time to soak

there never seems to be enough time in the day, and yet time gets wasted far too easily. amongst the lack of time there's definitely never enough time to soak in the great truths of God. i wish i had a pause button for life

"You have no idea of where God is going to engineer your circumstances, no knowledge of what strain is going to be put on you either at home or abroad, and if you waste your time in overactive energies instead of getting into soak on the great fundamental truths of God's redemption, you will snap when the strain comes; but if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted & grounded in God on the unpractical line, you will remain true to Him whatever happens." - Oswald Chambers

All I Have is Christ (Jordan Kauflin)

there is a saying about missions that i rather like...

"If you can't see very far, go as far as you can see"

the core

it's my 2nd & final week with the Alcohol & Drug Service at the hospital. i think i definitely find addiction psychiatry fascinating. got into a lengthy conversation with our consultant on the complex aetiology of addiction, and the never-ending debate of environment vs. genetics. this along with current treatment & follow-up methods which i think are a bit sub-optimal with so many gaps and people falling through the cracks. and although i get super excited talking about all this and the direction & future of this field to find an 'answer' for addiction.. i can't help but think whatever treatment & rehabilitation we have now or will ever have, and whatever advances we make scientifically in this field, they are all bandaid solutions to the core problem. the core problem being sin. its not an uncommon story to hear of broken families, abuse, emotional pain & guilt... these are all running themes of social and moral breakdown echoing out of our sinful state, and they are not just isolated issues, but generational & tainting all aspects of life.

every monday, there's a special clinic that targets vulnerable women, namely mums-to-be who are dependent on heroin, methadone, and buprenorphine (which are all opioids, the latter being a partial agonist. so in other words all stimulate the same receptors & help maintain the drug habit). today as i sat in for several consults, my heart kind of dropped. the solution given was not reaching the core problem, but facilitating and in some cases increasing one's drug dependence. inside i was so ready to burst.

although i've never used or been dependent on substances, i've seen too many people who are dependent that it's obvious how life & soul-consuming it becomes. your every thought is obsessed with acquiring that drug to get your fix, it's what you live for. and 10, 20 or 30 years down the road (if you even make it that far) you look back and see the blazed trail of destruction and damage and hurt and pain you left and are now in. addiction is idolatry. addiction is a poor substitute for glory. in a non-medical sense, we are all addicted to something (i.e. we live for/our lives revolve around something or someone). addicted to our job, to success, to wealth or fame, addicted to romance and chasing love or sex, addicted to acceptance or even self-fulfillment. all these things which comparatively speaking look & sound 'nicer' than being addicted to say heroin, but all of which at the core are the same. and everyone eventually realizes that what they've been living for & 'addicted' to, it doesn't satisfy but leaves you empty and hungry for something more. John Calvin got it right in saying the human heart is a factory of idols. and boy are we experts at it. but this is where Jesus comes into the picture. Jesus smashes through all our idols or would-be idols. and surpasses everything we could ever hope to live for or find joy in.

knowing this, i couldn't help but wonder what it's going to be like when/if i start practicing. will my hands be tied in speaking the gospel? will i just be putting 'bandaids' on the water tap of people's problems or actually help people find out that the faucet can be turned off. and so today was one of those days where i found myself daydreaming about jumping ship and going into ministry. but as someone told me, and i know this myself too, i should not take studying medicine for granted, but to look at using these skills for His glory God-willing. but still, there's this ache inside i cannot explain away as i think about broken people separated from God... perhaps because i myself was broken too. and my heart hurts when i think of those who've never heard what the good news is. to reach the unreached, connecting broken people to God... that's the dream, albeit a far-away dream at the moment..

