!

soo.. i dug up these pictures whilst in the midst of reminiscing on the past: lol we're so weird aren't we? :P



see? i have asian friends, i have basically all asian friends! then there's the token Sam and Sapsford :P (L->R: Sapsford (aka Saps aka Sarah), Vicpoo, ME, Sam, Jamie (aka Turtle aka Shortstuff lol), Di, and Dave)


aren't we so weird? :)


oh vicpoo, i have YET to have a picture where your eyes are ACTUALLY open :P lol! maybe this christmas!


lol we're strange, what can i say? but we're strange in an oh-so-cool-kinda-way!

.

.
i'm gonna walk forward now.
no looking back.
.

.

why does this have to be so hard...

*sigh..

.. goodbye .. for now.

i'll miss you...

You are my Lord

Lord wipe away all my fear and doubt. (C#m B)
It’s weighing me down, and its fogging the view, (C#m A)
I just want to see You. (B)

Empower me Lord, strengthen this heart, (E B)
So I can close my eyes, let go of this world, (G#/E A)
And fall back unto You. (B)

I give my life to You (E)
I put all my trust in You (B)
‘Cuz Jesus You are my Lord (G#/E A)
I will walk through fiery flames (E)
Even run on stormy waves (B)
‘Cuz Jesus You are my Lord (G#/E A)

Where you call, I will go. (C#m B)
Whatever you ask, I will do. (E A)
Yes, I’ll take heed to your word. (C#m B)
Lord I’m following You. (E A)

:)

i'm content.

:)

creationism.

"The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned." - 1Cor2:14

Is this me? am i the one without Spirit. A while ago, I had a talk with a friend, and it was so enlightening, yet i look back now and think, why was I so incredibly hesitant to believe? At first I wouldn't, I didn't accept it at face value, but kept on questioning, kept on.. doubting the TRUTH! Am I one without the Spirit who doesn't accept the things from the Spirit? Creationism. Up till I dunno, when i was in gr.5 or 6, i DID believe in Creationism. then i remember when i hit the age of thinking and doubt.. and how it was 'smart' to be skeptical, to be realistic, but in essence what i did was compromise my beliefs ... thinking all along that I was just explaining creationism in a different way.. when in fact, i was wrong. so wrong. the world WAS created in 6 days. Not six periods, not six eras, plain and simply six 24-hour long days! How do I know this? well, death only happens because of sin. So how, HOW can there be evolution if there was no death? How can there be death in paradise? only AFTER man had fallen was there death, and subsequently MICROevolution.. none of this Ape & Man both coming from some unknown man/ape ancestor. I was talking with my mom last night, and I told her my newfound belief.. and it was so strange, she wasn't at all phased by this. She'd been brought up and had always accepted that the world, the universe was created in six ACTUAL days. . and it made me feel so silly.. that i couldn't just believe like my mom.. but needed proof. i needed evidence. how stupid is that, when the word itself is INFALLIBLE!! thanks for lending me those dvds eh? They've answered a lot of questions and more importantly put a scientific spin on things, BUT through 'biblical glasses' .. i.e. explaining the wonders BASED on the bible.. not the bible based on 'scientific evidence'
//

poor little ones..

bacteria, viruses, and the sorts are like the underdogs in the cellular world of life. they're just little, tiny country bumpkins from the middle of nowhere in Saskatchewan trying to make a living and a life in the big flashy metropolitan Toronto. i mean look at that immunoglobulin above! that's some scary stuff! and of course they're aim in life is to make sure those little country bumpkins never live to see another day. oh how sad.

ah, it's early, my mind hurts from all this microbiology shoved into it.