an afterthought

It's been a long time since I last wrote my thoughts out here. It's been too long. As I re-read through some of the last posts that I put up, I feel this weighty awful pit within me. there is a lot of diminishing... of fervour, zeal, that strong sense of certainty in the glorious truth of God, and my sense of security and knowledge of who I'm grounded in. I don't recognise who I've become in light of who I was and who I thought I'd be. My faith lived out has often become a bit of an afterthought.

Work has taken over, I often live for myself and my own happiness, I seek approval from others, from my husband, from friends and family, from my work, from people at my church. it's as if I've lost my compass leading me forward and find myself at times going down a different path.

It's too easy for me to blame other things. Mostly I will blame my circumstances, that it's because i'm in a "busy season" of my life, and this will all blow over. I think to myself that once I finish my training, I'll come out of the other end and pick up from where I left off. How I miss out by not placing God at the center in my every circumstance and season. Or I blame my husband, that his own faith has faltered, that I blame him for not steering and spurring me to the right path as well. How unloving and hypocritical of me to expect that which I do not give. Or I blame even my church fellowship, that we are small and under-resourced and are a people often too busy to spend time doing life and encouraging each other on this race of faith. And yet our small church is still one filled with much grace and encouragement through the individual faith stories lived out. But ultimately, it comes down to me that I blame. I'm far too forgetful of His grace and living this out with gratitude and persevering in the race. Forgive me Lord.

Help me not to live out faith by what I say alone. Help me not be blinded to my own sin where too often I falter to the default trajectory of idolatry and self-serving ways. Help me live out grace, loving You fully because of the love you extended to me, loving others joyfully as an overflow, not forcing myself from outside but exuding from within. Help me be at peace with Your truth, knowing this is the one true Word, the Word that brings life out of death. Help me find myself again, knowing that I am in You and You are in me, and that is my identity, I am Yours and bought at the price of Your son, Jesus Christ. Help me be honest with myself and with others with my struggles, and even one step before this, help reveal to me the truth within my heart and mind. Lord, I do not want my faith and life in You to be an afterthought...

"There is more to medicine than fixing problems - there are healing words" - David Levy, M.D. (Gray Matter)

I am a puzzle

put together all wrong

You take me apart

what a mess I've become

Piece by piece

ache after ache

You stitch me back together

authentically made

Yet here I stand

shiny brand new

so why do I feel this way

alone and confused

I long to run free

yet my past weighs me down

I yearn to sing loud

but my voice is choked out

Silently weeping

You hear every cry

You speak to my heart

to break every lie

Every lie ever told to me

every lie ever said

only truth will ever save me

from this path marked for dead

Touch my lips that I might speak

from this heart You've given me

with all boldness, full of faith

for Your glory, for Your fame

You are great beyond all measure

There is no one like You Lord

In your mercy loved a stranger

Judgment thrown out the door

Thank You for Your love oh Lord

This love so fathomless

That Your Son would come to die for me

to free me from my wretched mess

No longer chained down by my sin

No longer in my hell-bound state

Hallelujah! I am marked for life

No lie will ever snatch my fate

I long to spend eternity

an eternity with You

Eternity to praise Your name

with everything remade new

Tears no longer shed

Heart no longer aching

Ever will I yearn for thee

in all-surpassing glory

Thank You Lord Jesus

for this grace that You give -

a grace of second chances

for the chance to truly live

time to soak

there never seems to be enough time in the day, and yet time gets wasted far too easily. amongst the lack of time there's definitely never enough time to soak in the great truths of God. i wish i had a pause button for life

"You have no idea of where God is going to engineer your circumstances, no knowledge of what strain is going to be put on you either at home or abroad, and if you waste your time in overactive energies instead of getting into soak on the great fundamental truths of God's redemption, you will snap when the strain comes; but if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted & grounded in God on the unpractical line, you will remain true to Him whatever happens." - Oswald Chambers

All I Have is Christ (Jordan Kauflin)

there is a saying about missions that i rather like...

"If you can't see very far, go as far as you can see"

the core

it's my 2nd & final week with the Alcohol & Drug Service at the hospital. i think i definitely find addiction psychiatry fascinating. got into a lengthy conversation with our consultant on the complex aetiology of addiction, and the never-ending debate of environment vs. genetics. this along with current treatment & follow-up methods which i think are a bit sub-optimal with so many gaps and people falling through the cracks. and although i get super excited talking about all this and the direction & future of this field to find an 'answer' for addiction.. i can't help but think whatever treatment & rehabilitation we have now or will ever have, and whatever advances we make scientifically in this field, they are all bandaid solutions to the core problem. the core problem being sin. its not an uncommon story to hear of broken families, abuse, emotional pain & guilt... these are all running themes of social and moral breakdown echoing out of our sinful state, and they are not just isolated issues, but generational & tainting all aspects of life.

every monday, there's a special clinic that targets vulnerable women, namely mums-to-be who are dependent on heroin, methadone, and buprenorphine (which are all opioids, the latter being a partial agonist. so in other words all stimulate the same receptors & help maintain the drug habit). today as i sat in for several consults, my heart kind of dropped. the solution given was not reaching the core problem, but facilitating and in some cases increasing one's drug dependence. inside i was so ready to burst.

although i've never used or been dependent on substances, i've seen too many people who are dependent that it's obvious how life & soul-consuming it becomes. your every thought is obsessed with acquiring that drug to get your fix, it's what you live for. and 10, 20 or 30 years down the road (if you even make it that far) you look back and see the blazed trail of destruction and damage and hurt and pain you left and are now in. addiction is idolatry. addiction is a poor substitute for glory. in a non-medical sense, we are all addicted to something (i.e. we live for/our lives revolve around something or someone). addicted to our job, to success, to wealth or fame, addicted to romance and chasing love or sex, addicted to acceptance or even self-fulfillment. all these things which comparatively speaking look & sound 'nicer' than being addicted to say heroin, but all of which at the core are the same. and everyone eventually realizes that what they've been living for & 'addicted' to, it doesn't satisfy but leaves you empty and hungry for something more. John Calvin got it right in saying the human heart is a factory of idols. and boy are we experts at it. but this is where Jesus comes into the picture. Jesus smashes through all our idols or would-be idols. and surpasses everything we could ever hope to live for or find joy in.

knowing this, i couldn't help but wonder what it's going to be like when/if i start practicing. will my hands be tied in speaking the gospel? will i just be putting 'bandaids' on the water tap of people's problems or actually help people find out that the faucet can be turned off. and so today was one of those days where i found myself daydreaming about jumping ship and going into ministry. but as someone told me, and i know this myself too, i should not take studying medicine for granted, but to look at using these skills for His glory God-willing. but still, there's this ache inside i cannot explain away as i think about broken people separated from God... perhaps because i myself was broken too. and my heart hurts when i think of those who've never heard what the good news is. to reach the unreached, connecting broken people to God... that's the dream, albeit a far-away dream at the moment..