:)

i should be sleeping right now, but i just can't. i'm filled with so much.. excitement i think & this energetic kind of joy for the now and what's to come.

so blessed to have had 2 brothers from SMBC (Sydney Missionary & Bible College) share life with our community group tonight. it was mask-off, genuine and real. it was sort of a taste of what our group could be like, and what we ought to be like... like family who shares life together. so thankful for this openness to be modelled for us by these guys who live out Jesus not just on Sundays, not just during personal time with God, not just with their own church & friends, but also with us, who are technically complete strangers. really thankful for their questions to prod the inner workings of our hearts... and their honestness in answering. you just can't help but see their genuine love for God bubbling out.

i was really moved tonight. only hours before when i went out for a run to clear my head, was i downtrodden at how such silly trivial things can be so magnified and centralized by people, and by me. but oh how i see the big picture yet again... and i was reminded of the story of how God pursued me and won my heart over. this accompanied with the flood of emotion of pure love and joy and immense warmth to the core from going back in time. i couldn't help it as we read through a passage in Psalms. it was the same passage that got me through a lot. Thank you for this reminder. I know in my head, but i think sometimes i forget in my heart this all-enveloping love that God has for us, the love that His Son would willingly die in my place so that I might be brought into God's family. and it doesn't stop there. but it's a love we are called to live out. i'm reminded i need to constantly go back to the cross. it's such a phrase that's always thrown around.. but so important. to remember who i was and know who i am, and that without God i am nothing and can do nothing. that and I need to constantly die to myself, my pride, my ambitions, my selfishness, my sinful ways of heart & mind. that He is the one i live for; He abides in me and I in Him. and this so that i can overflow with His love to others.

and so i sit here now... full of excitement & joy. i'm really excited about our 5:17 Church family and where we're going. i'm really excited about God's good news for all, the power to save us from our doomed selves. i'm really excited about the future and the plans God has in store for me and my brothers & sisters. and i sit here also reminded again, being zipped back in time to when i was sitting on a pew at church almost 5 years ago with huge heaviness & conviction.. a call He had put on my heart. 5 years later, it's still there, that same conviction. and i'm here again Lord, begging that you'd send me. please mark out my steps. forgive me for worrying and having such a need to know what'll happen in the future way of thinking. help me take things one day at a time as you prepare a way for me

i've just started mental health rotation and today found out i'm placed at HADS (Hospital Alcohol & Drug Service) for the next two weeks.

purely providential and completely elated!

human trafficking, early rumblings.

Perfect timing and pure providence (and the willingness of K to drive me out to Salvos after bursting into her room and waking her from her slumber) brought me to a workshop yesterday on human trafficking here in Australia - something that happens in our backyards, completely under our noses, though many times so visible. Often, when I hear the words sex/human trafficking, I feel so removed from it as if its something that goes on in 'other parts' of the world, surely not here. and plus, the enormity of the problem is so far-reaching, where do you even begin to process it all?

The statistics are mind-blowing.

• 1.2 million children are trafficked every year
• 95% of victims experience physical or sexual violence during trafficking
• 2.5 million people are in forced labour at any given time as a result of trafficking
• 30 billion dollars from profits worldwide annually

I get lost in all these numbers, but I really loved what one of the ladies i met said... "All that matters is the one.. And working, advocating for, supporting, loving that 'one' is what counts."

I found it helpful learning of the red flags and indicators, and how it requires looking beneath the surface issues, or presenting complaints to identify potential victims (not in far away countries, but even here in Australia). These can include wage disputes, domestic violence, assault & emergency care, attempted suicide, homelessness, those seeking welfare assistance to name a few. All victims held hostage where shackles and chains have now been substituted by debt bondage, threats of deportation, withholding key documents, threats to family members, verbal abuse & humiliation, isolation, physical violence and sexual assault. Sinister modern chains that aim to crush the spirit until their humanity and sense of will are entirely stolen.

found it really useful knowing what services and organizations are out there that aim to support men and women who find themselves as victims in this trade.

• Fair Work Ombudsman.
• The role of the Australian Federal Police, with their Human Trafficking Teams (and other resources found on their website)
• The role of the Red Cross (accessed through AFP), in supporting trafficked people help access emergency accommodation, healthcare & welfare needs, and psychological services
• Project Respect (who specifically support women in the sex industry)
• The Anti-Slavery Project

Definitely hope to chew on these things more. But ever so grateful to God for letting this opportunity pop into my lap. Such a gift to be educated, enlightened, and to meet some incredibly beautiful & inspiring ladies who truly shine Jesus inside out. I think I had the most honest, vulnerable, soul-moving, heart-bonding car-ride talks ever while on my way back home after the workshop. A conversation like a tiny drop of water in the ocean of time, but with lasting heart ripples. Beautiful.

Hope to continue the conversation...

Restless.

by Jon Foreman.

The voice of the sea on a moonless night

Calling, falling, slipping tides

The voice of leaky, dripping pipes
Endless, aching drops of light

Running, pushing falling down
Always longing, always now

Silent underneath these streets
Even blood finds ways to bleed

Even rivers ways to run
Even rain to reach the sun

Even here within these means
Within this skin, within these dreams

Longing for the other shore
The world we've never been before

Restless for the infinite
With tears of saints and hypocrites

For death and life, for night and day
With blood of black and white and grey

One by one by one by one
Our rivers surge and fight and run

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete

Where tide and tear and pain subside
And joy and laughter drink them dry

i feel this curtain slowly unveiling. inch by inch by inch, the eyes of my heart are beginning to see the picture You're painting.

transform these deep seeds into something beautiful. let it not sprout then whither in the cold air, but protect and grow it for Your purposes

fill me with compassion and unrest not deadened by complacency and blinded by self-fulfillment or even normalcy. let me be passionate for your glory but never proud in myself, to be content in all life throws but never comfortable lest i forget Your heart. help me do the hard hours on my knees until You break me and pour through every dark crack, crevice and hidden corner of my being. that i would be the paint and You the Painter.

plodding is hard work!

what a love!

been slowly going through 1 Peter with John Piper. over & over, this quote concerning 1 Peter 1:10-12 keeps popping back into my head... and every time I'm still blown away by it, by the love God has for his children from eternity past to now to eternity future

"Christ, the Son of God in Heaven, has been contemplating his suffering and his death for us for centuries. Indeed as far back as the plan of salvation reaches in the mind of God, so far back has Christ been willing and ready to give himself for our sins. You were not loved for just a bloody moment of sacrifice in history. You have been loved for endless ages in the eternal plan of the Father and the Son to save sinners who trust in him."

utterly speechless.

The Cambridge Seven

The Cambridge Seven were a group of 7 men who became missionaries to China in 1885 (with China Inland Mission), but before doing so they toured universities across England and Scotland, holding meetings for students to hear their testimonies and why they were going to China. God brought a huge revival to Great Britain through the "Cambridge Seven".. many came to listen to them talk, and hundreds up to even a thousand were converted each night. Was really moved reading their brief biographies ... they were men of prayer, men of complete devotion to God, men who saw the urgency of the gospel, the urgency to reach lost souls.. and I'm greatly touched by the faith-filled lives they led. Some things in particular that got my attention...

• They didn't wait until they 'got out into the mission field' to be missionaries, God used them exactly where they were in their colleges, in the army, sports teams, neighbours, etc... they were already missionaries before they 'became missionaries.'
• They were all different - different personalities, different strengths/weaknesses, different backgrounds... but all had a unified passion to see lost souls saved. I don't have to be someone I'm not. I am who God made me to be.
• It was no easy thing for them to be Christians... they were all in, and in so doing risked popularity, risked fame, success, wealth, career, they gave it all up for His cause (one example that stood out: C.T. Studd was a famous cricketer, the "Michael Jordan" of cricket at that time, but "once revived in the Spirit, his passion for Christ superseded that for cricket and he gave up his promising career in exchange for the hard path Christ marked out for him").

"Are you living for the day or are you living for life eternal? Are you going to care for the opinion of men here, or for the opinion of God? The opinion of men won't avail us much when we get before the judgment throne. But the opinion of God will. Had we not, then, better take His word and implicitly obey it?" - C.T. Studd

• God worked a huge revival in these men to call them to repentance & faith, although some had Christian parents, they themselves were asleep and at best nominal Christians... not until Christ called them personally. This 'sleeping Christian' culture is not so different from today is it. We cannot inherit our faith, indeed we must each have our own Christ encounter.
• In China, though money, health, and even missionary support failed at times, still they kept pursuing the lost. They endured hardships with great joy. Their love for the people of China was so huge, that many of the 7 stayed in China as long as they could.. even to their dying breath. God put a great love in their hearts for the lost. I'm reminded also that He puts this same love in me too, although many a time it is dampened by the pursuits of this world & myself.

Like the faithful men & women in Hebrews 11, reading stories of recent Christians who also showed faith ... in this case, 7 brothers in Christ who gave up all for the calling God had set before them to preach the lost... its so faith-building! What examples they are although displaced in time, but with cultures not so different from ours. I guess, it's always the case that following Christ is a path that goes against the stream of culture, goes against the things this world places value on.. popularity, success, wealth, or even something as simple as desiring to live a comfortable and safe life, where everything is insured and safe-guarded, there are no risks, no leaps of faith, no surprises.

But is this a life worth living?

At the cross where I've found forgiveness and grace, here at the cross, Jesus thought I was worth dying for that I might live. If this life I have now which cost Jesus his all, if I live this life for myself then there is no worth in it and in so doing claim Christ as worthless. But if I consider Christ as my full worth, then how easy it is for me to live fully trusting and fully for Him. This is not fleshed out though in myself I know as I still grip consciously & subconsciously to the side rails of earthly securities and common-sense 'worldly' wisdom. I imagine sometimes what it would be like to let go of these things, and at once the fearful 'what-ifs' come into play. Oh to see a bigger clearer picture of our Almighty God! Reading about these men though, its so faith-building... that they can trust wholeheartedly in our Father, means we too can trust in Him all the more!

"It is easier to serve God without a vision, easier to work for God without a call, because then you are not bothered by what God requires; common sense is your guide, veneered over with Christian sentiment. You will be more prosperous and successful, more leisure-hearted, if you never realize the call of God. But if once you receive a commission from Jesus Christ, the memory of what God wants will always come like a goad; you will no longer be able to work for Him on the common-sense basis.

What do I really count dear? If I have not been gripped by Jesus Christ, I will count service dear, time given to God dear, my life dear unto myself. Paul says he counted his life dear only in order that he might fulfill the ministry he had received; he refused to use his energy for any other thing. Acts 20:24 states Paul's almost sublime annoyance at being asked to consider himself; he was absolutely indifferent to any consideration other than that of fulfilling the ministry he had received. Practical work may be a competitor against abandonment to God, because practical work is based on this argument - Remember how useful you are here, or - Think how much value you would be in that particular type of work. That attitude does not put Jesus Christ as the Guide as to where we should go, but our judgment as to where we are of most use. Never consider whether you are of use; but ever consider that you are not your own but His." -- Oswald Chambers

how i long to see Your glory Lord.. I feel poked and prodded of a distant vision.. oh that by your grace you would direct my steps & equip me for what's to come, that you would grant me the patience and peace to walk faithfully and obediently as you re-create me completely to be someone who chases after holiness and fully hopes in your grace. Prepare my mind, fill it with truth from your word, and guard my heart against the desires & lusts of this world, that I be fully embracing fully hoping in your grace. Let me never lean on my own strength, nor think myself higher than I really am... but help me see myself as you see me, and help me love others as you love them. how i yearn to be passionate and fully abandoned for your word, your will, your glory..

quote snapshots of Impact 2011

so much learnt from Impact 2011 Conference this past weekend! just some key quotes to look back on in the future. Have yet to synthesize everything in my head, perhaps post-exams I'll get a chance to sit down and go through everything..

"Time is the canvas on which God does His painting...

& eternity is the perspective from which we will see the beauty of His handiwork" - Richard Chin (National Director of AFES)

"... our difficulties can always give us an excuse to sinning... therefore we need to commit ourselves to doing what is right when we face suffering" - Laurie Walsh (Dean of UQ Dent)

"When trouble comes, it is our decision under conscious control to:

1. turn to God in prayer... or become bitter
2. be quiet & thoughtful... or begin to complain
3. be tender & compassionate... or be harsh & cruel
4. learn new trust in God... or rebel against Him
5. take courage... or begin to fear
6. draw close to God in our suffering... or draw away" - Laurie Walsh

"Until we see the propensity of evil in our own hearts we cannot see the power of the gospel" - Richard Chin

"If my eyes are set for mediocrity, I gravitate towards safety and avoid danger, thus avoiding any form of risk taking, thereby rendering myself spiritually ineffective for the Kingdom." - Peter Law (Principal of Crossway Bible College)

happy easter

thank you thank you thank you Lord!!

I don't know how, but You've lifted up my spirits and have taken away this cloud.

This easter weekend has been so rejuvenating for me! was a much needed break from the hospital and from school. there's nothing better than taking some time out to reflect and catchup on non-mediciney reading :) was filled with eating the Word & finishing half-read books, and basking in His creation. Yay for living near a beautiful park.. its a blessing even if at times i wish there was an ocean or mountain in arms reach :p

Over this weekend its been good reflecting on what Jesus' death & resurrection mean to me. I can't even describe the feeling. its more than joy, more than thankfulness.. its like this warm filling feeling that envelops every bit of you. the feeling that you are so dearly immensely loved despite being so unlovable, that you are someone God of all creation wants back into His family, so much that He'd give up everything for you, give up His most precious Son for you.

And more than that, for the Son to willingly accept death, shame, excruciating pain, and the burden of the world's sin past present future, even bearing separation from His Father as He willingly accepted death on the cross because of His great love for us. That's craziness. It's something that can't be explained away, just doesn't make sense. And that's whats so powerful about this. Plus the fact that the story doesn't end there.

Jesus conquered death and is alive! and in so doing, He conquers death for us and we become alive in Him! Not just so that we no longer have to face eternity apart from the Father, but that here on earth we have relationship, we have closeness and access to Him through Jesus. That He no longer sees me in all my shortcomings and failings time and time again... but sees Christ's perfection blanketing over me. i realize more so now than when i was a younger christian just how sinful and undeserving I am ... how hopeless it would be if Christ never took my penalty. And so for me, Jesus' death & resurrection means hope! hope for eternity with the Father & hope for now , that He's working to change me bit by bit, till I reflect Him. Praying He keep on cleaning out the house of my heart, to sweep away the dust of sin that's piled without me even realizing.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" -- 1 Peter 1:3

i hate having that feeling of a cloud looming over you... the cloud of things to do

i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment

gotta study for step1
gotta push forward this rather stagnant project of mine
gotta get through med rotation, there's so much to learn!
gotta start on that list of errands to do...i need a day off, things close too early here

ok. i guess there's no better way to get a move on than actually moving instead of being paralyzed under this cloud of 'to-do' . although i can't help but think how silly it is to be busy.. and for what. i guess its more a means to an end at this point.

church

taken from a friend's blog post, a quote from A.B. Simpson, the founder of C&MA (Christian & Missionary Alliance). What a great reminder!! There's so much meaning backed behind the idea of 'church.'.. but hoping it not just stay as an idea, rather praying for the reality. I love weaving through the different ideas & thoughts that swirl in my head, envisioning a what-can-be versus a what-is-for-now. oh the possibilities... but then reality of time-constraints, man-power constraints, $$-constraints... so many constraints settle in and choke out the urge, the passion, the will to see change. Oh but to see beyond the mountains, and focus on the One whom the mountains bow down to. To remember again that with Him the impossible is made into a reality.

"He is showing us the plan for a Christian church that is much more than an association of congenial friends to listen once a week to an intellectual discourse and musical entertainment and carry on by proxy a mechanism of Christian work; but rather a church that can be at once the mother and home of every form of help and blessing which Jesus came to give to lost and suffering men, the birthplace and the home of souls, the fountain of healing and cleansing, the sheltering home for the orphan and distressed, the school for the culture and training of God's children, the armory where they are equipped for the battle of the Lord and the army which fights those battles in His name. Such a center of population in this sad and sinful world!"

-- A. B Simpson, A Larger Christian Life p. 153

2nd week in...

this will be the 2nd week i've been in hospital for med rotation. there's so much going on each day. every day is a busy day. and although i find it fascinating intellectually in that i'm seeing lots and learning lots, at the same time my heart has been taking a beating. it doesn't take long to notice that the hospital is a very busy jungle. seems like a luxury to dwell a little bit longer in conversation & care with patients. with the huge time-crunch of marathon ward-rounds and just plain getting things done, there's been no room for anything else. so much sickness & sadness, and so little time to care.

there've been many times when patients would break down in tears from the weight of everything thats been happening, and all the while everyone would be thinking 'oh no, we've got no time for this.' What a horrible thought. but also learning why people think like this. That by spending more time with one patient, it means spending less time with another. Looking at my reg, she shows compassion & warmth where she can, and still balances the reality of the time-crunch. so i'm starting to realize maybe its more a matter of learning how to switch on & off between patients, and learning how to be most efficient with the little time that's given. being in the moment when the moment requires, and as soon as that moment passes, switching that off and focusing on the next task at hand. not heartless, but practical. ..or maybe this is me becoming more cynical

personally i find it rather difficult to switch off, i can't help but linger on a situation and try to find some sort of resolution. i'm learning quick though that more often than not there are no easy answers, no quick fixes. Each patient has a myriad of complex issues to be addressed. to imagine carrying over each patients' issues and dwelling on them all... would ultimately lead to brain combustion! which is why i've been super amazed at what the allied health team does. that no tear shed is forgotten. underlying reasons for everything will be sought and resolved. and that before discharging anyone, the team makes sure they're good to go & well-supported to cope in post-hospital life.

all in all, i'm really loving medicine. so thankful He's placed me here to learn... it's busy, but it's good.

blessed are they...

Rendition on the Beatitudes taken from Matthew 5 .. dueling sides from the Bible vs. today's modern take

listening to this made me realize again how controversial & seemingly nonsensical Jesus is in what He says. its completely opposite from how the world would have it. its crazy how sin has a way of blinding us so completely that what seems right or wise or 'the good way to go" is so far-off from the truth as found in the Bible.

as i was listening i noticed the laughter going on in the background, i too joined in with laughter at some of the things said which seemed absurdly ridiculous, but when taking a step back couldn't help but think of the many times past & present where i've lived by the 'modern code.' how its all but too easy to think myself blessed to be in comfort, to have all my needs met... being self-sufficient to the point of self-reliant, to not be troubled by the atrocities going on in the world.. being numbed to the point that i say "It's just how life is".. and hence not fighting or praying for change!

But thank God for His grace, that though I sin far too easily, though at times the order of things gets topsy turvy in my head, He is patient with me, brings to my attention the things i ought to work on and the things His Spirit works in me to change! Reading through the real beatitudes is so comforting. reminded me of times when i clung to these few sentences as if they were precious gems.. and oh how they are! shining truths amongst deceptive lies the world weaves into our heads.